Blindfolded
Sometimes I can be such a fool. Not that people attempt to dupe me into things. It’s just that I can become blinded by a situation and make poor decisions, but then again, hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it?
Like when we purchased our house. It was a prerequisite for me in order to move forward with trying to conceive another child. Along with the dated, 2-prong electrical outlets strategically hidden behind polished Pottery Barn furniture, there is a laundry list of issues the previous homeowners failed to disclose. Most of them were to be expected with any older home. But one of them, us warm weather natives, never had the foresight to inquire about.
Our house is a typical New England colonial home. The type of home a child sketches in crayon, with a centered front door, a billowing chimney, and a tree just to the side on the lawn. Only at our house, the lawn would not be colored with any shade of green.
We bought our home during the winter.
So picture if you will, a wintry holiday scene: a picturesque two-story home with a gorgeous holly wreath hanging on a heavy wooden door. Perfectly manicured spruce trees framing the front windows and walkway. And everything. Everything. Covered in a shimmering, white blanket of snow.
Including the front lawn.
A front lawn that we would discover in Spring to be a dense sea of crab grass and dandelions. The distracting eye sore that causes every passing driver to slow down and say, “Holy crap, how could these people leave their yard like that in this neighborhood?”
But we tried. Dadisodes and I personally dug up our front yard twice last year and spread grass seed in hopes that this would be one less worry when I became pregnant. But it never worked. The weeds always came back and took over. I began to worry that our yard would remain forever barren.
So this year, I threw in the towel and decided that we needed help. After many (ridiculously over-priced) quotes, we found cheap landscapers who promised their method would work. An army men of dug, raked, and pulled for hours. They managed to remove all of the weeds and poured a fresh layer of dirt and grass seed on top.
And then we sat by our window and waited. And waited. Wished. And hoped.
I was convinced I had made the wrong decision yet again. A couple hundred bucks down the drain.
But yesterday, we finally noticed tiny green sprouts. Thousands of tiny blades of grass peeking from the dampened earth. Finally.
I released an apprehensive sigh of relief, thankful for one less item on the list.
Now if only I could become pregnant. It has been over a year since we embarked upon both endeavors.
Soon, perhaps next month, I will need to have another LEEP procedure performed on my cervix, making it unsafe for me to bear children*. My doctor had been certain I would become pregnant by now, especially with the help of Clomid. But no amount of manpower, chemicals, or seed has made a difference. And soon this yard of hope will be removed all together.
I’m finding it difficult to swallow the selfish guilt of not trying to conceive sooner. Before this house. Before the biopsies. Before I cared about the view outside.
Although in hindsight it all seems so clear, all I wish to do now is close the window, and pull down the shade to block the view.
*My first pregnancy was high risk due to early onset contractions at 24 weeks, and another LEEP procedure will further weaken the ability of my cervix to sustain another pregnancy.
I can’t even begin to imagine your frustration. Don’t give up hope just yet, you never know…
kspin’s last blog post..My First UFO Sighting…
June 15th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I’m sorry.
Are we sure that Dadisodes little swimmers are triathalon strong?
Undercover Princess’s last blog post..Kids…
June 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Glad to see that your grass is coming in! I’m still holding out hope that the next test says positive!
Tiffany @ Paging Doctor Mommy’s last blog post..Not Me Monday!
June 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Hugs and strength, my friend!
Nicole’s last blog post..The Day After the End of the War
June 15th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I know I have been MIA lately, but I have been reading, and always thinking of you and now am sending you strength and encouragement and hugs.
abunslife’s last blog post..Dog Days
June 15th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
{{HUGS}}
Emily/Randomability’s last blog post..F F Friday (55)
June 15th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Hope springs eternal. Like blades of new grass. Please don’t give up hope!!!
Lisa’s last blog post..foodie friday – orzo with tomatoes and pesto
June 15th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Ha! When we bought our home we thought the “lawn” (aka weeds) were riddled in gopher holes. Nope. Meet the sewer rat holes.
CC’s last blog post..You jump, I jump.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
((hugs))
Secret Mom Thoughts’s last blog post..I Heart Faces
June 15th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Do NOT feel guilty! There is never a right time; never enough money; never, ever, ever! You are in my thoughts and I”m praying for two lines….soon!
Sharon’s last blog post..Out of Town…..Craft Hope……Blankets
June 15th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Oh sweety, I wish there was something I could do.
As we used to say on my old ttc forums “sending you lots of ~~~~~babydust~~~~~~ and ~~~~~babyglue~~~~”, and lots of love too. xx
Marylin’s last blog post..Note to self…
June 15th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Wow Sandy -what a coincidence, we are on the same wavelength…I have been feeling so regretful of the yeeeears I put off dojng the baby thing for purely selfish reasons. Just this morning I IM my friend and ex-coworker and tell her about what I’m going through (she had no idea). Sophia is intelligent, young, witty, pretty (she’s Chinese!) and having a great time enjoying her techie career and her and her hubby avoid the baby talk all together, much like I did back in the days.
I came clean and warned her of the dangers, trying to not sound like a baby-making advocate, but just trying to share my horrible regret.
I know at some point you and I will move on from the shoulda, woulda, coulda nightmares.
In the meantime I’m sending you a virtual hug and strength. Give that miracle baby girl of yours the best of you today, and let her fill your heart with all the wonderful things she was given to you by God – just for that exact purpose.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Hey – I have an idea: Let’s make it our mission and call up all of our procrastinating friends and tell them to run and have s-e-x and make those babies!!!
Ok, maybe not, but it sounded very purposeful and psa-like for a minute there.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Hindsight is always easy. I have four, and I regularly try to figure out WHY.
Not that that makes it any easier for you.
But in twenty years, it will all be easier. Promise.
The Mother’s last blog post..Media Madness
June 15th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
hugs
Ashley’s last blog post..Happy Birthday…
June 15th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
My heart hurts for you and Dadisodes. I hope you get some good news very soon.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Half a lifetime
June 15th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
oh no what a nasty surprise.
savvymode’s last blog post..Hiking for Fitness
June 15th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
ehug.
jameil’s last blog post..Monday Mindspacing Vol. III
June 15th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I genuinely hope that next month is different for you. You have been so strong to share all of this, and I admire your fortitude! I will pray for you!
Muthering Heights’s last blog post..Pregnancy Update – 34 weeks
June 15th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
We tried but I believe the clock has run out for us too.
I squeeze the one little guy we do have a little tighter.
(He helped me re-seed the back lawn yesterday.)
Wishing you a month of miracles – however they present themselves.
Lisa Rae @ smacksy’s last blog post..The Big One
June 15th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
It is easy to judge our choices with the wisdom of time, but you just can’t beat yourself up about the decisions you made. Keep your chin up, just like the grass, things can turn around.
Cara’s last blog post..The Time Has Come
June 15th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
i’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. keep your hope strong!
hazel’s last blog post..Weekend.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
I am with you on this journey. I pray your receive good news soon.
Maria@Conversations with Moms’s last blog post..Can you tell your Child’s personality by the way he breastfeeds?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I admire your strength and courage to share your story. But, I also feel for you, Dadisodes and Babisodes. Like a few of your other commenters, I truly hope and pray things change for the best and give you your heart’s desire. Sending many, many (((hugs))) your way.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Where does the time go?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I’m hoping the best for you guys.
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Taiwanese American Foundation (TAF) Conference
June 15th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Don’t feel guilty. You can’t be responsible for what you had no way of knowing!
I will be praying for you this month specifically that you have a last chance miracle! That would certainly make it special.
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life’s last blog post..What’s In a Name? Sometimes, TOO Much.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Oh…I’m so sorry for you. I know it must be just disappointing and heart-breaking to get the same news over and over.
Jenners’s last blog post..So Maybe Twitter Isn’t A Total Waste Of Time
June 15th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I don’t know of a single man, anywhere, with half of your strength and courage. I ache for you – but I know you are made of strong stuff, and I know you will get through this. And I hope, and pray, there is another pregnancy on the other side.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Hugs!!!! Stay strong!
wright’s last blog post..Free Ice Cream
June 15th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Stay strong! I am in the same shoes as you as we are also trying for our 2nd to no avail. Don’t give up hope!!!
June 15th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Sandy I am so sorry! I was really hoping this would be your month. I know words cannot even describe the feelings of hurt and frustration those stinkin negative pregnancy tests can bring. I know how fast your hope can go out the window when you realize you’re not pregnant. Just the let down month after month. Ugh! It…well…sucks! Big Time! (hugs) I’ll continue to pray for you! Is there any way they can put off the procedure for just a few more months? Maybe to give you a few more rounds of clomid? If not then I will pray even harder that this next cycle will be IT for you!
Love,
Sassy
June 15th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
oh sweet girl – I know that feeling so well . . . I’m so sad for you . . . WHY do you need the LEEP again??(sorry I forgot) I have a post going up at midnight about my window . . . I closed it!
Tiaras & Tantrums’s last blog post..I ♥ Faces ~ Sepia
June 16th, 2009 at 12:20 am
xoxoxoxox
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Why my hair is prematurely gray, part II
June 16th, 2009 at 1:23 am
(((HUGS))) That is all I can bring to the table. I wish you nothing but the best when it comes to having more children. But on a sunny note you have pretty grass in your front yard!
krystal’s last blog post..We Are "The Cullens", and You’re the Bitch!
June 16th, 2009 at 2:18 am
I am praying for you and your family, dear Sandy.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:42 am
Oh sweetheart. ((hugs))
June 16th, 2009 at 5:29 am
I’m still praying for you.
” Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalms 37:4
Beth (A Mom’s Life)’s last blog post..Miracle Monday – Keep Believing and Keep Praying
June 16th, 2009 at 6:18 am
sandy, dont lose hope. it will work out. u will get pregnant. have u ever heard of this chinese pill called bak foong?
http://www.euyansang.com/index.php?id=290&option=com_content&task=view
it can be bought here in Malaysia but am not sure if u can find it in US or not. i have been taking it after my menses way before i get married and could conceive easily. a lot of women take it. it is supposed to strengthen ur womb so that u can carry ur baby safely or conceive better. i even heard some ppl called it ‘toh jai yuen’ (many children pill)..
ask ur mom abt this pill. dont know HKG has it or not. and if u want, i can get it for u and send it over to u.
u can also take ‘bak jan’ (cantonese) and u can boil it and drink it after ur menses too. i can buy it for u and send to u if u wanna try.
these are all from my mom, that’s why i know. these are all chinese herbs.
wen’s last blog post..New Children Clothes Shop
June 16th, 2009 at 7:41 am
oh sandy, as for the bak jan, the info is here
http://www.euyansang.com/index2.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=333
wen’s last blog post..New Children Clothes Shop
June 16th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Don’t lose hope. I had a friend who had her cervix sewn shut after IVF. So it was still possible for her…
Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..Silly Monkey Story – A Tangle of Arms and Legs
June 16th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Sorry to hear that your time window is coming to an end. You haven’t mentioned that Dadisodes is determined to have another child, only that you are, so I’m wondering why you feel so much guilt.
“I’m finding it difficult to swallow the selfish guilt of not trying to conceive sooner.” Selfish guilt? You did what you felt was right at the time. Don’t blame yourself in hindsight for not having the foresight to know that you’d have this much trouble conceiving.
It’s possible that it’s just not in the cards. And having a sibling for Babisodes doesn’t mean that they’d get along. My sister and I were only 18 months apart and we couldn’t stand each other (still can’t). But we each had friends our own age to play with. Is there maybe more to this than just finding a sibling for her?
Dot’s last blog post..Mad Lib-eration
June 16th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I will hope for you and pray for you.
patois’s last blog post..Haiku: Walls
June 16th, 2009 at 10:28 am
(((HUGS))) I’m sorry Sandy. I hoped you would have two lines this month.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Yes hindsight is 20/20. All the things we want to do to make life easier before something big happens. But don’t get down on yourself, because I’m trusting that you will be pregnant soon and will be all worth it.
Felicia – I Complete Me’s last blog post..I Must Apologize to:
June 16th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Oh, Sandy.. My heart goes out to you. Please know that we are praying for you and thinking of you. I can’t even imagine how hard and frustrated this can be. You are strong, intelligent, kind and beautiful so don’t give up!!
Amy @ The Q Family’s last blog post..Dreaming of: Amsterdam with Kids
June 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Love that picture and the picture you paint with your words is both heartbreaking and hopeful.
You’re in my prayers, always.
love.
rachel-asouthernfairytale’s last blog post..Shrimp Stir Fry with Spicy Orange Sauce and Jasmine Rice
June 16th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that positive things come your way!
Cafe Fashionista’s last blog post..Girly Grunge
June 16th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I can’t imagine how tough this is for you. I hope you get some positive news soon.
Emily’s last blog post..Charlie’s view
June 16th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I’m sorry, Sandy. Hang in there. Keep trying, and keep the faith.
Kat’s last blog post..It’s Time
June 16th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I’m so sorry….I have no words of wisdom for you–just sending internet your way!
workout mommy’s last blog post..Beach fitness essentials
June 16th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Congrats on the grass! We have moss here. At least it’s green and if you dont’ look at it or walk on it, you might be fooled into believeing it’s real grass. As for the baby making… My heart goes out to you. I remember hating this when I went through it. ANd hating having to see all of those pregnant women and baby stores every time I went out. It was torture.
Cookie’s last blog post..Time to Mow
June 16th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Everthing will come in time.
Just stopping by as I read the article about you in Scholsatic. I’m reviewing all the entries and posting it on my blog the continuing adventures of mama rose and the pink princess. Come on over.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Sandy, I think the grass growing is a very good sign. Please don’t feel guilty, I’m a firm believer in things happening the way they do for a reason. Life is full of woulda shoulda coulda’s and although it’s easy to look back, it’s so much more positive looking forward. I know it’s small consolation, I’ve been there and I know, it’s heartbreaking.
I am still hoping, and wishing that things will turn out the way you want them. Nothing is impossible, nothing.
xoxo
Karen MEG’s last blog post..Weekly Winners -I can’t work this thing
June 16th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Don’t give up…I know it seems they do, but the doctors don’t know everything, and they can’t control everything. Try to stay positive..{hugs}
Nap Warden’s last blog post..Face Painting Project
June 16th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I see the grass as a sign that new things are coming. Keeping my fingers crossed and saying prayers.
Dejoni’s last blog post..Divine Intervention
June 17th, 2009 at 12:02 am
I wish there was something to say to make it better. All I have are {{{hugs}}}.
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..Things I’m Into Right Now
June 17th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Oh Sandy…what a beautiful and heartbreaking post. I am with the others though who say not to give up…..there is no giving up with this. I hope you can find some peace and optimism in those thousand tiny blades of grass.
Thinking of you…
Lee of MWOB’s last blog post..Mothering Anatomically
June 17th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
My heart breaks for you, Sandy. I don’t even know what to say other than that you just never know where this will lead you or what you will do with it when it does, but there’s a good chance you can make it good somehow, even if it’s a different kind of good than you had in mind. (You know my story behind that garbled gibberish thought process, I think.) Still, for right now, I’m just sorry it sucks. And I’m sending hugs. And somehow chocolate via the comment form (you added that feature, right?). Hugs.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..What’s Happening in Iran
June 18th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Oh don’t be so sad. *hugs* I am sure it will come when you least expect it. Thinking of you.
louann’s last blog post..Oh Yes, Those Milestones
June 18th, 2009 at 9:11 am
[...] question of whether or not we should continue trying to conceive was brought to the table. Despite the risks of doing so, Dadisodes clearly wants to continue, [...]
June 21st, 2009 at 10:55 pm