Blowin’ smoke
<< Deep inhale >>
It has been nearly two years since the last time.
It was purely on a whim, a moment of weakness. I mean, why not? I was out of town, on yet another stealth weekend trip. All of the others times I held back, but this trip, I just couldn’t do it.
In this tiny town in rural Maine, there was little chance in finding a familiar face. I had forgotten what land was like when left completely untouched. Endless greenery dissipated along a soft, blue backdrop. Not a hint of concrete, machinery, or artificial light; only an occasional trace of past suburban life along the railway. An abandoned clothesline, frayed down to a single thread between branches. A faded, plastic lawn chair overturned in a grassy field. The skies were blue, but the air remained crisp. Even though it was supposedly Spring. It was cold. Damn cold.
It always seems to be that way when I feel the urge. As if I need the cutting chill and smoke to fill my lungs simultaneously. A painful, yet pleasurable, sensation. Masochistic to some degree, but nonetheless, always when it’s cold.
With each breath in, the red embers brighten, and I close my eyes.
<< Exhale >>
I feel a sense of release. Each worry and anxiety is numbed. Thick smoke temporarily clouds reality.
But it is short-lived.
Ashes fall like sands through an hourglass, until the only thing that remains is a tarnished filter.
<< Deep inhale >>
As I write this, the air outside my house is whipping through the trees. In the distance, a trashcan falling sideways echos as it rolls across the pavement.
It is still cold here. Below freezing.
Each day the temptation to sneak away for a few minutes burns stronger, fiercer.
But the faces here are all familiar (including a small one with sweet, impressionable eyes currently closed and fast asleep).
I long for the succor of a warm cigarette between my fingers. Hunkered beneath a heavy wool coat and the moonlight. I beckon the stars above for another chance to getaway, or for signs of Spring to come.
A time or place where the sun sits high and the air alone is warm, supple, and smooth.
Where it is far easier to exhale.
Keep fighting that urge. You have two very good reasons not to give into it.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Because I’m having a shitty week and want to take everyone down with me…
March 13th, 2009 at 12:06 am
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
The first two years are THE hardest – really!!!
I quit on my 30th bday and never looks back! 11 years now!
March 13th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Ahhhhh, you DO have a way of sucking me into a story my friend!!
And good for you. I admire you for toughing it out.
Oh, and OF COURSE I voted for you!!
Cecily R’s last blog post..Photo Story Friday and The Best Day
March 13th, 2009 at 12:15 am
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT – WHEN YOU GIVE UP CHOCOLATE AND COFFEE ALL AT ONCE!!!!
Great writing – I love it you transported me for a moment
thanks
Elle’s last blog post..My Bookworm on a Photo Safari
March 13th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Great writing… love it. Hang tough with that urge. My dude smoked for many many years, even his babies couldn’t inspire him to quit. Then one day something inside of him clicked and it’s been four years since the last smoke.
It’ll be warmer soon… it’s coming….
Lee of MWOB’s last blog post..Come along with me for a little ride, will ya?
March 13th, 2009 at 12:47 am
ah yes…the numbness of nicotine. I used to smoke and still miss it but the thought of my daughter seeing me with a cigarette makes me cringe!
Melissa’s last blog post..Embracing Change
March 13th, 2009 at 1:03 am
My sister quit cold turkey not too long ago. I know she smoked once since then but never has gone back!!!
Alicia’s last blog post..4/52 PICTURES OF ME
March 13th, 2009 at 1:23 am
I loved your writing…it was so vivid! Good luck and stay strong!
Laura’s last blog post..Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner…
March 13th, 2009 at 1:59 am
I quit smoking on February 14th, 1982. For my wife. For my soon-to-be-born #1 Son. For me. For you. Just make sure you return the favor.
lceel’s last blog post..I coulda been a contender
March 13th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Hang in there. The craving will pass AND it will warm up around here. I swear it will.
Ashlie- Mommycosm’s last blog post..Perfectly Arugula: Review & Giveaway
March 13th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Just remember… if you smoke(and hide it), your children will too. Hang in there.
Nino’s last blog post..Good Boy! The World’s Ten Smartest Dogs – Page 3
March 13th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Hang in there! You can do it. Your post is so well written….
Laura from the Fringe’s last blog post..Five Exotic Foods to Try!
March 13th, 2009 at 7:19 am
great story ,
thankyou for sharing that wonderful picture
Wayne’s last blog post..Photo Friday
March 13th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Honey, I know *exactly* what you mean. I quit while I was pregnant with zack, but lapsed for a short while when he was around a year old.
Every so often I just have the urge to have a sly one – I really did LOVE smoking, in the same way some people use a glass of wine at the end of a day to relax, smoking was my relaxation.
Even now, I think sometimes – maybe when the kids aren’t at home anymore… maybe if J and I are apart at some point. He’s heading up north to his parents for work, which means me, at home, with 2 kids.
I could see me finding it HARD not to. BUT, I won’t, because of them, I won’t. It’s not fair on them one little bit. Plus, Zack would totally dob me into his dad…
Marylin’s last blog post..Haiku Friday
March 13th, 2009 at 9:05 am
This is the hardest time and the hardest part. Once you get over it you’ll never look back. Come down here to Orlando, it’s been Spring since summer ended. Look up the weather and set a goal.
March 13th, 2009 at 9:05 am
You are a talented writer–great post!
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Cupcakes With an Asian Flair
March 13th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I hope the weather cooperates and warms up FAST to help you fight the urge.
And Momisodes! You’re in 1st place!!!!
HURRY PEOPLE!!!! VOTE!!!!
Kat’s last blog post..Wrapped In Love
March 13th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Keep fighting the urge and grab a warm brownie and comfy throw and book instead. Much better, no?
Ashley’s last blog post..My New Birth Plan
March 13th, 2009 at 10:21 am
It will be warm before you know it, at least that is what I keep telling myself…
Leidy’s last blog post..Greener by the minute
March 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Congrats on 2 years! My husband is at 10 months now. I know how hard it can be.
Cookie’s last blog post..Not Me
March 13th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Holy hell that made me want to smoke.
I did, but I won’t. And it’s still 8 million times easier than it was at the start 1.75 years ago. I get it, though. Folks who say it never creeps into their minds or haunts them confuse me. I still miss it, lots sometimes, but I love the benefits more. You do, too.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Legacy
March 13th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Your post made me want to smoke, it also made me NOT want to smoke.
ceemee’s last blog post..She’s Back!
March 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Hang in there! Just think of that precious little face and take a deep breath when the urge overwhelms you! You’ve already made it two years and that is awesome!
perpstu’s last blog post..It’s On Like Donkey Kong! OK, Maybe Like a Baby Capuchin
March 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Great writing…hang in there!!! You’ve made it this far you can go all the way!
Emily’s last blog post..Welcome Baby Grayson!
March 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
WOW nicotine fit! i hope it subsides.
jameil’s last blog post..Spring Break!
March 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Wow, great edit on that photo!
Michelle’s last blog post..PSF – My cat is insane!
March 13th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Go Sandy! You can do it.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Frustrated with a captial F
March 13th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Hang in there. I battle it everyday. I love it…I quit and start. Quit and start. I never smoke around my children…mainly at work or sneaking outside my house at midnight like trash.
I’m gonna stick with it this time until I’m 70. Then I’m buying a carton. I figure if I make it that long it will be the least of my worries.
Proud of you sista!
Dejoni’s last blog post..Why you need a passport to live here
March 13th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Yeah what is it with cold weather and smoking? Goes together like beer and parliaments. Sigh. I Miss that. I quit years ago but lately, I’ve seriously thought about having one or two now and again, y’know with a drink or something. For me, quitting was no big deal as I was never a heavy smoker but for my husband who was, I advise him not to get started again. Stopping was a little harder for him.
March 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I think it’s been four years since I quit, and sometimes I still get that craving. Only for a little while until reason takes over, and I remember why I stopped.
I don’t want to be dependant on nicotine no more!
Jientje’s last blog post..Friday’s Fave Five, a Rewarding Week
March 13th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I quit 10 years ago! WOW I can’t believe it’s been that long. The craving is long gone, until I’m out partying with friends (the same from that time of my life). I stay strong and I feel better afterwards.
Hang in there
lis’s last blog post..Trucker wife & coffee!!!
March 13th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
It just is not cold enough where you are. When it is so cold here, it freezes the lungs and sort of has an anesthetic effect plus who wants to go and stand outside and freeze their fingers off. Winter in Saskatchewan is hard on smokers. Hang in there and don’t give in! Hugs.
Christine’s last blog post..Trav Can Continue To Be A Canadian
March 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
march 21st will be a year. 365 days. 30 pounds.
i still get the urge.
and this wasn’t the first time i’ve quit.
but…
it’s the last time.
good for you! and…good. for you!!
March 13th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Good for you!
Nap Warden’s last blog post..Weeks Roundup
March 13th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I’ve heard that urge is always there, long after you quit. Good for you for not giving in.
Holly’s last blog post..CSI: Laundry
March 13th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I smoked on and off for 20 years of my life. I finally quit for good once I bought a house, got married, and felt super happy & fulfilled. It kinda felt like for me I no longer wanted to hurt myself.
BTW, I just voted for you and you’re so close! If anybody else is reading this and you haven’t voted today, please go help momisodes win by voting for her – the link is above. Thanks!
Cassandra {Simply Fearelss}’s last blog post..Looking for Love?
March 13th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I was up to a pack a day and I am so so so so glad I quit. NOw, I exercise a lot and can’t imagine what it would feel like if I smoked. I could barely breath after I walked up only a few stairs by the time I quit. Keep it up.
Jessica’s last blog post..DIALING FOR DOLLARS
March 14th, 2009 at 1:41 am
Fabulous!! Really, all of it, fabulous!
Great PSF
I’m Being Held Hostage’s last blog post..Miss Ky, My Wish For You
March 14th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Thanks, now I need a cig. Uhhh. lol. But that’s okay because I’ve decided I’m not attempting to quit until my kids are all in college. Way to stressful here to go through the teen years with no smokes.
My hubby quit a 3 pack a day habit…years ago…cold turkey. Then I made the mistake of mentioning the ‘V’ word. Vasecomy. Now he smokes again. Huh, I should post about that one day. lol
sheila’s last blog post..Fame and Fortune Cannot Buy Self Worth.
March 14th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Gosh I remember those day… I too gave it up cold turkey, 9 years ago, mostly social smoker. I saw this electronic cig that only delivers nicotine and I almost wanted one.
Elaine B.’s last blog post..Letterpress Wannabes Le Pouf French Antique Note card set of 3 Bridesmaid gift
March 14th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Good for you. Two years is VERY impressive. I can’t say the same
Beautifully written. And that picture is gorgeous!
Allison’s last blog post..The First Missed First
March 14th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Hang in there girl you will win this fight, both me and my husband did, and I get the erge to light on up every summer, it got me out of the house…Just take it one day at a time, and it will work for you….
Thanks for the comment, and I love the look of your blog. I haven’t been here in awhile since my computer got fried last June, I will be back more often…
Marla Ellis’s last blog post..I did this tonight….
March 14th, 2009 at 9:43 am
I love the way you write! A true talent and obviously straight from the heart!
Even as a non-smoker, I could “feel” what you were going through.
I wish you success in conquering your challenge.
Sheila K’s last blog post..Hello world!
March 14th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Wow, two years is amazing!!!! Just hang in there, you’ll get through this.
Not that I know (I never started, which was probably a good thing as I have a fairly addictive personality).
Karen MEG’s last blog post..Answer Period Part Deux
March 14th, 2009 at 10:32 am
I have never had that craving. I’ve smoked on ocassion, but fortunately it just didn’t do anything for me. Hubby who has fought the addiction for years has tried to explain it but I guess it is like any addiction — the true need just can’t be explained. You did an excellent job capturing it here though.
I think I sometimes have that relationship with chocolate though –
Patsy’s last blog post..100 Word Challenge — Tragic (And only a little late)
March 14th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Ahhhhh. There are days when I miss smoking. Beautifully written (as usual) and you made me miss it again!
Christie-A Work In Progress’s last blog post..What’s Up Wednesday
March 14th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Great post, Sandy!!
Hang in there. When easter comes you can come out of your chocolate/caffeine induced coma and you will feel better. Right now you are focusing on all you’ve given up.
Grandy’s last blog post..WTF Wednesday Returns
March 15th, 2009 at 12:35 am
Sandy, this is beautifully written. Keep fighting that urge, you’re stronger than that.
The weather is really crazy, and on my part of the world people are all complaining of the heat.
katcarneo’s last blog post..Recession and Best Teachers
March 15th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I’m right there with you!! Every bit of me is craving. Only the cost of a full pack anymore keeps me from asking for it when I go to the gas station for my Dr. Pepper runs. There are moments when I can feel it….this post expresses it so perfectly!!
We can resist…for them…for us
Sarah’s last blog post..Weekly Winners 3/14/09
March 15th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Quitting was one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done! And I still have the same urges…. it doesn’t help that my idiot hubby is still a social smoker *ugh*
I think you wrote this beautifully; and I really felt like I was right there with you.
Jac’s last blog post..Weekly Winners!
March 15th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I had a lady at Walgreens tell me yesterday when I was buying the cinnamon brach’s hard spice candy – that two or three of these a day, helped her to not smoke and she was able to quit. Hold on!
Kathy’s last blog post..The Child in the Window
March 15th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Nice one…keep it up…you’re doing a great job!
Mariposa’s last blog post..Kids Say the Darnedest Things!
March 16th, 2009 at 12:56 am
That’ is an awesome picture!
As for the urge, never give up. My husband dipped for years and years before we go together and still did up until our first was born. However, he too falls back and takes a dip every now and then. It really is hard, however you just have to keep up the effort.
killlashandra’s last blog post..Best Shot Monday – At the Gorge
March 16th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
You don’t need me to tell you…Don’t.
Congratulations on two years.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Nicely done! And the good news is, spring has arrived here, so it can’t be long before it reaches up to there (only 800 miles or so away).
The quality of the sunlight has changed, the birds are back singing every morning, and a small bush in front of my place is in bloom. Two big magnolia trees in front of the metro station had big buds on Friday and have probably bloomed by now.
Dot’s last blog post..Fun with Mad Libs
March 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Keep up the fight. You are doing great! I must say though, you are a great writer. I’m not a smoker but you sure made me miss smoking.
Felicia – I Complete Me’s last blog post..“Me Time” Monday – Don’t Fall into the Trap
March 16th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Gosh you write it so it sounds like something yum. *Snap* I’m snapping out of your spell.
And keep fighting the urge girl..You live longer.
Jamericanspice’s last blog post..Today should be the worst…
March 16th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I hope you fought off the urge to smoke. my husband quit for 5 years and then he had “just one”… one lead to another and he has quit again. It’s tough! Congrats on being a finalist!!
Jeanne’s last blog post..Totally Random Stuff
March 16th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
[...] Sandy (Momisodes) « Blowin’ smoke [...]
March 16th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
It’s such a bad urge, but I get it too. More often than not, I give in (especially with friends or if I have had a few drinks).
Michelle’s last blog post..Comment on AWOL by Reluctant Blogger
March 18th, 2009 at 9:46 pm