Cry Uncle
Warning: Diary entry drowning in whine.
I’m late again with my post today. I have nothing much to say. It’s just been one of those days; where I’d give anything to be in someone else’s shoes. Switch places for a day. I’m drowning deeper and deeper into stress and work, I can no longer see where the surface lies. Meanwhile somewhere in my living room, my 2-year old daughter sits playing with her Little People dollhouse, ignored as I plug away on my computer. Every 15 minutes or so, she walks up to me and says, “mommy, wanna come pay wif me?” My heart breaks. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes I can break away for a few minutes, but more often I can’t. There just isn’t enough time.
Here’s our recent daily timeline:
6:30am-7:30am- Toddler wakes hubby and I up with screams.
7:30am-8:00am- Hubby showers while I get toddler breakfast.
8:15am- Hubby leaves for work
8:30am-9:00am- Shower WITH the toddler since no one can watch her.
9:00am-10:30am- Read emails from 4 accounts and reply accordingly. Toddler is playing alone.
10:30- snack
10:30am-11:30am- Catch up on blog reading, or continue managing the emails from earlier. Toddler is playing alone.
11:30-12:30pm- Make lunch and eat.
1:00pm- Pray to the nap gods that toddler will fall asleep and stay asleep for at least 2 hours.
1:30pm-3pm- Work on ConnectingMoms (newsletters, interviews, product reviews, content, etc)
2:30pm-3pm – Toddler usually wakes up from nap and must be held for a good 15 minutes while begging to see “daddy.”
3pm-5pm- Work more on ConnectingMoms and job #2. Message online with contacts from job #2. Continue to answer and send emails that come arrive during the day. Toddler is still playing alone.
5:00-6:00pm- Make and eat dinner.
6:00-6:30pm- Clean the heaping pile of dishes in the kitchen to regain access to the sink. Toddler is coloring at the table or reading a book.
6:30pm-8:00pm- Work on job #2 a bit more, answer more emails, reply to some blog comments. Toddler is still playing alone.
8:00-9:00pm- Storytime with toddler. Brush teeth. Bedtime routine.
9:00pm-10:00pm- Wait outside toddler bedroom as she begs to have me sleep next to her (she’s still adjusting to her new room, and not having daddy home at night).
10:00pm-midnight- Run to the computer and finish up with ConnectingMoms, job #2, reading and commenting on blogs, and if time allows, create a new Momisodes post.
10:30pm-11:30pm- Hubby arrives home from work and goes to bed.
Midnight-1:00am- Get myself ready for bed. Shut down the house.
Lie down beside sleeping husband. Fall asleep around 1:30-ish to 2am
Start all over again at 7:00am for the next 7 days.
Nowhere on this timeline, did I actually have any dialogue with an adult, see another adult, and most importantly, my daughter sat alone most of the day without speaking to anyone either.
Being a work-at-home mom isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. At least, not when you’re alone. We cannot afford daycare at the moment, and we’re on 4 waiting lists for preschool.
I think I’m going to have to give up job #2. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. There’s just too much on my plate. There’s a child, marriage and new home being neglected on a daily basis. None of which I can put a price tag. Just reading this timeline myself makes me so ashamed and guilt-ridden I feel like a complete failure on so many levels. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m walking away with my tail between my legs. I cry uncle.
I do feel for you … even with both of my kids already teens, I agonize over how much real time I can spend with them, time they need me to be there. It’s a difficult balancing act. It will get better and all days won’t be like this one.
Tara R.’s last blog post..I feel like Steve Martin
March 11th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
don’t feel guilt ridden!! that was so sad!! cut out all the unnecessaries and focus on the things that will matter to you a year from today. if you want to leave blog 365 let me know and i will follow you.
jameil1922’s last blog post..Tatted Up, Tatted Up, Tatted Uuuuuuup
March 11th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Oh gosh, Sandy.. You really do need a good rest.. a good break.. a holiday away, not a care in the world.. yet, life must go on. But it’s always good to fantasize a little..
LB’s last blog post..Aftermath & Supertramp
March 11th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
This exact thing happened to me last year in the fall, right at the crunch point of the semester. I had three jobs, three classes in school, and was wracked with guilt over not seeing my kids much, not communicating well any more with them or my boyfriend, and not sleeping. And STILL feeling like I wasn’t getting anything done that was important.
I quit school and rearranged a few other things, but not until I’d already had about three breakdowns about it. Full-on, sobbing, broken breakdowns.
So here’s an internet hug, and I hope you figure it out soon. I get the feeling that you already have, but it’s the doing it that’s the hardest part. *hug*
March 11th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Hi Sandy,
I don’t think that you have to feel guilty. Ella plays alone, reads a book does all kinds of little girl stuff…
Judging from the pictures you take of her every week, she is really not all that “left on her own” as you probably think right here and right now!
You’re a great mother, so cut the guilty crap!
As far as the two or more jobs is concerned, you’re not a supernatural, and your (mental) health is priceless and very important, so I would really think this one over …
But maybe you’re just tired right now, and you wrote this in this terrible state of mind? In that case, there’s nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure.
If it doesn’t cure you, you should really think this over again and take the decision that feels right to you.
Big big hug, for you and Ella! xxxx
Jientje’s last blog post..TheTrinny and Susannah shopping experience
March 11th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
While I do see Josh a few extra hours more than you see your husband, I know exactly what you mean. I’m thanking god over and over again, because Madi is finally speaking in coherent and intelligent sentences, and she and I can hold a conversation, but I would kill for adult conversation. Playgroups just do not work, since they require using gas that’s expensive as hell to pay for
Sarah’s last blog post..Happy Leap Day
March 11th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
No wonder you’re tired all the time … not to mention overwhelmed. With a schedule like that I’d be ‘bananas’ and running out the front door. I wish I lived close enough to stop by to provide some ‘adult conversation’ and perhaps give you a break. You need a circle of friends (and perhaps a pushy dog like Molly) to MAKE you get out … Seriously woman! This schedule isn’t healthy and you deserve to rethink your commitments.
(end of lecture)
If ya want some freshly squeeze lemonade and healthy snacks (okay I’ve got coffee, tea, and cookies too) … come sit a while on my patio and enjoy the ocean breeze and the colorful flowers. (It’s also okay to give yourself the evening off and collapse in front of the TV or with a good book if you’ll turn the computer OFF).
Hugs and blessings,
storyteller’s last blog post..The Ultimate Blog Party!
March 11th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
aww hon, I can’t offer you any pearls of wisdom unfortunately, but please PLEASE don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing the best you can and you’re raising a beautiful little girl. (((((HUGE CYBER HUGS)))))) to you hun, I really hope you can have a lil bit of a rest soon xx
Marylin’s last blog post..I can’t be the only one…
March 11th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Wow you’ve got a lot going on there. Sounds very stressful. Maybe there’s a way to cut down on some of the work you’re doing until Ella is in preschool. Is it at all possible to bring in a sitter for a few hours a week? Try to take a break and get a little rest, you sound like you need it.
skiplovey’s last blog post..Desert dwelling
March 11th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Aww honey, I am sorry.
I feel the same way sometimes about not having an interaction with adults. Even when I go to work, it is a bunch of children. I hope things get better. I really wish I had some advice for you. Just hang in there.
Meagan’s last blog post..So Tank has a “man cave”!
March 11th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Wow you do sound overwhelmed. That’s a full day. Is there anything you can cut back on? Will hubby always have these hours? Can you hire a nice high school kid or college kid to come over for a couple hours in the afternoon? Most big cities have babysitting training/certification classes for kids…and they have referral services (at least St. Louis did when I lived there). And you’d still be in the house so it’s not like you’re actually leaving her.
Maybe do some creating scheduling…like cook a whole bunch of meals on Sundays to heat up during the week. Set a certain block of time when you will read and respond to emails and then NO MORE. Same with blog comments or visiting other blogs – you can’t get to everyone and we all understand.
Sit down and look at that agenda you wrote. Re-write it in terms of what’s most important to you in the long term – as a mom, wife, professional, etc. Schedule in time to goof off or give yourself a manicure or gaze out the window. Do those things and focus on things that give you the greatest and longest lasting rewards.
Also, maybe your loyal readers don’t “talk” to you…but we’re all here rooting for you just the same. *hug*
Tasina’s last blog post..Painted myself into a corner…or….
March 11th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Sorry, I haven’t been sleeping well. I think I nodded off for a minute there. Sounds like you need a break – so give yourself one! If you can’t cut back for a few days, quit something. Life is too short to spend it glued to a computer and feeling guilty about your beautiful daughter (who will survive and flourish much better than you think). Soon enough you’ll be old and crotchety like me. Enjoy these days while you can.
Eve’s last blog post..Sorry!
March 11th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I think reorganization is in the air sweet. I also think you already know what you need or even want to do. The hard part is taking that step into doing it. Family is EVERYTHING to me and sounds like to you as well. We wouldn’t be your friends if DIDN’T understand the heavy load your trying to keep up with. Yes, one day it would be WONDERFUL to meet you face to face and I love reading your blog. BUT, take care of the most impoartant parts of your life before things get too far gone you don’t know how to deal with it all. We ALL will be here for you and be behind what ever changes NEED to be made for you to get back to where you need to be.
It’s wonderful to hear from you every time we comment about what you write or post about. You are SO faithful to each and everyone of us. But sweet, it’s not going to hurt us if we only hear from you once a week or every other week. Do what you feel you need to do, we’re here for you either way…(((HUGS)))
March 11th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
I can SO TOTALLY RELATE. There is just not enough hours is there??? – sigh-
blur mama’s last blog post..What are tissues used for?
March 11th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Life is too short for too much stress. We never get time back and our little ones are little for too short of time. There is never enough money, ever. Two jobs or four jobs. Live and love, your daughter and your husband. Forget the rest. Give up job #2. Have an open house in your new neighborhood and meet other moms. Plan play dates so you can have adult time and sweet girl can have time with other kids. But above all be true to yourself.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Aw sweetie!!
(((HUGS)))
Ashley’s last blog post..Tasty Tuesdays!
March 11th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I wish there was something I could do to help. This makes me so sad. This is supposed to be a happy time – busy but happy – as you make your new home your own. Have things changed so much from when you lived in the apartment? Is this a new timeline – different from what you were doing before you moved? How did this happen?
lceel’s last blog post..The great breast feeding thing
March 11th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
With all the wonderful things about being a parent, especially a mom, comes a lot of guilt. I don’t think it is ever going to go away.
I’ve always said that I want to be a stay-at-home mom and just work from home. So if you want to switch lives, I’m game!
I have ALWAYS felt guilty about working and leaving the kids at home. And I yearn for what you have — having Ella with you during the day. My kids only see me in the morning while they prepare for pre-school and then at night — I get home at around 9 pm. They’ve already had dinner and then the hubby and I prepare them for bed. That’s it.
And yes, I have a lot of adult conversation. But I also miss talking to my kids. Yesterday was my daughter’s “graduation” from Nursery and the hubby and I took the morning off from work. It killed me to see how over the moon she was at the fact that we were bringing her to school.
Don’t feel too bad about Ella playing alone. You’re there with her and she knows it. And yeah, you have such a full day — you need to rest and do things that will make you feel better. And if that means you spend a little less time with the emails and the comments, that’s ok.
Things will get sorted out, you’ll see. You’re a wonderful mom, and Ella and the hubby LOVE you. You’re there for them and you’re doing your best. That’s the important thing.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Sandy, you’re not whining, you’re trying to bear up under unbelievable stress and a horrendous workload.
Two suggestions: would it be possible to find another WAHM in the neighborhood with a kid more or less the same age, and trade some babysitting time? Your day, like mine used to be, gets all chopped up. Sometimes just having 3 or 4 solid hours to yourself is super productive because then you can just full-bore and not be interrupted with a snack or potty assist.
The other suggestion: hire a mother’s helper. A capable 9-11 year old girl who loves to play with little ones and be a “big sister” is less than a babysitter, since you’re there the whole time, but her job is to play with Ella and give her snacks/help with potty time/play dress-up, etc. Again, someone who can refer you such a kid, or one in the neighborhood who can come over and help with the pre-dinner shift would be great.
And you can always say no to one of the jobs. Your family and sanity come first.
xxoo,
Cynematic
cynematic’s last blog post..Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, and Shades of “I Did Not Have…”
March 11th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
I am dropping out of Blog365 tomorrow. I wanted to do it for one full month and as of tomorrow it will be a full 31 days I played. I it is just too much to keep up with and spend time with the kids.. run the house and work full time.. etc.
You need to do what is best for you. It will feel freeing.. I know it.
Kim’s last blog post..Project365/30
March 11th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Quit that second job! You won’t get to the end of your life and say, thank god I kept that second job. You will say, thank god I quit it.
Nola’s last blog post..Unaltered Altars
March 11th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I like cynematic’s suggestions…but if all else fails, let go of job#2. I always feel guilty if I can’t get it all done in a day. It just seems, Husband goes to work and everything else falls on my shoulders. I feel for you…
Nap Warden’s last blog post..Yeah, I’m Hot…
March 11th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
If you can quit, do it. Your daughter obviously wants time with you & you need some time to just vege.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Tit for Tot
March 11th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
If you really can quit that second job, it sounds like you’d be happier doing so. If you did that, could you schedule in two breaks for outdoor play with your daughter? Or get her involved in the cooking and chores? I know the latter might sound funny, but my kids LOVE to help put laundry in the drier and change sheets and load dishes. Or spray and scrub things. Or stir. All of these give you extra moments to giggle together while still not making you feel you’re “ignoring” your new house. [Please don't feel the need to respond individually to this comment! I'm trying to help, not add to your overwhelmed-ness] Whatever you do, know you are doing the best you can for your family, and that is all anyone can do. Hugs.
MommyTime’s last blog post..Nursing Nitty-Gritty
March 11th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
There is nothing for you to feel ashamed of… you’re recognizing that something is not working for you and rather than decide you can’t do anything about it, you’re looking at what needs to change to re-gain your balance. Sometimes we all take on too much and we don’t realize it right at first, but when it smacks you on the head, doing something to fix it is what sets you apart. It will all work out and balance again.
sugarplumsmom’s last blog post..Falling Pants
March 11th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
*big hugs* I think there is guilt being a parent. Whether you are a SAHM, a WAHM, a WOHM or a Hecticmom. Guilt is our constant companion. We’re never quite good enough are we? What a bummer – but I think your feelings are quite normal (and having people say don’t feel that way doesn’t make the guilt go away.)
There are ways of connecting to other adults and ways of socializing Ella and ways to getting work done and ways of getting housework done. But, it’s all a balancing act and making priorities. I would bet you $1000 (which is hypothetical – I don’t really have it to be betting) that if Ella was sick or really really needed her Mommy you’d put off work and be with her. Because she is your priority at that moment.
You might consider finding another mom to do “away” playdates with. A mom that will take Ella for 2-3 hours so you can get some work done and then you take her kid(s) for 2-3 hours on a slower work day (or a day you make it the top priority.) The problem is meeting another mom to do this with – this gets easier as the kids get older. But, you can meet other mom’s in mom’s clubs, library play groups, sports activies (maybe at Ella’s age it’s closer to Kindermusik – but it’s just an example.)
We always need to decide our priorities (on a daily basis – this isn’t a MY FAMILY COMES FIRST priority (which is of course always true) but also deciding the priority of when to fit in work. When to fit in house work, when to fit in being a “wife,” etc.
It’s do-able, but, if job #2 is at the bottom of the priority list – but taking up space at the top of your to-do list – it’s time to get rid of it. Only you can answer that question.
My question for you is, “What are your next steps?” (feel free to email me at cindy_at_itssewgood_dot_com if you ever want to bounce around balance stategies since I have been there for many many years.)
Hecticmom Undone’s last blog post..What are we going to do with him?
March 11th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I’ve soo been there. I feel like I leave for work when my daughter wakes up and I get home just before she goes to bed. I’m supposed to start traveling with my job and I just finally told him no. Family first. I know you are stressed right now. Take some time and reflect. I don’t know your religion but my prayers are with you.
Danni’s last blog post..What is the Deal
March 11th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Sweetheart, give up the job! So.Not.Worth.It.
Stress sucks! Don’t worry about commenting on my blog! Just take some time to play with your daughter and think of me while you exhale!
Here’s to “adult interaction”
Very Important! Always!
Krissy’s last blog post..Oh Happy Day!!!
March 11th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
all i can really say is that i completely understand. and sometimes, i wish my kiddo would spend that much time playing independently, cuz i’d get more done and then wouldn’t get frustrated when i HAD to deal with something and she just won’t, um. back off.
yup, worst mom. right here. me.
zoeyjane’s last blog post..An Apparent Niche Milk Maid
March 11th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
As someone looking to work from home, I feel your pain. I know what I am in for. Cut yourself a break . . . and yes, maybe that other job needs to go. You won’t be any good to your daughter, your hubby, your work, and most of all yourself if you remain stressed. Take care of you, mommy . . . take care of YOU.
LaskiGal’s last blog post..A Mix of Randomness and Sweet Potatoes
March 12th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I just took some Tylenol and I am digging for the penicillin.
I hurt so bad too. Thank GOODNESS my kids go off to school today!
Get well.. no need to worry about the blog!
Beth’s last blog post..A Poet – Me.. NO!
March 12th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Oh my God Sandy, you have very tight timeline even compare to normal working hours at the office.
I do recall that being a mom is a never ending work, but never really got into it until I read this.
I feel you Sandy, hopefully Ella can join pre-school soon so you have more time for your self
ecky’s last blog post..Quote of the Day
March 12th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Sandy, I so feel you girl. I want to comment but really shouldn’t even be sitting at the damn computer right now I have to get Trevor ready for school and drive him in… so I’ll be back later…
man do I know what you are feeling though. i’ll be back.
hugs, jenn
Jenn’s last blog post..Before…
March 12th, 2008 at 7:45 am
I feel your pain. I’m writing this while my toddler is watching Backyardigans.
Since I get paid hourly to work from home, I decided to pay a babysitter to play with BamBam. It takes a huge cut of my hourly pay, but he gets one-on-one attention while I’m working and I don’t do it for the entire time I have to work. It’s my short term solution.
MommyCosm’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday or Doctor’s Office Entertainment
March 12th, 2008 at 8:08 am
I can’t believe your work schedule. How are you even functioning on so little sleep sweetie? I remember when the kids were young and I worked out of the home, when I got home there were so many things to take care of…cleaning…cooking …laundry…endless to do lists. Then as the kids got older there was hockey…band…gymnastics…swimming…figure skating. So much went by in a blur. I felt guilty a lot of the time. I think that the moment we give birth the guilt begins. It seems to be a normal state of motherhood. You are doing the very best you can. Throw the guilt out the door. I am going to leave you with a couple of questions. What is the worst that will happen if you stop blogging every day and scale it back to maybe once a week? (this includes reading other blogs. It includes all blog related activities.) What is the best that would come from this decision? (How much more time would it free up for you? Would it be enough to make your life more enjoyable?) I love some of the other ideas that people have left for you. Hiring a young mommy helper…Oh…I would have loved that. My daughter does that as she can and it sure helps her get the housework caught up or she can take a little time just for herself. Heavenly! I wished I lived closer to her.
Christine’s last blog post..The Mother Of All Lists!
March 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Oh you sweet girl!! I totally feel for you, that was my life for 8 weeks! I started thinking today that my little one really isn’t getting enough of me either, and it made me sad!
Do what’s best for you and hang in there! For what it’s worth, I think you are an amazing mom and woman!
amy’s last blog post..Mammary Lane Revisited
March 12th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I donot envey you,in a few ways I’m glad that children were not in God’s plans for us.Given the health issuues the my BH and I have.
This being said,I take my hat off to those special people that seem to have fortitude comming out the ears to handle children.God Bless.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
You got to do what is best for you. No guilt. Just what is right.
HRH’s last blog post..The state of my candlesticks address…
March 12th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Wow…you are overwhelmed aren’t you? You started out the blog saying you didn’t have much to say, and yet you had so much to say. Honey…Perhaps we could evaluate the efficiency of your time? I took a class on how to work smarter, not harder. It was awesome!! Also, although you may not feel like there’s enough hours in the day, but maybe you and the little one need an hour of outdoor time or a reading time at the library? It might help you get to “talk” to grown ups and get you both out of the house. Breaks are good ya know.
Grandy’s last blog post..My Readers ROCK!!
March 13th, 2008 at 1:24 am
(((hugs and more hugs)))
Veronica’s last blog post..Sheesh, They Are DOORS People!
March 13th, 2008 at 6:08 am
I’m a day behind here, but you have to do what’s best for all of you. Good luck with your decision. And have more wine (i mean, whine).
Jennifer H’s last blog post..Pen to paper
March 13th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
[...] been a real eye-opener in many ways as I candidly blogged about my family, my life, my house, and my career. Looking back has been painful to say the least. Many readers may have even passed judgment, but [...]
March 13th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Sandy, life. is. too. short. Enjoy your daughter. Breathe. Let go of what you can. And huge hugs to you!
Jen of a2eatwrite’s last blog post..Traffic – The Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys
March 13th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
It is incredibly hard. People who glorify it have never done it.
Emily R’s last blog post..Parenting confession
March 14th, 2008 at 5:40 am
I’ll trade you.. Spring break looming with three boys…oh and I am recovering from surgery.
AtomiK Kitten’s last blog post..The idiocy that is the general population..
March 14th, 2008 at 7:05 pm