Feeling a little hard pressed
For the most part, I like being a woman.
The heels. The lipstick. The lacy lingerie.
It’s awesome. Never mind the fact that I can’t remember the last time I actually utilized any of the above.
Also, I’ve never been a dude. So, perhaps I’m a little biased.
Anyhow, from my experience, possessing a bit of feminine wile certainly has its perks.
When huge, ugly spiders come into the house, Dadisodes gently escorts them back into the outside world using some household vessel (i.e. cup or tissue).
I’m too delicate to witness murder of any sort.
In sixth grade, during a sweltering, humid Florida afternoon, my P.E. teacher blew his whistle to signal everyone onto the field for a 1-mile run. I skulked off to the side, hunched over, and whimpered something about ‘cramps’ and ‘first time’.
It’s amazing how much cooler it is sitting under a tree.
However, like anything with great power, comes great responsibility. Which usually translates to something not so pleasant.
You know, like childbirth.
Having to prove that you can open jars on your own.
Allowing complete strangers to stare and poke at your va-jay-jay every year.
Or worse…
Mammograms.
Leave it to Murphy to give me lumpy breasts the only times in my life I actually have boobs.
While breastfeeding Babisodes four years ago, I found a lump in my right breast. Many, many people I didn’t know felt, scanned and looked at my boobs.
Turns out, they found nothing. Once I stopped breastfeeding, it went away.
This time around with Bittysodes, my doctor found two new lumps just last week.
She didn’t want to mess around so she felt, scanned, and ordered a mammogram to cover all the bases.
I will never look at a Panini sandwich press the same ever again.
Before going in for the procedure I had an idea of what was in store, so I tried my best to empty as much milk from my breasts as possible.
But those machines?
Holy cow udders Batman.
It’s too bad there were no metal buckets in the room.
Or booze…or stress balls.
I do not look forward to doing that again for a long, long time.
At least I hope.
I’m just incredibly thankful that it all worked out, again.
I posted this on FB last fall. But I had my first mammogram back then and the person who did it was an elderly black woman who sang gospel songs throughout the whole procedure, danced from place to place in the room…DANCED, and told me to “SMILE!” before each squishing. Awkward.
May 20th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
I must be losing my touch or something – because the notion of offering to kiss ‘em and make ‘em better barely even crossed my mind.
lceel´s last blog ..100 Word Challenge – Sanitary
May 20th, 2010 at 10:12 pm
I am so glad that everything turned out alright! *shudder* but OUCH!
Heather´s last blog ..to my husband on his birthday*
May 20th, 2010 at 10:12 pm
You know what they say about preparing for mammograms…slam your boob in the fridge door a few times!
Robin´s last blog ..Not so Wordless Wednesday
May 20th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Momisodes, I have neither read nor written a blog in months (before yesterday) and I am delighted to see you are still writing away. Your perspecxtives on everyday life refreshing.
And, though I have heard admissions that some men know plenty about lacy undergarments and make-up, I know none thathave ever experienced childbirth or mammograms.
For the record, I take public tansit, and I have watched as women boarded onto buses with one child on foot, another on shoulder, bags of groceries, and a fold up carriage. I think mothers are amazing
May 20th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Pretty common, as you very well know.
The thought of putting my lactating breasts in a machine is probably why I never let a doctor near my boobs while nursing.
The Mother´s last blog ..I Know You All Want Answers
May 20th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
So not looking forward to getting that done :/ Brilliant title and I Love Robin’s comment! hehehe
MBonn´s last blog ..No Euphemisms here!
May 20th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
Oh, praise God!!!!!
May 20th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
I’m very pleased that you’re okay!
And, once again, very pleased that I am not a woman
I LOVE women of course, but boy sometimes it seems you got the short end of the stick.
We men would be lost without you!
Chris´s last blog ..Photostory Friday: 365 Week 20
May 21st, 2010 at 12:20 am
Thank Goodness! My mom calls them boob squishes, and I have yet to experience one, and you have made it all the more unappealing once again!! =)
Erin´s last blog ..It’s more than eating paste
May 21st, 2010 at 1:29 am
omg I LOVE the title of this post!
And OUCH.
Kelley´s last blog ..So, I totally think that the universe went to the ad agency execs in their dreams and was all ‘you need to make this ad to fuck with Kelley’s brain’ and they were all ‘Who the hell is Kelley?’ and the universe was all ‘*sigh* just do it’. And they did. OMFG.
May 21st, 2010 at 1:35 am
My worst nightmare
Glad all went well for you!!!
NicoleB, Egypt´s last blog ..Walk through a Wadi in Dahab (part 1)
May 21st, 2010 at 2:31 am
great to know that its normal!!
May 21st, 2010 at 3:41 am
I can’t imagine, that must have been so painful.
So glad that everything turned out OK.
Allison´s last blog ..Blogs, Books and Brown Eyes – Thank You Journal
May 21st, 2010 at 6:25 am
Since my first mammogram (blah, blah, blah) years ago, the results have always been ‘inconclusive’ and my docs have also ordered ultrasounds. Why must I continue to endure tata flattening if they don’t work for me?! (sorry for the rant)
I feel your pain, literally. Glad the results were normal.
May 21st, 2010 at 7:53 am
Yikes. So glad everything is OK. xoxo
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Garden(ing) Party
May 21st, 2010 at 8:09 am
Yay! I love that cartoon. My first mammogram was so painful I haven’t had another. I’m a bit overdue.
May 21st, 2010 at 8:56 am
I’m glad everything was normal first and foremost. But a lot of the stuff you described is why I’m glad to have been born a man. So much easier and so much less painful!
Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Ouch!
May 21st, 2010 at 9:37 am
The most beautiful picture ever. I had a scare last year and though everything was fine, I’ll never be cavalier about a mammogram again.
Mom24@4evermom´s last blog ..PSF & Project 365 #20
May 21st, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I truly hope you meant that post to be as funny as it was, because it WAS and it was brilliant!!
Glad all is well.
Cecily R´s last blog ..Photo Story Friday and Wisdom From Gracie
May 21st, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Yay so glad it was negative! Seriously you’ve had just way to many health issues already, time for a break!
How’s the little Bittysodes? I’m so busy with the two kiddos I’ve totally neglected my blog. But all is super awesome, just super busy.
skiplovey´s last blog ..Looks similar, tastes totally different
May 21st, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Yep, that’s definitely on the top of my annoying-things-about-being-a-woman list. Glad it worked out ok though.
Emily´s last blog ..PSF and first and last
May 21st, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I’m glad all is well, but I’m sorry you had to go through the wringer (or squasher?). I especially liked your post title.
Emily´s last blog ..Mindless Fun
May 21st, 2010 at 2:07 pm
I cannot even imagine… even with milk in them… YIKES!
I remember feeling lumps while breastfeeding but I was always able to massage them out while feeding/pumping. Are the lumps up near your armpits? That’s where I always found mine.
Sara´s last blog ..1st time on the potty
May 21st, 2010 at 2:15 pm
I am happy your mammo went well and all is good! Nothing can scare the pee out of you like finding a lump.
I am lacking in the chest area and a mammo always brings tears to my eyes and bruises to my ribs. I also have one that is larger than the other because my two brats, I mean lovely children, would only nurse on one side and the tech ALWAYS has to ask if I am aware of the size difference. Painfully so, thank you.
May 21st, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Oh man. i would never ever ever want to get a mammogram. ever.
But hey, at least you know youre safe from the big C, right?
Doll Clothes Gal Pal´s last blog ..Michelle Post – Life is over
May 21st, 2010 at 9:15 pm
So glad it was negative. Scary stuff.
I can’t imagine having to go through a mammogram while lactating. I think I am feeling what guys feel when another guy is racked.
Carrie´s last blog ..Trying to find my mom skills
May 21st, 2010 at 9:35 pm
I must admit I am another person overdue for her mammogram. Glad to hear your results were normal.
Joyce-Anne´s last blog ..Nothing good to report
May 21st, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Aren’t they something?? I’m old enough to now have to have them EVERY year … happy happy joy joy!
That cartoon just cracked me up.
But what counts is the all normal! whew!
Jenners´s last blog ..Writers’ Workshop: The Chapters of My Life
May 21st, 2010 at 9:55 pm
I can’t even begin to imagine getting a mammogram when I was still breastfeeding. I would have been shooting milk everywhere. So glad to hear that it was nothing!
Cara´s last blog ..Just Beachy
May 21st, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Ugh…you’d think they would come up with an easier test. I hate getting them:/
May 21st, 2010 at 11:03 pm
I have yet to have one yet, but am thinking I will soon. There is now a history of it in my family since my aunt developed it.
Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings´s last blog ..Theology discussion with a three-year old. Lord, help me!
May 21st, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Ouch! I’m so glad all is well.
May 22nd, 2010 at 1:11 am
I laughed when I saw that cartoon!! that pretty much sums it up. LOL. glad to hear yours turned out normal.
Jeanne´s last blog ..Just Another Day
May 22nd, 2010 at 9:09 am
Tell me about it. Not fun at all, especially when you’re lactating. BTW, love the name “Bittysodes”.
Mama in Suburbia´s last blog ..Baby, how you’ve grown
May 22nd, 2010 at 9:43 am
Youch. As if Breastfeeding isn’t painful enough.
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity´s last blog ..MAMJoB: Moms Against Mom Jeans on Babies.
May 22nd, 2010 at 12:09 pm
OH you crack me up with the panini comment. I’ll be hard pressed to eat one from now on…
Puna´s last blog ..May 21, Bananas & Fish
May 22nd, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I think this was funny only because i’ve never had one…or because they smooshed the milk out of your boobs. That’s just wacky.
May 22nd, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Thank God it was negative. But yikes! Does it really hurt?
ceemee´s last blog ..Coupons, anyone?
May 23rd, 2010 at 7:35 am
I know–why don’t they screen for testicular cancer in the same way? I wonder…
Asianmommy´s last blog ..Police Department & Fire Department (Mandarin)
May 23rd, 2010 at 11:42 am
So glad there was nothing wrong in the end
Jeanette´s last blog ..The Rand Airshow
May 23rd, 2010 at 4:37 pm
[...] « Feeling a little hard pressed [...]
May 23rd, 2010 at 7:23 pm
I’m glad everything is normal. But I’ve heard nothing and I mean nothing pleasant about those machines either!
killlashandra´s last blog ..No More
May 25th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
OMG, I can’t even imagine having a mammogram while breastfeeding. What a mess! Thankfully you are just fine.
May 28th, 2010 at 8:48 am