Fo’ shizzle my whiz-le
Nearly every job comes with some level of drama. Whether you telecommute from home, or make your way through a sea of cubicles to your desk, there is always an undercurrent of gossip, work related or not.
Ten years ago, I had a very strange patient. He was one of my first live patients as a nursing student. Up until then, all of my hands-on experience was with plastic human body models, or fruit under a professor’s supervision. We practiced giving injections on oranges, and often sat in a group going step-by-step on how to perform procedures. In my mind, I had them all down, every last one. I had become an expert at inserting and removing a host of medical equipment in and out of imaginary body parts (could that sound anymore disturbing?)
Then I had Richard the patient. He was a silent fellow. In fact, none of the nurses in the unit had actually heard him speak, he just pointed and groaned on occasion. But at 78 years old with a touch of dementia, that was not out of the ordinary.
Anyhow, on this day, he needed his urinary catheter removed.
In my mind, I had done this a thousand times (on a fake model penis), but Richard the patient was my first time doing it in reality (on a real, *ahem* 78 year old johnson).
A registered nurse accompanied me into Richard’s room for the procedure.
“Good morning, Richard. This is Sandy. She is a nursing student. She will be helping me to remove your catheter, okay?”
Richard was slightly reclined in his bed while he looked over at us blankly. After a long pause, he finally nodded his head.
“Hi Richard, I’m going to set up my tray over here and get you set up. I’ll have to move the bottom of your gown to the side so I can see your catheter, okay?” I said nervously.
Slowly, Richard shifted one leg from under the white sheet as his hand pulled up his hospital gown. He sat still, in silence.
“Okay, Sandy. Make sure you have your syringe ready to deflate the balloon inside his bladder before you pull the catheter out,” the nurse reminded me.
Perhaps it was the nurse looming over my shoulders, or Richard sitting with his one-eyed willy in full view staring at me blankly, but my mind began to race. With shaky gloved hands I reached over and attempted to gingerly remove the medical tape that held the catheter in place. Surprisingly the catheter began to slip out on its own, so I tried my best to guide it out slowly. It was then that Richard’s eyes swelled into saucers as he lunged his face 2 inches from mine and screamed,…
“GET THAT F#&K!NG THING OUT NOW!!!”
I never yanked on a piece of tubing so hard in my life. Which wasn’t a great idea since it sent residual urine flying all over… me. At that moment, I could have used a catheter in my own bladder.
So Richard turned out to have a voice after all.
And all of the nurses in the unit had a solid week’s worth of gossip about the dumb nursing student who showered herself in pee, and managed to finally torture the voice out of Richard.
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See clip below for the most hilarious nursing story ever.
I almost peed on myself reading this!!!
Sharon’s last blog post..Mommy Bracelet
June 7th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
LMAO! That was hilarious!! Both stories! My goodness…the things that happen!!
June 7th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Poor old guy. But funny.
June 7th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Oh my…that must have been so terrifying and embarrassing at the same time!!!
June 7th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
oh my
what a crazy story – As a speech therapist I have some funny stories too –
I worked in stroke and brain injury at the beginning of my career – and oh my
nice post and I like the link
Elle’s last blog post..Lights…Camera…Action
June 7th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I loved your nursing story as well as the video clip. Thanks for the laugh!
Melissa’s last blog post..Conversations with Adelle
June 8th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Oh my gosh, Sandy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Were you totally grossed out or what?????????????
Alicia’s last blog post..TO HELP OR NOT TO HELP…
June 8th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Awhhh….
BTW, love the new profile pic
June 8th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Great story and congrats on the magazine story as well…
Mike’s last blog post..A Strange New World…
June 8th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Oh dear! Hehehe.
Veronica’s last blog post..What do you think you’re doing?!
June 8th, 2009 at 3:15 am
Wow, I can’t stop laughing! A lot must have changed in the past ten years of nursing school, my little sister just got her BSN and all the way through school she had real live people. But by far your storie is the best!
krystal’s last blog post..Enjoying my Husband
June 8th, 2009 at 4:11 am
What a uhhh sweet story. Experience is such a cruel teacher sometimes. Enjoyed reading about your experience — that may be part of why you ended up in neo-natal care. They definitely don’t scream obsineties at you.
Patsy’s last blog post..Haiku Friday — Facebook Frustration
June 8th, 2009 at 8:15 am
First.. CONGRATS.. woo hooo.. awesomeness!!
And ouch, yuck.. and hysterical… your story.. and that video clip.. bahahah.. 85 years old.. so funny..
Kim’s last blog post..Weekly Winners – A Cowgirl’s Birthday
June 8th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Um, freaking hilarious. Both stores. LMAO and totally glad that I’m not a nurse! lol
Emily’s last blog post..A picnic at the park is…
June 8th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Oh, well your job is really tough and doing that for the first time is really scary. I can never be a woman of medicine so I have deep respect for those in this field.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:27 am
So your first patient was named Richard, or would that be dick?
Too funny, both your post and the video.
Employee No. 3699’s last blog post..I Am Not…
June 8th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Oops, forgot to capitalize Dick.
Employee No. 3699’s last blog post..I Am Not…
June 8th, 2009 at 10:51 am
ROFL and ew! Poor guy and poor you, but hilarious for us!
June 8th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Okay. Was Richard his real name? Seriously? Or are you just saying that because he was ther first real live penis you ever worked on. Because that would just be an incredible coincidence, wouldn’t it?
In any case. Poor Richard. And poor you!!!
Love the video clip too. Oh my!!! Kind of makes me question whether or not to go back to school for nursing.
Kat’s last blog post..The Poll
June 8th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Oh my. I’m still giggling. Poor you and poor Richard. Thanks for sharing this today, I needed a chukle.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Where does the time go?
June 8th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
***oops, I meant chuckle.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Where does the time go?
June 8th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Oh my god, so horrifying and so funny at the same time!
Cara’s last blog post..Splish Splash
June 8th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Okay…I’m trying to decide if it’s funny or not..or maybe it’s that it’s funny, but I don’t want you to know I think it’s funny.
Krystyn’s last blog post..An outing gone wrong
June 8th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Those first patients can be a real trial.
My first H&P was on a 52 yo stock broker in the “rich” wing of the hospital. You know, the ones with living rooms and better food?
His pager went off forty eight times while I was doing my thing, to announce that gold was closing or Tokyo had opened.
Talk about pressure.
The Mother’s last blog post..Boys and Girls ARE Different. TRUST Me.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I could never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever…..be a nurse.
Thank God for people like you.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Hehehehe, awesome. I was reading with one I open and the other cringing shut in anticipation because you set the scene so perfectly. Poor Richard.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Inverse Proportionality (Maggie Math)
June 8th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
That is fantastic. There is a special corner of heaven reserved for nurses!
Lisa Rae’s last blog post..18 Morning Minutes
June 8th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Oy, Sandy. Way too funny. My introduction to my nephew was getting spritzed in the face by his 4-day-old Johnson. Getting peed on is never pleasant, even for nursing students or aunts.
Jen of a2eatwrite’s last blog post..Some Book Fun: Books that Stay with You
June 8th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
that has got to hurt, and stink. LOL
June 8th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
lol ewww
Ashley’s last blog post..Eat It Like You Mean It
June 8th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Were the two of us trading comments about 16 months ago when I had my oopherectomy (is that the right term for an ovary removal?!)? They came in to prep me and said, “Mrs. C we are going to cath you.” I said, “Oh no you aren’t” They said, “We have to. You’ll be completely under and depending on how it goes (prophetic sentence) you may not be about of bed for a day or two.” Again I stated, “Oh no. You. Are. Not. The only way I will be cath’d is once you have me put completely under.” She refused and left. About ten minutes later my 80 year old OB came in and said, “nighty night!” and when I woke up I had a catheter and a belly gash from hip to hip…so much for lapro.
Undercover Princess’s last blog post..Oops
June 8th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Funny story, but I couldn’t get the video to work
Cookie’s last blog post..It Doesn’t Really Pay to be Early
June 8th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
And that my dear is the reason I am not a nurse.
Christine’s last blog post..The Parole Board Is Insane
June 9th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Was that the first of many times you got peed on? LOL
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..DysFUNctional Mom and the Crazy, Surreal, Bizarre, Horrible and Wonderful Day
June 9th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Whoa!!!
I could not be a nurse either! I was discussing this with my sister who is a nurse only last Sunday! Nope, could not do it!
LOL at the video!
Jientje’s last blog post..Ruby Tuesday Rain … Go Away …
June 9th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Oh my, funny and scary all at the same time. And, the funny clip — I can’t imagine!! Nurses truly are special people!!
Karen @ If I Could Escape’s last blog post..My virgin post: Random Tuesday Thoughts
June 9th, 2009 at 8:03 am
That is so funny! Sorry you had to get showered in pee while being cussed out by a senior citizen, but it makes for a great story!
Lauren’s last blog post..Note to Self
June 9th, 2009 at 9:15 am
ROFL… Sorry.. but I’m laughing with you, not at you.
I know that I can never be in the medical field. I’m too squarmish with all these bodily fluid.
Amy @ The Q Family’s last blog post..Dreaming of: Cruising
June 9th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Mortuary Science might be easier. Urine showers would be be completely out of the realm. Hilarious story…for us, anyway. I’m not sure Richard could say the same.
Lisa’s last blog post..notes to strangers around town
June 9th, 2009 at 11:44 am
That’s horrifying but hilarious!!
susieshomemade’s last blog post..Tackling a Playset
June 9th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
This is one tale I enjoyd reading…not that I love the part that you showered yourself with ahem…acck! Sorry for that.
The story in the video was funny!
Mariposa’s last blog post..Sleeping Tips Everyone…
June 9th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Oh My. That is hysterical. Poor Richard and richard. I hope things went smoother in the future of your nursing career. Oh, and the video clip, priceless.
WeaselMomma’s last blog post..Food, Friends And Fun
June 9th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
LOL. hilarious now after the fact. i am sure it was not funny at the time. : )
savvymode’s last blog post..June Gloom, Chocolate Chip Cookies & Faux Lashes
June 9th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
First I was gonna say Poor Richard, but oh my! Poor YOU! lol. His pain only lasted a minute…yours? Yours is still vivid! lol Great humorous post! lol
sheila’s last blog post..Conversations With a 16 Year Old
June 9th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
As I was reading this I was so nervous to hear what was going to be the end result. But I must say it seemed, painful, embarrassing, and funny. This is exactly why I am not a nurse.
Felicia – I Complete Me’s last blog post..I want her body shape
June 9th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
I keep telling people I have an “inner nurse” in me. Really, I think I was meant to be a nurse. This kind of thing would TOTALLY happen to me though…
hmmmm….
yeah, still an inner nurse. Dang….
Heather of the EO’s last blog post..Who wants to learn about shunts?
June 9th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I have such respect for nurses – I could NEVER do it.
Great story and great storytelling!
Kimberly’s last blog post..Tiny dancer
June 9th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
And yet another reason I’m not cut out to be a nurse!
Lordy!
Jenners’s last blog post..Need Blogging Help?
June 9th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
D’oh!
Nap Warden’s last blog post..I’m Keeping Him…
June 9th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Now those are some great nursing stories! Darn, all I heard at the dinner table growing up were about blood and guts, difficult patients and mean head nurses…..
Holly at Tropic of Mom’s last blog post..Baby showers for the second (third, fourth…) child?
June 9th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Poor you! I must admit, I laughed at your story although at that time it probably wasn’t really funny to you. I truly admire your profession. I couldn’t do it myself.
The video was hilarious. What stories nurses must have.
Maria@Conversations with Moms’s last blog post..Bella Sara – Review and Giveaway
June 10th, 2009 at 7:53 am
LOL I know all too well the catheter experience. LOL That was too funny!!!
Tiff@ThreePeas’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
June 10th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Holy Cow, that was HILARIOUS! I took one year of nursing school, and it was the catheter in the penis that told me really quickly that I was not meant to be a nurse! I am in awe of nurses and the things they have to do!
Cathy’s last blog post..What Happened to the Semi-Happy Homemaker?
June 14th, 2009 at 11:35 am
I feel for you girl! Don’t worry about the gossip. I’m sure they all have early nursing career stories. You just may have made them feel a little better about theirs. =)
I can’t believe that video! I have never thought that a person would masterbate in a hospital. YUuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
The Glamorous WAHM’s last blog post..Would You Like The Secret To A Simpler Happier Life?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:59 am