Forty Winks
I just want to sleep.
With the slow lift of my eyelids, I only see partial light. My head rolls against my pillow towards the window. Only the gentle, blue hues of the early dawn peak through the shutters.
Down the hall, her tiny footsteps quicken towards my bedroom. She is awake.
And I just want to sleep.
My heavy heart and swollen eyelids yearn to lie cocooned beneath the warm comforter, perhaps forever…
For once my toes reach the cold, creaky floor below, time begins to race.
The daily list of laundry, meals, the post office, dishes, playdates, and a hundred other errands and tasks seem endless. I’ve become accustomed to this. As if I have pushed myself beyond the cramps and pain, and achieved a runner’s high. The wear and tear on my hands and sneakers are clear, but I pay little mind these days, because I have control. With dishes and schedules, I forge my own destiny.
But in other areas, I have no power.
So I’d rather sleep.
Every night that passes, her 3-year old body grows taller, stronger. With each dawn, her tiny hands slowly begin to fill in mine. Her words become more articulate, her mind quicker and affective.
“Can Hello Kitty be my sister?”
Her raw, honest curiosities cut deeper than she knows. Because I love her more than life itself, and wish nothing more than to have another child, and provide her with the type of companionship she clearly longs for. But it is out of my hands.
So I turn to sleep.
In my dreams time stands still. There are no pregnancy tests. No widening gap between my daughter and a non-existent sibling. No follow up biopsies (scheduled this Wednesday). No possibilities for cancer to pour salt on the throbbing hole in our hearts. If results from Wednesday are similar to last time, all efforts for another child will be placed on hold yet again.
I don’t know when I will let go of this dream of mine. Perhaps the void will never be filled, and I will always be longing for sleep (or a damn cigarette or coffee).
Because in my dreams, she is always my little girl.
And she never needs to pretend, or play alone.
First of all, congrats on your Mommy Blogger Award!
I hope the biopsy turns out well, & I hope that everything you hope for comes true.
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Chocolate Fortunes? Who Could Ask For Anything More?
March 16th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Everything will be fine, your in my thought…..
Leidy’s last blog post..Mommy interviews Lulu
March 16th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
What a beautifully written post… so beautiful it just tore my heart out. Good luck with everything. Both you and your daughter deserve to have another baby in your life. That was beautiful!
March 17th, 2009 at 12:35 am
I LOVE your poetic writing and your post really touched me. I feel your pain. My kids ended up spaced further apart than I had wanted due to a miscarriage. I truly wish you the best and I hope you are able to have another baby as soon as possible.
Melissa’s last blog post..Embracing Change
March 17th, 2009 at 1:32 am
beautifully written, love.
sending positive thoughts and hugs.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..The nest: half full or half empty?
March 17th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Thinking of you . . . wishing for you.
She will always, always be your baby, your little girl. ALWAYS.
Don’t forget that.
And, you totally and completely deserved that award.
March 17th, 2009 at 1:51 am
I’m here. Always. And I’m praying.
lceel’s last blog post..abandonded luncheonette
March 17th, 2009 at 3:28 am
I wish I could send some magic your way, or a dream fairy. Sending good thoughts.
Jennifer H’s last blog post..Wherein I rant, and use a lot of italics
March 17th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Oh sweety.
((hugs)) for you and your baby-girl.
xx
Marylin’s last blog post..Weekly Winners #haventgotaclue
March 17th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Congratulations in making the Top 5 for the Mommy Blogger Awards!
This post was touching… I hope God grants the desires of your heart.
ceemee’s last blog post..A Time To Share And Enjoy
March 17th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Congrats on the Mommy Blogger Awards!
And more importantly, it’s time. Time for you to come visit and have a taste of wild and crazy siblings. We are free this weekend, but busy the next and then soccer starts soon after that. Ping me on email with your schedule!
And I know this is no consolation, but it took a whole year for me to conceive Dova. I even went for the fertility blood test and Doug was trying to avoid his test, when it just happened. Patience…
And what happened to the Momlogic night out? Don’t see any more entries. Is it up to you to decide?
Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..Silly Monkey Story – Marge Simpson Hair
March 17th, 2009 at 9:41 am
We’re going to expect that they got it all last time, and you’ve been worrying for nothing.
And we’re going to keep our fingers crossed, just in case.
The Mother’s last blog post..The Gene for Common Sense is on the X Chromosome
March 17th, 2009 at 10:09 am
((hug)) your writing is beautiful, makes it all the more powerful. (you totallydeserve that award!) ~~ Wuzzle was a surprise… After two years of trying we gave up and made other plans for our lives. After accepting we may never have kids we were blessed with her. I have my fingers crossed that your follow up goes well.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Congratulations on being in the top 5!!! You certainly earned it!
Sorry to hear about the biopsy and the rest. It’s so hard to be in limbo like that, especially when you love your daughter so much and could give that same love to another child. You want the best for her and you and your husband, so I guess you’ll have to trust that the universe will give you what is best, even if it’s not what you want? Be gentle with yourself, Sandy.
((((Hugs))))
Dot’s last blog post..Impatient to Learn
March 17th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Hoping for the best. Maybe during those sleepless moments we can invent some magical dust that will prevent our little girls from growing any more.
Hockeyman’s last blog post..Celebrate the Irish
March 17th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Congratulations on the Mommy Blogger Award!
You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck on Wednesday!
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Frustrated with a captial F
March 17th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Sandy,
I wish you peace. I know you are unsettled right now but things will work out. There is a plan for all of us, you just don’t see it yet.
This too shall pass (though may not as soon as you wish.)
I feel for you. We all have struggles as women, big and small. Sharing yours helps others cope and maybe that is why you are going through this now…to help us.
Sending you hugs and love!
Congrats on your big award!!!!!!
Dejoni’s last blog post..Spring break with Geritol
March 17th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Wishing you some luck for Wed and some peace of mind. Praying for you Sandy. Things are going to get better.
March 17th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
(((HUGS))) I hope all goes well on Wednesday. I hope one day you get your wish for another child…..
Congrats on making the top 5!
March 17th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Congrats on the mommy blogging award. I hope things go well on wednesday. For me time goes forward. I know longer have to get up and get go to work for someone else, I have my own schedule that I created cause I work for myself. I’m not in debt, money is no longer a worry, etc, etc.
Felicia – I Complete Me’s last blog post..Be Sure to Empty Your Head
March 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
*hugs* I’m srry you’re struggling so much, Sandy. I’m hoping and prayin for you!!!
March 17th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Sandy, my heart aches for you. What a beautiful person you are. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Try not to be too worried, I know that’s easy for me to say… Sending hugs and love your way.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Oh Sandy – I’m all emotional for you with that last picture. I can’t stand it. I know you just want to stay under those covers but I have this feeling everything is going to work out. I just have to believe that and I hope you can believe it too.
You are in my thoughts….
Lee of MWOB’s last blog post..Is anyone having FUN??
March 17th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
HUGE congrats on the award, and I’m holding ALL digits that the results will be clear
Jeanette’s last blog post..A boy and a bubble
March 17th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Ohhhh hugs Sandy.
I wish I could make your deepst wish come true, just by sending you all the good vibes and positive energy I have. xxx
Congrats on the award.
Jientje’s last blog post..Ruby Tuesday, Ladybug
March 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
“deepest” wish that is! Eww I hate it when that happens!
Jientje’s last blog post..Ruby Tuesday, Ladybug
March 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Congratulations on the Mommy Blogger Award!! You so totally deserved it! (And the beautiful writing of this entry just shows it all!!)
((HUGS)) I totally understand your frustration and hurt. We tried for over two years before just giving up. At 24 I’d come to realize that I would probably never have my own children. So, Hubby and I made other plans for our life. Then… Wuzzle surprised us! I don’t know if that helps at all… but just wanted to share my bit of hope with you.
Jac’s last blog post..My future restraining order
March 17th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
ehug for the post and yay mommy blogger!!
jameil’s last blog post..Crazy Movie Lady 8
March 17th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I hope everything will work out just great. It’s easy to get caught up in the what-ifs. How wonderful that Babisodes is a light and a joy.
Sending prayers and good thoughts….
Holly at Tropic of Mom’s last blog post..Nature activity for kids: outdoor rubbings
March 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
(((((hug))))) I’d wrap you in my arms and rock you if I could. The honesty in your writing always touches me whether it is making me laugh or making me ache for you — you always touch me.
You will be in thoughts and prayers on Wednesday that all goes well and as you await the results of those test I’ll continue to pray that the outcome will be what you want.
Then I’ll pray that you and my daughter will become preg. at the same time and I will have one new grandbaby to hold in my arms and one to hold in my heart.
My daughter has suffered through the same test with the same results as you — only the second test came back where she can now *try* to have a baby. So far nothing there, but I just keep thinking — “Okay it could be nine months from tonight.”
Is a mother supposed to think that?????
Patsy’s last blog post..100 Word Challenge — Snapped
March 17th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I hope that everything goes well tomorrow!
My heartbreaks for you. I hope that you and your family’s dreams come true and there is a babisodes season 2 very soon!
Amanda’s last blog post..What to do with the "left over" TV
March 17th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Well congrats on being a finalist! I think I can get copies of that magazine at my son’s school so I’ll look for it and look for you! How very exciting!
And I kind of know what you are going through. I was so sure I only wanted one child but then rethought it but now it feels like it is too late and too far apart to do so I’ve let it go and I’ll just enjoy what I do have. I hope you get to fulfill your dream though — it is a difficult thing.
Jenners’s last blog post..Fun and Games With Jenners: Game 2: Photo Riddles
March 17th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Aww so sweet! The innocence is amazing and beautiful.
Hope things go well on Wednesday!
Cookie’s last blog post..Dear Pick Up Truck Owner
March 17th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Hey you. I have been absent due to situations out of my control, but you, you have remained in my prayers and thoughts.
Sending you wishes, love, prayers and peace.
As always,
Rachel
March 17th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Hugs hugs and hugs. You guys are in my prayers – and please do let me know what you find out Wed! Beyond that, just one step at a time. xoxo
Ashley’s last blog post..On Looking Straight Ahead.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
*HUG*
Cassandra {Simply Fearelss}’s last blog post..Looking for Love?
March 18th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Awwww… Such a sweet post!! Congrats on the award!!
Elaine B.’s last blog post..Letterpress Wannabes Le Pouf French Antique Note card set of 3 Bridesmaid gift
March 18th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Super post. Quite a tear jerker…
Style Contessa’s last blog post..Faux Martha-We All Get Inspired
March 18th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Fingers crossed! And congrats on the award! And fingers crossed again.
patois’s last blog post..Wordy Wednesday #52: Sir, Yes, Sir!
March 18th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Hoping and praying that all goes well for you today. That picture of Babidoides swing by herself made me cry. You know the age gap is not really so bad a thing. An older child gets to really enjoy the baby and for you, there will probably be less sibling fighting. It certainly has its positives.
Christine’s last blog post..Post 251 or Where Did She come From?
March 18th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I can’t say what is best — my kids are two years apart and now that they are 5 and 7 life is a lot easier and they do play nicely together. The built in playmate dream has come true in my case. I still have friends though, who at 37 are counting the days until they will have their first child (or even get married). And, I have friends who are divorced with several kids and trying to cope as a single parent. I wish you the best and hope you get your dream soon!
Michelle’s last blog post..Comment on AWOL by Reluctant Blogger
March 18th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
You write so beautifully, no matter what the subject.
I hope everything goes well for you!
xoxo
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..Wordful Wednesday ~ Gone Postal
March 19th, 2009 at 2:38 am
You really do have a passion for writing and your daughter is absolutely beautiful. I hope all went well on Wednesday and I’m sending you every positive vibe I have.
Warmly….
March 19th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Sandy, if you make me cry one more time… Love you sweetie! Beautiful (well, duh…always is)
Christie-A Work In Progress’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: I Just Couldn’t Resist
March 19th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Oh man… this post made me so sad. I will keep sending positive vibes your way, Sandy. Stay strong and don’t give up hope! Babisodes will love her sibling no matter how close or far the age gap is. She will be a great helper, when the time comes!
SherE’s last blog post..Here I am! Here I am! I’m back!
March 20th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
A beautiful piece of writing that sends its message to the bone…..I wish your family all the best Sandy.
katcarneo’s last blog post..Hands
March 24th, 2009 at 12:14 pm