Heavy things
People often ask me the same question regarding this blog- “Why?”
It seems to be the reflex inquiry when someone finds out that I am a blogger. Last March, Scholastic Parent & Child Magazine asked me why I started a blog. And just a few weeks ago, StoryCorps recorded an audio interview in my home, and asked me, “Why do you blog?”
I suppose at first, I really had no idea why. When I started two years ago, I just wanted my own place. At the end of a 16-hour hospital shift, followed by breastfeeding on demand at home, I needed a space where I could just brain dump. Not only to bitch and moan, but to capture snippets of the ordinary and extraordinary moments.
However, after a few months of writing and feeling out this space, it became clear what my purpose for writing is here.
It is for me, my husband, and especially my daughter.
Throughout my career as a nurse, I probably lost somewhere around four to five dozen patients. They have ranged from infants only a few minutes old, to great grandparents well into their nineties. Some passed alone in my arms, and others were surrounded by family. But if there are two things I have learned about death, it is that 1) it happens fast, and 2) it is never easy for the loved ones left behind.
Perhaps it was those frequent trips down to the morgue that rerouted my drive for writing here. I wanted to capture… me. My life. My raw, honest personality that may or may not find it’s way to the surface among strangers or acquaintances, but is certainly there. My place to voice thoughts, even if no one is there to listen.
A persona that if by chance may not be around tomorrow will live on in black and white right here for my daughter to see and connect with. Who knows, maybe she’ll even like me.
Some of my clearest memories of childhood were of pulling down my spiral baby photo album from the closet and flipping through the photos of me and my mom. I always wondered what she was like at that time, gripping my tiny hands as I took my first steps, or while holding me in her arms. I saw a woman that seemed so young, beautiful, and full of life, and wondered what were her thoughts?
Although I am fortunate enough to have my mom around today, she has little memory of what motherhood was like decades ago. Which is understandable.
However, I hope that this blog will someday bridge that gap for myself and provide insights for my daughter that I wish I had. And perhaps for another child as well.
Even if I am a total wreck worrying about of the months ahead, can barely find the energy to bathe, and already feel like a McMansion housing a fetus the size of a lima bean.
Even if life isn’t always pretty…
I’ll write.
(11 weeks)
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek
That is TOTALLY the reason I blog. So glad you put it into words…now when folks ask, I’ll shoot them this link;)
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 pm
awww. hey baby bean! my mom remembers next to nothing about my childhood either. it drives me bananas. i don’t even have kids yet, but i always think about my grandkids reading and thinking about how fab grandma is and was.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Sandy,this was perfect. I love every word that you wrote and it’s also the main reason my semi-blog lives. Thank you for articulating these personal thoughts so beautifully….
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 pm
And I know I’m glad you do write.
Do you know what’s great about your blog? Your stories may be personal, but you write in a universal voice. I (a male, from Utah, who will NEVER be pregnant) identify with your wonderful words.
Keep up the good work, and I hope you’re doing well.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:30 pm
I loved this, you just reminded me why I blog. Thank you.
And look at that little bean growing!!
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 pm
just stumbled this. So well put, thank you
September 4th, 2009 at 12:03 am
And we are so grateful you do write. It’s a beautiful legacy.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:23 am
exactly!!!!
and that little belly is precious!!!!!!!!
September 4th, 2009 at 12:44 am
A baby bump! Yay! I’m so happy for you and your little lima bean.
Your post was beautiful. It made me think about how amazing it would be to read what my mom could have written about motherhood when I was little. I really enjoy looking through my “baby book” which is why I made one for each of my kids.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:00 am
adorable tiny belly!!
Can I flatter myself and think that my little post last week inspired your beautiful words today?
September 4th, 2009 at 2:09 am
You write, for whatever reason, and I will read. Yay for the baby bump!!!!
September 4th, 2009 at 3:12 am
You also totally rock at writing….so there’s another good reason.
Your tiny bump is adorable.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:02 am
This, too, is why I blog. I want my kids to feel like they have something of mine. I want them to be able to glimpse into how things were around here. And I want to be able to remember too. Because even though my kids are only 5 and 6, I am already beginning to forget.
September 4th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Wow! To be honest I knew why I blogged but really never quite put it into this perspective! Now that I do put it into this perspective, my kids are going to think I’m a tiny bit nuts! But at least they will know that I was having fun doing something I loved to do!
September 4th, 2009 at 6:55 am
And I will always read your beautiful posts, ideas and perceptions. Another beautiful post!
September 4th, 2009 at 7:28 am
You are certainly NOT a McMansion!
September 4th, 2009 at 7:35 am
That’s it. You put it beautifully and that’s how I feel as well. Love this pots. I’m going to have to book mark it to remind myself WHY I blog too!
September 4th, 2009 at 8:23 am
What a fabulous post! I’M SO GLAD YOU BLOG! I always love reading your posts. You look fab, btw!
September 4th, 2009 at 8:28 am
You look fabulous. And you write with a grace and charisma that’s unmatchable!
September 4th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Great post. People ask me why I blog all the time. And it’s always too complicated to explain exactly WHY, but you’ve done it so well. Makes me want to put things into perspective and write WHY also.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Your post makes me think about why I blog as well.
Keep up the great work. I think your words have more impact more than just you, Dadisodes and Babisodes. I’m sure there are others who can identify with your words because i know that i’m one of them.
Love the tiny bump!!
September 4th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Babisodes (and your little bump) will someday treasure the words you have preserved for them in your blog.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I agree with dysfunctional mom — another reason is that you’re a writer with quite a talent which deserves to be shared with the world. Otherwise, you could just be writing a baby book or a journal — it would be more likely to reach Babisodes than a blog.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Love this post! My reasons for blogging are twofold – one is exactly the same as yours, kind of a modern-day baby-book if you will (especially since I lasted about 3 months with that!) and second, none of our family lives around us, and I think it gives them some insight in our lives (and at their own pace – no more picassa albums and mass emails from me!!) I also find it somewhat theraputic at times, to put my thoughts on virtual paper…
congrats on the new bean!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:32 am
I don’t care WHY you blog – as long as you do. If not for blogs – yours and mine – I never would have found you – never would have met you – never would have befriended you nor been befriended by you.
People who don’t blog don’t understand how real friendships and caring is out here. And I don’t think there’s any way to really explain. The only way to understand it is to live it. I am so glad you do.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Beautifully written. Although nothing you ever put here isn’t.
Also, since I live in the land of McMansions I can safely say you are definitely NOT boxy enough to resemble one.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Such a beautiful post; you’ve captured a lot of the feelings I have about blogging (except, you know, my kids are a few years away from materializing). I love lceel’s comment — it’s so true that non-bloggers tend to think of “blogger friendships” as silly or creepy, but I’ve found some truly incredible people through blogging who are closer to me than a lot of my “real life” friends.
Anyway, thank you for sharing! And I LOVE the tummy pic. It’s so fun watching that little one grow!
September 4th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Mostly I just want to say that you’re SO DARN CUTE! I’m glad you posted a belly picture.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Yup! Ditto. It’s what I call my therapy and my legacy.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Awesome post. It is such a gift to be able to write and share our experiences with one another and especially with our children. Congrats on your little lima bean.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Me, too! My mother-in-law journaled a lot when she was younger. Now that she’s passed away, it’s a treasure to read her thoughts…
September 4th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I started out blogging to keep in touch with family, and then it turned into a sort of baby book for my daughter and now it has morphed again. It is definitely still those two things, but it is also a journal of sorts. I wish that my own mom had chronicled her early motherhood days. I do hope my daughter reads my blog some day and finds a connection to me, that she feels some of the same things I did. It is my gift to her, and to me.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
You are amazing you know that right? I love your words, and the way you share your stories, always have.
Your bump is THE cutest thing EVER btw.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
That’s exactly the reason I blog too. So well put.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
What a beautiful beautiful little bitty baby bump!
September 4th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I’m convinced that each generation loses its memory of those early days of motherhood as an evolutionary adaptation. It’s necessary, so they can urge the following generation to have babies, rather than warn them of what’s to come.
One more proof of concept.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
To echo what everyone else has said – you hit the nail on the head for my reason too, beautifully written sweety! xx
September 4th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I’m so super-extra happy that you DO write.
So much sadness to witness those deaths.
Your daughter will be just as beautiful inside and out as you, I’m sure.
I agree with the others on your gift and talent of writing.
Sweet baby bump.
A lot of short sentences today from me today, eh?
xo
September 4th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
The bump is adorable! You blog for the same reasons the generation before us kept baby books.
September 4th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Look at your wonderful baby bump. We all right for different things. For me I needed an outlet. I needed away to deal with motherhood and to find solutions. Writing forced me to come up with a solution or to simply ponder my questions. Who new that every mom felt the same exact way that I did.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Love the adorable baby bump! You certainly do have a way with words! i enjoyed reading this!
September 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
You know, for me the blogging was a zone for myself. A time when I wasn’t somebody’s mommy or wife or daughter or friend – just selfish me time. You’re point about the other things, though, leaving a record, are very apt.
I hope the pregnancy goes easily and well and that you find the time and energy to keep coming here to share your lovely words with us (and especially your family).
September 4th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I can completely relate as to why you blog. I think you have an amazing blog and a great way of telling a story.
Love the picture updates. You are still a long way from fitting into those pants!
September 4th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I started blogging as a means of coping with mood issues and a means of keeping in touch with out-of-town friends. I find it highly therapeutic. And when I read other people’s blogs, I feel not so alone as a mom. So thank you for writing.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Thank you for putting this into words. I show Sophia (my almost 3 year old) the pictures that I post of her. I tell her that I am writing for her and her 1 year old brother and the baby girl in my tummy. She asks me to tell her my stories at night about her family, and I do. I am lucky that my mom is still young and is able to relay a lot about her memories of my childhood and her experience as a mother, but my blog will give me kids even more, I hope.
Your words are beautiful and your daughter is lucky that she will have them to cherish, to laugh at, to cry over, to know you because of, when she is older.
Congrats on the new bean! Your pic is so cute. I am posting nest week the halfway mark during my first pregnancy (almost nothing), my second pregnancy (nowhere near maternity clothes really) and this, my third, where I am big and huge already. It will be embarrassing but beautiful in its own odd way. And Sophia will laugh. And later this baby girl can see how I felt when she was in my tummy, and that makes me smile.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
An excellent reason and philosophy for blogging. And what a good mom you are.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Lovely post…very resonant!
And your tiny belly is so cute!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I think that’s what blogging is for…it’s for you!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Awesome post… And I especially love your tiny baby bump (that’s what my belly looks like without being pregnant!).
September 4th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Great post.
That is one of the primary reasons I blog, too.
I wish I can say that my “bump” is because I’m expecting, too, heh! Happy weekend!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I blog for the same reasons, to capture our lives. (I just wish my writing style was half as good as yours!)
And I love your baby bump!
September 4th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
i blog for many reasons. most of which…what you said. only, you worded it way more beautifully than i ever could!
and your tummy!!! so adorable!!
xoxo
September 4th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
a beautiful post. i live long distance from my mother and this makes me want to call her up just to talk to her about what she remembers about being a mom — you are a wonderful writer
September 4th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I have been so behind on bloggin – don’t know why
I too write for myself, and my children a kind of online journal.
glad you are doing ok – great post
September 5th, 2009 at 3:36 am
I wish I had an ounce of the natural talent you have at writing/blogging! What a wonderful gift you are creating for your children!
September 5th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Look at your belly bump!!!!!!!! So cute!!!!!!!!!!
And, yes, I feel the same way about blogging! I know I’ll look back and be so thankful that I documented some of their special moments!
September 5th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
The people that ask “why?” are definitely not bloggers! It’s an escape, a diary, a connection with others, a written memory… so many things. I often wonder what my kids will think when they go back and read my blog one day. And I’m glad that i write because there are some things that I look and I would have already have forgotten things that happened even a week ago had I not blogged about them.
Great post!
and great pic!
September 5th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Wow! What a fabulous reason to write. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a loving, thoughtful, and heartfelt mom.
September 5th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Insightful! Earlier generations had letters — if they were kept. What a treasure you children will have when they are grown.
September 5th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
And I’ll be reading.
September 5th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Yay you! I love the little baby bump too.
September 5th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Thank you for the beautiful words! You said my thoughts perfectly. A lot of people give me weird expressions when I say I blog for a hobby. But they just won’t understand until they try it for themselves. I can’t IMAGINE life without blogging!
September 5th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
What an adorable baby bump! Congrats. And keep blogging.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I agree with your reasons. I have been trying to keep up with using Blurb to make “blooks” for my blog posts too – in hopes that Ali will adore thumbing through them and reading about and seeing pictures of virtually every day of her life. I’m a bit behind, but I know it is a venture well worthwhile.
And you have no reason to feel huge. You look absolutely adorable!!!!
September 6th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Well said, my friend. As I’ve discovered myself as a blogger, what was originally a place to relieve some boredom has become a snapshot of my life. When my dad died recently, I actually read a blog post I had written about him at his memorial service. I was so thankful to have had this post to read … it was written during a happy time and it hit just the right tone. I couldn’t have pulled that kind of writing off in my state of grief so I’m thankful it was there waiting for me. And like you, I hope my blog becomes a place for my son to learn about his mom, his childhood and all those little moments that you think you’ll remember but don’t.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Your reasons for blogging are so valid. This time passes so quickly and the details can get so fuzzy with the passing of time. I love that my children will know what I was like and what they were like right now in the future.
And your belly is Adorable!!!! So cute! Can’t wait to see it grow more!
September 6th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
i love reading your posts.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I adore you.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
and
awwwwwww at bebe bumpy
September 7th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I’m totally having an emotional cry over this. I started to blog for me, but realizing that one day my daughter will read it too, is so overwhelming. What a wonderful thing to share. What if my mother blogged, how much more I’d know about her.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:05 am
You keep writing and I’ll keep reading – I blog for the release, and I blog for finding a connection. I am glad I have connected with you and your blog.
Loving the little baby bump.
HUGS!
September 8th, 2009 at 5:10 am
I am always excited to read your posts.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:59 am
I’m sure Babisodes will get a kick out of reading your posts in the future. Ibet you’ll enjoy it as well. Looking back on my posts has always been an enjoyable thing for me. (Although sometimes I want to kick some myself for having written or said certain things.)
September 8th, 2009 at 7:56 am
In total agreement over here. Just wanted a written legacy somewhere that explains me. The hyphen in between our birth and death years on our headstones just doesn’t encompass it all.
Thanks for putting this in words and giving me an idea for a future blog post.
Momisodes is my muse…
September 8th, 2009 at 10:18 am
You have perfectly described why I blog. It took seeing the words you wrote to make my reasons crystal clear!
I love your tiny little bump! You look fantastic.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am