How to get a complex via mail
I am always amazed at the mailing lists I end up on.
Like when I turned 30, and some jackass thought it was appropriate to send me an AARP application.
Thirty!
Or last year when a Golden Girls-esque wig catalog arrived on my doorstep, addressed to moi.
Shimmery, permed kind of wigs (click above link to see the scariest blond Asian woman ever).
Last month I even received an American Express Black Card application in the mail. Did you know they have an annual fee of $2,500?
Think they’re aware I paid for a coffee and $1 menu apple pies in quarters at McDonalds today?
Apparently thirty marks a time of retirement, hair-loss and wealth.
Perhaps when I hit forty, they’ll send me information on Craftmatic Adjustable Beds and reverse mortgages.
However, on the flip side, there are some companies with an uncanny way of being in the know.
For instance, last year, major diaper and infant formula companies began sending products to my parent’s house addressed to me. All before I even tested positive on a pregnancy test.
How did they know?
With this in-depth method of learning about a target audience, you would think that companies would automatically remove me from these sorts of mailing lists…
“I love my body?”
Well if I did, then I don’t anymore, thankyouverymuch.
I swear every model’s waistline in this flyer is as wide as my thigh. And their thighs are thinner than my ankles.
Not to mention, I haven’t been able to see my crotch in months. I’m sure it’s a hot mess down there, and I’m not about to try and squeeze it all into their delicate $25 underwear.
Being on every pregnancy mailing list possible right now should somehow preclude me from receiving any ad with hot women. And at 9 months pregnant, while carrying an extra 25 pounds and struggling to put one pant leg on at a time, trying on G-strings right now is up there on my to-do list with having an epidural needle wedged into my spine.
Don’t get me wrong. I do not dislike the store or anything. But until my granny panties no longer look like a twist-tie on a loaf of bread, no thanks.
However, if Victoria’s Secret could somehow figure out how to keep my boobs this size as they rear up to breastfeed, I would be ALL over that.
I hear you! You’d think with all the demographics those companies get, they could get it right. My mail complex is when I am clearly addressed wrong. How can I be a Mr. Jennifer when I am clearly Jenna. You can call me Ms. or Mrs. but anything else will make me mad, as well assuming my name is short for Jennifer. Oh, let me also mention that my father-in-law sent us something in the mail last week, and he wrote “Jennifer” on the envelope. Not quite sure how to bring that one up with him.
Jenna´s last blog ..Perfection
March 4th, 2010 at 7:28 pm
Hahahahaha. You as a blond is one of the most fantastic things I’ve seen today! I GUARANTEE Daddisodes won’t even know what to DO w/you when you buy it. DO IT. DO IT.
Jameil´s last blog ..An Auspicious Day
March 4th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
You are so funny : )
Black card! Get out of the city. I don’t get those applications. They must know I am poor. I also don’t get the victoria secret catalogs. I just want to take a minute to THANK THE LORD I don’t get those as they would depress me for days.
Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..Where there is hope
March 4th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
Rear up to breastfeed…heeheehaahaaa!!!
I started getting AARP stuff in the mail when I turned 32…how old do they want me to feel???
Cecily R´s last blog ..Photo Story Friday and The Beauty Detour
March 4th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
HAHAHAHAHA! I laughed out loud while reading this.
March 4th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Consider yourself lucky. VS doesn’t even bother to mail me stuff. I am in frump-world, and I’m never comin’ out.
Carrie´s last blog ..How can these people possibly be having sex?
March 4th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
Ha! “But until my granny panties no longer look like a twist-tie on a loaf of bread, no thanks.” – that’s awesome.
jenny´s last blog ..photo story friday
March 4th, 2010 at 9:31 pm
Well, if they think you are that hot, then why not? ;-P
ceemee´s last blog ..See Alice in Wonderland Again
March 4th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Hubby’s turning 50. He just got his AARP application in the mail.
The Mother´s last blog ..I’m Confused…
March 4th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
LOLOLOL, I say you buy the wig and wear it around you husband as though there is nothing wrong…just to see the look on his face!
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..Six Tricks
March 4th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
My 6 year old said to me today, “When I’m 60 will I have lots of crinkles? Like you do?”
Ruby´s last blog ..Torn & Twisted
March 4th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
…a twist-tie on a loaf of bread. HA HA HA! Laughing WITH you of course. I love this post.
Amelia Thompson´s last blog ..A Two Month Old Baby
March 5th, 2010 at 12:00 am
Sandy..you are so hilarious!!
Alicia´s last blog ..FRIDAY PHOTO FLASHBACK
March 5th, 2010 at 12:45 am
That’s funny — I was just thinking about mailing lists the other day. I actually find it eery how customized my mail has become.
But once in a while something comes out of left field — like the transgender themed catalog.
Maybe there’s another Chris Thornblad out there….
March 5th, 2010 at 12:46 am
Oh the “grannie panty” line had me rolling!
Carrie Keiser´s last blog ..Foto Story Friday #91–Snow fun
March 5th, 2010 at 1:02 am
oh my gosh! i just saw that VS commercial last night. “a body for everybody” is what they said at the end, showing a handful of “different” looking (a.k.a. different races) models in various lingerie. yeah, right. a body for everybody as long as you’re tall and skinny.
and you make me look forward to turning 30. can’t wait for that wig catalog to come in the mail
prasti´s last blog ..a special outing
March 5th, 2010 at 9:30 am
You always have me laughing. This post is too perfect! And the picture “in” the wig is SO funny!
Kelli@GohnCrazy´s last blog ..365 – Week Nine
March 5th, 2010 at 10:48 am
This was too funny! Hang in there! You will get your body back soon!
MomOf4´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – I’m Gonna Getcha!
March 5th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Not sure why it thinks my last post is my WW post. Here is my Photo Story Friday post: http://momofonetwothree.blogspot.com/2010/03/photo-story-friday-princesss-big.html
MomOf4´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – I’m Gonna Getcha!
March 5th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Oh man! Really! That’s just wrong. But, maybe they’re just confident you’ll bounce back from that beautiful, rounded, human incubator form of yours in record time…and order yourself a pair of eensy-weensy, teeny-weeny black polka dot bikini bottoms. And a push-up bra, to match.
You’re beautiful in all your rounded, incubator-ness. And that cover-girl isn’t really THAT hot, anyway. (Right…she’s hotter, but never mind that).
Lisa
Lisa´s last blog ..sous chef
March 5th, 2010 at 11:17 am
You are one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out!!
And I loves my Grannie Jannie Panties!!
xoxo
March 5th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Back in the days when I would have felt comfortable being a dirty old man around you, I would have considered this post as fodder for much “dirty old man”-ing.
Thank God I’ve grown up a little and now I know better (than to put it into print).
lceel´s last blog ..Friday Haiku – Spring Super ‘Ku
March 5th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Just send those to someone who has adolescent boys about to go through puberty. It’s who they’re made for I believe.
So in that catalog do they have the VS collagen injection or botox? As well as the self-airbrush kit? They totally should, you know, for the real world.
Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Ahhh…what to do?
March 5th, 2010 at 11:57 am
You know they photoshop those models so they look inhumanly thin, right? Victoria’s Secret no longer sends to me, ever since I wrote to them saying not to send their catalog until it included something in my size — and my size is only a 16!
Speaking of complexes, I don’t get much mail order junk, but my email is filled with people who believe that I have a penis and that it desperately needs help.
March 5th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
In my not-nine month pregnant, have a 17 month old daughter, I don’t want those showing up with the “I love my body” stuff on them. Way to make me feel like a cow.
But, if my boobs could go back to the way they were approximately 17 months ago, total awesomeness!
Oh, the flip side, I bet in approximately 2 months, you will be looking good and ready for that hotness.
Krystyn´s last blog ..Rock, Rhythm and Rhyme’s Color Songs Review and Giveaway
March 5th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
You just mentioned the one good side effect of pregnancy. Hope it lasts!
Asianmommy´s last blog ..Star Wars Mini Amigurumi
March 5th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I get all sorts of baby/parenting stuff via mail and email. It’s evil since I’d love to have a baby but SO can’t right now
MBonn´s last blog ..Safe to Eat Cookie Dough
March 5th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
LMAO
I started getting a complex when my facebook ads were popping up Acai Berry weight loss supplements Thanks for that.
Run DMT´s last blog ..A Sign of the Times
March 5th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
OMG…I’m laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. Thanks for making my day!!!
Mama in Suburbia´s last blog ..Nature’s Grim Reapers
March 5th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I LOVE it, a twist tie on a loaf of bread. You just made me laugh out loud in front of my computer literally. My co workers are probably wondering right about now.
After 2 pregnancies and a c section I can’t say I really like my body all that much either anymore. I probably won’t even have time for my body until my youngest hits kindergarten!
killlashandra´s last blog ..100 Steps of Walking
March 5th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
How did they get that picture of my butt? (in my minds eye at least, and isn’t that all that really matters).
March 5th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
ha ha! I remember getting those ads from Victoria’s Secret when I was pregnant too. I felt like they were taunting me.
March 5th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
LOL! Maybe they figured that you’ve used their products before…after all, you are pg!
I’m with you though…I’m not even pregnant and one of those freakin’ hot models is the last thing I want to look at. Way to make me feel fat.
Emily´s last blog ..PSF and simple lessons
March 5th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I’m sorry, I still can’t get over the bee stung lips on the model on the cover. WTF is that?
M@´s last blog ..Death At A Funeral movie
March 5th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
I think we may be on the same mailing lists! Although, I haven’t received a catalog for wigs yet.
Cascia @ Healthy Moms´s last blog ..Fitness for Moms and Moms-to-be. Review and Giveaway
March 5th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Sandy, u r so very funny!
Happy Friday!
I enjoy your humor.
jingle´s last blog ..Forever Friends Award and Poetry Award
March 5th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Amen.
Who wants to look at pretty, skinny girls when their pregnant??
My hubby thought it would be sexy to buy me undies from there the whole time I was pregnant as he always coincides a business trip with a visit to Vickies. I could have flogged him…WTF??? As if I would even want to try them on???
Dejoni´s last blog ..Dear Large Retail Pharmacy Store,
March 5th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Oh ! Dear ! You’re so funny !
Stéphanie´s last blog ..Coat
March 5th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Seriously – the slogan “I Love My Body” on top of a totally-unrealistic body anyway – not EXACTLY a way to make us all love our bodies and want to buy their stuff. Geez!
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity´s last blog ..Uncle Joe’s Tot Locker.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
I’m amazed at the list I get on as well..and it never ends I throw so much paper in the recycle bin, it’s such a waste..
Dorothy from grammoloyg
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..A kidnapping, a sensless killing: the System fails us again
March 5th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
They could sell their panties for quite a bit less if they stopped wasting money on sending me two catalogs every week!
Mama Zen´s last blog ..Ode To Spring
March 5th, 2010 at 8:21 pm
First, LOL about the blond wig. Great post about the catolog and YIKES I just received formula in the mail! I DON’T NEED it. Hey even if they thought I did I don’t and I just don’t I’m too busy with the one!!!!
Marie´s last blog ..There’s More to Our Story
March 5th, 2010 at 9:25 pm
But what if you had an arse like that at 40 weeks? Ouch! You could never sit down!
March 5th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
It never fails to amaze me how off-target some of this direct mail stuff is at times! We get these strange catalogs at times and I wonder “How in the world did we get on this list?”
Jenners´s last blog ..Goal Update 2
March 6th, 2010 at 12:11 am
I love your descriptions. The granny pants cracked me up!
Jientje´s last blog ..Friday’s Fave Five, First Signs of Spring
March 6th, 2010 at 2:47 am
you are so hilarious! i received a little package in the mail which made me wonder if it was a sign from God to have a third – free baby formula. gulp.
taraneh´s last blog ..My Husband is a Rock Star
March 6th, 2010 at 8:23 am
LOL! you had me laughing at this entry! yeah, we get some weird catalogs in the mail too. that asian women in the blond wig is kinda scary.
Jeanne´s last blog ..Loads Of Excitement!
March 6th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Oh my … you are so funny!!! I love the way you weave such photo tales into fun to read blog posts
Hugs and blessings,
Happily Retired Gal´s last blog ..Weekend Multi-tasking …
March 6th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
I KNOW! I received so many VS mags when I was preggers. What is up with that???
Also, I LOVE my boobs right now. I SO wish they would stay like this.
Kat´s last blog ..Playing Catch Up
March 6th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
That just doesn’t seem fair.
Tara R.´s last blog ..Back to the beach
March 6th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
I counted…I snorted three times while reading this post! Put that catalog in recycling! A new one will be out before you know it and you’ll be ready to shop!
Karin aka perpstu´s last blog ..Snow, Snow, Snow…But Not For Me
March 6th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
LMAO!!!
Nap Warden´s last blog ..Oh My Ever Lovin’ Lord!
March 7th, 2010 at 1:02 am
I am getting my husband a retirement village flyer for his birthday.
Thanks for the tip!
LOLZ
March 7th, 2010 at 7:15 am
http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/it-rained-awards-special-award-from-william-and-viola/
Happy Sunday!
take care,
Keep smiling!
jingle´s last blog ..It Rained Awards (Special Award From William and Viola)
March 7th, 2010 at 11:28 am
totally laughing with you. : )
savvy gal´s last blog ..Show & Tell Friday: Fendi Peek-A-Boo, Sonia Rykiel Dress, and Homemade Cookies
March 7th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
LOL!!! OMG, Sandy! This post had me laughing so hard that I was in tears! You have such a wonderful way of writing and making us laugh. Love it!
C´s last blog ..It’s A Very Sad Day…
March 8th, 2010 at 12:25 am
Twist-Tie on a loaf of bread!! LOVE IT!! I’m sure you (and your “hot mess”) are just fine girly!!
Grandy´s last blog ..You Didn’t Just GO There?
March 8th, 2010 at 3:37 am
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March 8th, 2010 at 5:24 am
I’m so with you on the breastfeeding boobs. That was my favorite part of pregnancy, and the first time I ever really had cleavage.
I don’t like the VS catalogs, pregnant or not. I love their products, but those models are just so unrealistic. It’s enough to make even this skinny girl feel unattractive and fat.
Allison´s last blog ..Flax Seed Bread, Whole Wheat and Wheat Germ Bread
March 8th, 2010 at 9:49 am
LOL I got a Hoverround ad in the mail… Should I be worried??
Elaine B.´s last blog ..Little Black Dress Stationery
March 8th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
In the words of Jeff Foxworthy…it seems to me that Victoria doesn’t have very many secrets left….
If my body looked like THAT, I’d love it too. Unfortunately I’m staring down the pipeline of P90x.
Undercover Princess´s last blog ..Heee….
March 8th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Dude. I’m so sending you one of those bath re-modeling catalogs so you don’t slip and break your hip.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Dorks Unite! (Part Deux)
March 8th, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Love this post! You are a hoot!
Nominated you for a Creative Blogger Award, Sandy. You are definitely creative! xo
C´s last blog ..Conversations With Moms: Part Deux
March 9th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Too funny and soooooo true! About four months ago I received a letter congratulating me on my pregnancy. A few days after that I started received a complimentary subscription to American Baby magazine. And also since that letter I receive diaper/formula/baby wipe samples in the mail. I’m 46 and have already been through menopause. Unless they know something I don’t – I’m not having another baby in THIS lifetime.
Jane´s last blog ..Hey, I Can Do That! Or Can I? Wait. Scratch That…Or Will I?
March 9th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
That is hilarious! You are too funny.
Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..The Cruise and the Plan
March 9th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
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March 11th, 2010 at 11:18 pm