It is hard to not feel at fault, like a failure.  When it is my body that fails every month.

The body that is expected to ovulate, but ignores all attempts to conceive, and moves right along to the wonderful world of PMS.

When every six months, my gynecologist (along with an audience) stares, pokes, and tears away at my nether regions, only to discover that my body is unable to fight off harmful cells.Yesterday afternoon, Babisodes had a playdate with another little girl while her mother (a friend) went to an appointment.  It was a much anticipated event, as my daughter has an insatiable hunger for companionship.  After 2 hours of watching the two girls prance in Disney Princess crowns and gowns, the phone rang.  A nurse from my gynecologist’s office relayed the results from my biopsy last week.

More high grade cells.  Another LEEP will be needed.

Trying to conceive will be put on hold yet again. Pushing us well over the 12-month mark.

Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang.  My friend arrived to pick-up her daughter.  A peaceful grin grew along her lips as her daughter ran into her arms. As we waved our goodbyes, she relayed the exciting news of her growing belly.

Alas, Babisodes’ last singleton playmate will no longer be.  Another stone tossed into our stagnant waters.

Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine.  I see a tall, lush tree with an elongated, horizontal branch. I could lie down and curl up beneath its dense layer of leaves.  It is a place that consumes me, a place that hides me; I am shielded from my guilt, my shame, and my sorrow.

But only for a while.

I have not told anyone my results yet.  Not even Dadisodes. His business trip seems to be going well and he sounds hopeful for work.

But my heavy heart strains to raise a crooked smile this week. I long to be enveloped and sent away. No need for my dark cloud to cast shadows upon anyone’s green pastures.

Just mine.

Right here.

Where my mind wanders off to the place where no one can find me.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 26th, 2009 at 10:04 pm and is filed under Coping, Daily, Trying to conceive. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.