My apologies to Mother Abbess. I cannot climb ev’ry mountain.
It is all starting to set in.
I’ve fought my way through over and over again, but not this time. I just can’t do it. I feel like I have reached the end of my rope, and want nothing more than to just let go. Close my eyes, and fall.
Every month, the journey is the same. At the base of a steep, rocky cliff, I stand and peer up. Far ahead in the skies is a wide plateau. A space bathed in soft clouds and warm, sunny skies. It looks tiny from where I am, but I can see it if my eyes barely squint closed. In my hands is a thick, heavy rope. My palms are blistered, callused, and raw from my many attempts to pull myself up. Every few weeks, my body and mind wraps itself around the same line, tugging and pulling with all it’s might, grasping at every chance to feel that place in the sky I can only see. A place I visited once before a few years ago. A place I find myself hanging off the edge of every month. My fingertips reaching only a few inches shy, just before the heavy line unravels and falls.
Today marks our twelfth failed attempt in our journey in trying to conceive. These last few weeks were our last shot in becoming pregnant before meeting with my doctor. This Friday we will discuss the barrage of tests to determine why have not yet conceived. In my mind, the outcomes of these tests only present two possible outcomes. Neither of which sound appealing:
1) Something is wrong-With me, or my husband. Neither scenario sounds great or hopeful. Especially since fertility treatment is not an option.
2) Nothing is wrong- Great, but how much longer will we have to keep living like this?
More importantly, how much longer will my other medical condition hold out? My guess is not long. Especially since my follow up appointment to monitor my high grade cells is only a few more weeks away. And if there are any changes, well, any chance at climbing that mountain again will likely be lost for good.
So right now, I’m not in a good place. With the impending appointment this week, I feel as if it will only confirm that this is my dead end. Part of me already began mentally preparing last week. When I finally ventured back into our attic and garage to weed through my daughter’s old belongings. I’ve already sold 2 strollers and a tricycle, and made four huge donations of children’s clothing and toys. I almost wish a truck could back up into our driveway, and haul away all of the boxes and containers stored in this house to someone who actually needs them. Remove all evidence of hope. Because each mismatched baby sock, every stained burp cloth, is a constant reminder of what could have been, but never will.
As for what comes next, I don’t know. I’m finding it tough to pick up and approach anything again. The constant questions of “Are you going back to work?” and “Are you going to have another kid soon?” are not helping.
I’m finding this to be my biggest fear. The “What if?”
Now that I have run out of rope with nowhere to go, how do I gain the courage to let go? To just close my eyes and trust that wherever the wind takes me, I will be okay.
I’m not there yet, but every part of me wants to be.
I’m still holding on. Just for a little while.
And where I will go from here is still yet to be determined.
oh honey. big hugs to you! i’m so sorry that you are going through this.
xoxo
melissa’s last blog post..The Toads Are Back And Hornier Than Ever…
April 20th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
(hugs) I don’t know what to say to replace the sadness with hope and positivity…except that I am sorry you are going through this and that my heart and wishes that it happens for you are out there.
NYCity Mama’s last blog post..Children’s Carnival, Queens County Farm
April 20th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
(((HUGS))) I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. I wish there were so many factors of this situation that were different. Really; I do. But don’t give up hope! It can happen; it has happened. To many people. (((HUGS)))
Jac’s last blog post..I had rather be on my farm than be emperor of the world.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I’m so sorry you are going through all this. I know that life is sometimes so unfair it hurts. Dig in those feet and hold on. Hugs.
MrsDesperate’s last blog post..Out to lunch
April 20th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Oh Sandy. I’m mentally hugging you, all of you RIGHT now.
Miss’s last blog post..Portrait of a Young Woman
April 20th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Keep the faith. Things might get better. We’ll all keep our fingers crossed for you.
The Mother’s last blog post..Alcohol Awareness, The Mother Style
April 20th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
Asianmommy’s last blog post..The Little Travelers: Japan
April 20th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Awwwww…
no words really. Just hugs.
Jenners’s last blog post..5 Things I Wouldn’t Know or Do Without The Little One
April 20th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I’ve been where you are…well, part of it. Sort of. A little different, yet the same hopelessness – but sweetie, no matter how hopeless you FEEL, not all hope is lost.
I can’t say what’s in the cards for you, nobody can. But, you know…sometimes there can be something holding us back from having children and sometimes that thing can be so small. Sometimes our systems may need a little jumpstart from a little pill or herbal supplement, sometimes it’s stress, sometimes it’s just a simple (or not so simple) arrangement between timing and positioning and yeh…you get it.
We went beyond 12 months, and I honestly was ready to give everything up. I thought I’d never get ONE baby…at all. Not to mention we were a military family and adopting was out of reach for us.
I KNOW you are wanting something to cling to, to steady yourself. Something you can actually count on, something you understand, and something that isn’t so… questionable. But, right now maybe you’ll just have to breathe in and breathe out and focus on what you do have. The rest will come to you. Your hopes and dreams won’t float away unless you let them go…They may change a little or you may have to find a different course, but only you can let them go.
Love you.
Ashley’s last blog post..Review: Moby Mini Wrap
April 20th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Wishing I could just reach through my computer to give you a hug. My heart is aching for you.
Tiffany @ Paging Doctor Mommy’s last blog post..Clearly I’ve Lost My Mind
April 20th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
God has a plan and sometimes we dont understand it, but at the end it all works out. HUGS!!!
Leidy’s last blog post..Just another Monday
April 20th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
I like to think that things work out “the way they are supposed to” for each of us, a way that might really suck at the time but then in retrospect, we think it probably was better than what we would have done or planned had it been left up to us. But I’m not god’s right-hand lady, so what do I know? It makes me feel better to think this, though.
I wish peace of mind and heart for you.
Carrie’s last blog post..Petulant
April 20th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I wish I could say something eloquent and inspiring. Something that would comfort you. Just know that however you feel, you are not alone. Don’t lose hope.
Cara’s last blog post..Rearranging The Furniture
April 20th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
i’m really sorry that you’re going through this. i don’t have kids and am not trying to have them right now, but can only imagine the frustration and heartache you’re feeling. hang in there!
hazel’s last blog post..Photo Meme.
April 20th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
{{{Huge hugs}}}
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Holding on to hope
April 20th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Want a brownie?
And a hug?
I will share both with you.
And a few tears.
April 20th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
My dear, sweet Sandy. HUG. HUG. HUG.
lceel’s last blog post..That ‘Doh!’ Moment
April 20th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I’m sorry that you have this awful problem hanging over you and your family. I will continue to pray for you!
April 20th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Oh, gosh! Sandy, I’m sending big hugs over to you. Your post made me cry! I told you before that it took us fifteen months to conceive and we finally resigned ourselves to the thought that we may have to take other steps to becoming parents. We adopted the “if it’s meant to happen, it will” attitude. I won’t lie…it was hard, emotional, draining and there were lots of tears. Okay, I was miserable. We ended up going to the Dominican Republic for a week and soon after we returned, I was pregnant.
Sending lots of hugs your way. Gah…I can’t stop crying!
I have something for you on my blog, btw! xoxo
C’s last blog post..Something Sweet…and Something Long Overdue
April 20th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
try not to think about it and let it happened naturally. some ppl take 2 yrs to try for 2nd one. u had ur first bb, so am sure there is nothing wrong with u or hubby. u need a break. go somewhere with hubby and try making babies there.
good luck and take care
wen’s last blog post..My Own New Header Design Now
April 20th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
I understand what you are going through. We had similar issues while trying to conceive our second child. I was so stressed out just like it sounds like you are. Finally we decided to get away and try not to think about it. We sent our daughter to her grandparents’ and did just that. My husband and I were able to relax, destress and that weekend after nearly 3 long years of trying to conceive we became pregnant. Well I found out I was pregnant about three weeks later but we determined that it happened that weekend. So you never know. Don’t give up hope just yet, but don’t think about it so much that it controls your life. And if for some reason the Lord doesn’t want you to have another baby you can always look into adoption. Just my thoughts. Hang in there!
Cascia @ Healthy Moms’s last blog post..Help Support Your Child’s Immune System with Sinupret For Kids
April 20th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
So sorry that you’re going through this….it royally sucks. Praying for you…
Emily’s last blog post..smiling babies are the best!
April 20th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Oh, Sandy I hate that you are going through this. I am praying for you. I also wanted to let you know about an awesome book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It really does have some useful info.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Reproductive/dp/0060937645/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240281082&sr=1-1
Hugs!
~Sassy
April 20th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
No words….just lots of love….and thoughts….and prayers.
Sharon’s last blog post..I Love You *THIS* Much!
April 20th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I am so sorry – I really don’t know what to say. I know I have told you before that it took us a long time for number 2 – they are almost five years apart and I wanted them 3 years apart. I went through the old – why am I saving this stuff in the attic too – and gave alot of it away. The stuff is the easy part but it is hard not knowing – I wanted to know, will it be one child or two?? hang in there!
by the way I enjoyed your analogy and your writing as always.
Elle’s last blog post..Our Dog Loves Hunting For Eggs Too…
April 20th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this trouble! Sending many hugs! And a delicious flan. Everyone needs a good flan!
Tea’s last blog post..Bicycles
April 20th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Thanks for the reply. Also know that if you ever need to email–please do. I don’t have a brownie to share…Sacher torte? M&Ms? Easter jelly beans?
BIG hug, virtual friend.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
I am sorry you are going through this and it’s sad to say I have heard many similar stories in my life with my friends. In my humble opinion, letting go is the only way to go.
You conceived before. You will conceive again. It seems certain.
Lee of MWOB’s last blog post..The Numbers Game: In the Blogsophere, On Twitter, and in Life.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:03 am
NO not the cigerett. I wish I could take you pain and replace it with peace. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and rock you. I wish I could be there and not just another well wisher here. My heart aches and I try not to cry as I say a prayer for you. Know I’m lurking out here caring very much — my love to you — my sweet friend who is like a daughter.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:05 am
You are amazing and beautiful!! You are sweet to share this with us, as we experience just a hint of it with you. Somehow I wish I could make you feel un-alone in all this. Sending super duper hugs your way!!
Grandy’s last blog post..Note To Self-isms – LOVE OUR BOYS
April 21st, 2009 at 12:27 am
Here’s a big hug from California!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alicia’s last blog post..MAKING YOUR HOME SING MONDAY
April 21st, 2009 at 12:29 am
Oh how much that sucks, Sandy. I’ve been in a similar boat on slightly different waters, and my heart aches for you. There is still hope, and I’m hoping for good news soon. Or even just a very pleasant surprise. Hugs, hugs and hugs.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Haiku Friday 4/17/09
April 21st, 2009 at 1:14 am
those people asking those questions are BANISHED from all things fun. ugh. ehug.
jameil’s last blog post..Crazy Movie Lady 13
April 21st, 2009 at 1:21 am
Yes, eHug! I like that. I wish there were something I could say to help, but I’m at a loss. Just know that I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Melissa’s last blog post..A rare photo
April 21st, 2009 at 1:47 am
When certain things are beyond our control, preparing for whichever way the wind blows is the only thing to do. Hugs from the other side of the world, Sandy.
katcarneo’s last blog post..Hero
April 21st, 2009 at 3:32 am
Och sweety, (((huge hugs))). I can only echo what all the others have said.
Sending you lots of love from across the pond. xx
Marylin’s last blog post..Photohunt: Purple
April 21st, 2009 at 4:55 am
Keeping you in my thoughts. Have they ever checked your folic acid levels? I’ve heard so many people have this small issue that affects conception. I sure hope they figure it out for you quickly. And when they do, you can stop worrying and focus on happiness.
sheila’s last blog post..Exploring the Metroparks
April 21st, 2009 at 6:47 am
Everything will be alright. Hang in there and hang onto God’s love and promises. Sarah, Abraham’s wife still conceived, right? And she was waaaaay older that you.
Maybe that baby will be conceived in Florida…
ceemee’s last blog post..Should I Go? Or Should I Go?
April 21st, 2009 at 7:14 am
Man. You have such a way of putting your feelings that I get it and I feel for you. It’s so hard to want something so badly and not be able to make it happen – right now. I’ve heard so many stories of people who have gone through similar situations and the MOMENT they found peace with the “what if” and relaxed, the became pregnant. Try to find that peace within. I’m thinking of you.
Christie’s last blog post..I Thought You Were A Mom
April 21st, 2009 at 7:27 am
Oh! I’m so sorry to hear about this heartache you’ve had to endure. I can’t even imagine how difficult it’s been. Especially with your other health concerns.
Let’s hope we hear some kind of good news on Friday. ((hugs))
Kelly’s last blog post..Photohunt: Purple
April 21st, 2009 at 8:13 am
I’m sorry, I know it all sucks. A lot.
But, if there is something wrong with you or Dadisodes, there might be an easy fix. I have a few stories of friends who had problems and then the fix wasn’t bad at all and was actually less than a month long. I myself had problems with the third baby when the first two weren’t planned at all and I thought I was the queen of fertility. The problems with #3 were from endometriosis, which often times women have, and don’t know it b/c they don’t have any symptoms (pain).
But I know no matter how many hopeful stories and options there are, it still all sucks, and I’m so sorry to hear it. Good luck with it all!
April 21st, 2009 at 9:04 am
I tend to agree with Cascia. Everything I’ve heard about conception problems seems to indicate that stress is a major problem. I also think that letting out all your feelings of disappointment and grief would help a lot. After all, grieving won’t take away hope, though sometimes it feels like admitting the disappointment will make it permanent.
Whatever you do, I’m hoping for a great outcome.
Dot’s last blog post..Spring Has Sprung
April 21st, 2009 at 9:44 am
I have no words that will make you feel better, but I wish I did. No amount of saying that we struggled for a year and it happened once we’d given up is going to make it happen for you.
All I can do is give you big virtual hugs and keep you in my thoughts always!! So…((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) You’re always in my thoughts!!
Sarah’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Angel!!
April 21st, 2009 at 10:03 am
HUGS – there is a plan for all of us – a reason – however unclear right now – there is a reason for your pain and struggles – may it all work out for you.
Laura’s last blog post..Road Rage
April 21st, 2009 at 10:18 am
Not much I can say…I can only offer some virtual hugs and wish you all the Best!
April 21st, 2009 at 10:29 am
Hi Sandy, big HUGSSS for you… I couldn’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to go through anything like this. Please be strong and remember that you have a lot of friends and readers you are behind you 100%. You can create your own path no matter which way the wind blows. I strongly believe that you have whatever it takes to be able to do whatever you have decided. In the mean time, we will be praying and thinking about you!!!
-Amy @ The Q Family
Amy @ The Q Family’s last blog post..DC With Kids Day 3: Port Discovery Children’s Museum – Baltimore
April 21st, 2009 at 10:33 am
April 21st, 2009 at 11:34 am
Best of luck Sandy, I hope there is good information and good news when you meet with your Dr. I know how frustrating it is and as much we’d all like to just sit back, relax and let it happen, sometimes that just doesn’t work. More information is always better IMO.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:52 am
You bring back memories of the days when I was hoping for another child. It is very difficult when you cannot again do something you did without thought or effort the first time. My mom always swore my daughter was a matter of beginner’s luck. Whatever the reason, I’m very glad that she was more fertile than I. I have four beautiful grandchildren to love and adore. My time for climbing mountains is long past. I hope your efforts are more fruitful than mine.
Eve’s last blog post..Top Reader
April 21st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Don’t do it I say hypocritically as I have recently fell off the wagon and smoke again. My heart aches for you. I wish I could say something to make it better but I am at a loss for words. I wish you peace in your heart, answers to your prayers and courage for the journey ahead.
Dejoni’s last blog post..Wally World Etiquette
April 21st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Well, the “what if” is always scary. But at least it will give you a starting point. A place to start and make a plan of what your options are and what you want to do. I really feel like it will all work out.
I’m sorry for all your heartbreak.
Prayers for you, Sandy.
Kat’s last blog post..I’m Not Afraid!
April 21st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Hugs dear. Straight from the heart. And my very special good vibes.
You know, every time I throw stuff away, thinking I’m not going to need them any more, shortly after, I do need them. I hope it’s the same for you. Keep clearing out. You never know.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
HUGS! It took me two years before I got pregnant – hold out hope. You never know what’s in store for you.
wright’s last blog post..Photo Story Friday – Oreo Madness
April 21st, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I wish I knew what to say except hang in there. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. Wishing you better days to come
April 21st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
“…of what could have been, but never will.” C’mon, you’re better than that! Way stronger than that. God’s timing is always perfect and sometimes, we just have to let go so He can rescue us from drowning.
I’m guessing the mental pressure of consciously trying to is not helping you at all and stress as we all know is one great contraceptive!
More than anything I wish you good health, Babisodes need you…and so what if she can’t have a sibling too soon, family-sodes’ as perfect as it can be right now!
(((HUGS)))
April 21st, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Hi Sandi:
I am so sorry. It is hard to want something so badly and have it not happen.
I hope that things will work out for you the way that you want.
I still get sad sometimes that I will never have more than one child (and she’s almost 13) and then I have to focus my thoughts on how grateful I am to have a healthy daughter. It helps control the overwhelming sadness that takes over sometimes.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Aww that is tough… It took me over a year to conceive my first son. I do go for testing and so did hub. They found nothing “wrong” with either of us. I don’t know which was worse, not being able to have a baby or being told that I’m crazy because there is nothing wrong. I can’t tell you how happy I was when I finally got pregnant. I thought it would take as long to pregnant the second time, but nope. Got pregnant on the first shot. So now my kids are 20 months apart.
My sister has one baby who is 2.5 now. She’s been trying for a while for a second. You are not alone in this.
Cookie’s last blog post..Spring
April 21st, 2009 at 6:57 pm
ohh I am soooo sorry. I have a friend in the almost the exact situation you are. We were both pregnant together with our daughters together, our little girls were our first babies. We worked together so we spent the majority of our time together. We even changed jobs together. She had her little girl 2 months after I had my daughter. They have been trying to have a little brother or sister for their daughter for awhile. She took a preg test Monday and it was postitve. She made and appt with the Dr. since she had trouble in the past staying pregnant.
I got a text from her literally minutes ago that says she didn’t think this one was going to last. My heart breaks for her and for you. I can’t say I know what you are going through (having not gone through it myself), but I can say I can see what you are going through, through my friend.
Amanda’s last blog post..When the bad economic conditions hit home……
April 21st, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Oh Sandy, I get this, I’ve been there…don’t give up hope and please back away from the smokes!!! I know it’s exhausting, draining, and if anything I was even crazier to have #2, knowing what I had to go through for #1. Nuts, eh? So you know that I get this.
The one thing about having those tests, if there is something ‘fixable’ then it’s better to know and then you can plan from there. One step at a time, that’s all you can do. And remember, sometimes you need to take a ‘break’ from the concentrated babymaking
You’ve got a lot of friends thinking about you and hoping for you here, remember that. We’re here for you. You can DM me whenever you need too, ‘kay?
Hugs xoxo
Karen MEG’s last blog post..Playing with the cool kids
April 21st, 2009 at 8:56 pm
hugs, hon. xoxoxo
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Yo ho ho and a bottle of … something
April 21st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Do you read XBOX4NAPPYRASH?
Hey you. Hugs, prayers and dammit, I wish that I had the words, the wisdom, the answer.
But I don’t. all I have is my love across the web, my prayers…..
rachel-asouthernfairytale’s last blog post..This Sums It Up Nicely
April 21st, 2009 at 9:32 pm
*Hugs* Things WILL work out. Have that faith. And bask in the glow of your warm family.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Oh Sandy! (((HUGS))) I hope you are wrong. I hope you get news that will bring you hope when you go to your doctor’s appointment. I will keep everything crossed for you, but in the meantime I am sending you the tightest virtual hug I can.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
Hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish there something I could do for you . . .
Kimberly’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Four years ago
April 22nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
This is really a hard thing. I am sorry that you have to go through it. There is nothing that I can say to make it better. I wish I could wave a magic wand or something.
Christine’s last blog post..Procrastionation
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:33 pm
It took us two years for the first one, and although we haven’t started trying for a second one, I have no idea what to expect when we do. I remember those hundreds of pregnancy tests, thinking everything could be a sign that I finally was. . . and the disappointment when it wasn’t.
Keep your head up – as hard as it is, a lot of people do have to wait a year and they are completely normal with no issues. Sometimes it just takes time for God to make that perfect match for us!
Saying a prayer for you!
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life’s last blog post..A Rooty Tooty Itchy Chin.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Don’t ever stop believing, ever. Miracles happen every day. Let go of the control and let it be – in whatever directions life takes you. Saying lots of prayers for peace for you and your husband.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Oh, Sandy, I am sending hugs and sympathy. I know there is nothing a comment can do to fix this, but perhaps it will help to know that you have friends all over the country who are rooting for you, thinking of you, hoping for you, and generally on your side in every way possible.
MommyTime’s last blog post..It Also Means "having a diseased or run-down appearance"
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I so know where you are coming from…It took 18 tries (and two doctors) for Miss Peach. You just have to keep marching. It is so hard…{hugs}
Nap Warden’s last blog post..Poor Peach
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I’m so sorry you’re grappling with this doubt and worry. But I’ll have you know that every single mom I’ve known in the past two years who has given up their baby stuff got in the family way shortly there after. It’s how babies work, right? They have to cost as much as possible and drive women to fanatically shop.
*hugs*
Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Fantasticality
April 24th, 2009 at 3:22 am
Nothing to add. Just good vibes and hopes and prayers being sent your way.
patois’s last blog post..As Intriguing as a Well Written Death Notice
April 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I went to the fertility clinic last week and WAS pleasantly surprised by what they told me!
You will be as well I am sure!!
April 25th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
I know it’s rough but hang in there hun *hugs*
Jessi’s last blog post..Sometimes it takes a sledge hammer to…
April 28th, 2009 at 12:53 am