Not the gender post you would expect while expecting
I often ask myself if love is really enough. Despite some infamous catchy song lyrics, when I reflect upon my own life, I really don’t know.
Throughout the years I have been blogging here, there is one subject I have consistently avoided- Dadisodes’ family. While I am well aware that in-law relationships are delicate and are often times in need of repair, I have always felt that mine are far more challenging that most. But I usually keep it under wraps.
When Dadisodes and I met seven years ago, I never knew what I was getting into. I mean, who does when they initially meet someone? Perhaps it’s because I’m not one of those “love at first sight” believers. If it were true I would have been married to Kirk Cameron circa 1988. And it would have never worked. I am not far right enough to overthrow Darwin Day.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I fell in love with Dadisodes during a temporary nursing assignment in California. After a blissful year together, we got engaged.
Then… I met his family.
I nearly fled the country and went into hiding. The only problem was I lacked a passport and Mexico wasn’t far enough.
I am in no way exaggerating. Not in the slightest.
The first holiday meal we spent together, only half of his family members attended.
I still needed half a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes to make it through.
I think. Could have been more.
Dadisodes’ family is large and complex, with deep underlying issues that span generations. Few have managed to become remarkable individuals, likes Dadisodes, but most of them have not. He is one of many siblings, and is seemingly the lone survivor who made it into adulthood completely unscathed. He is incredibly strong and assertive, yet kind and understanding. No addictions. No psychological or behavioral issues. And no health struggles. Touch wood.
All along I’ve attributed his normalcy to the fact that he ran away from home at an early age and escaped the upbringing his siblings endured.
There are also very few men in his family. In fact, Dadisodes is the only male who can pass on the family name.
Perhaps these are just some of the reasons why I have been hoping for a boy.
Not because I didn’t think it would be wonderful for Babisodes to have a little sister to share her life with. Because I think it would be. So does she.
However, given our complex, twisted strings of female DNA, I thought that maybe, just maybe this child could cut through it all if it were a boy. Start life with better odds, like Dadisodes.
But this will not be the case.
We are having another baby girl.
Pregnant teens often sob heavy tears of uncertainty and fear. They hope against the odds that the unborn child will not repeat their same mistakes, that they will somehow break the cycle.
In seclusion, I silently weep the same tears, because no one would understand.
Tears that pile up in hopes that I will somehow manage to instill healthier ways in my two little girls. Terrified of whether I am capable of raising dignified young ladies with a strong sense of self-worth, stronger than the genes they’ve inherited. Including mine.
Nevertheless, I will love this baby, with all of my heart, for all of my life. She will need it just as much as her sister already has.
So despite my efforts to not string up my in-law dirty laundry for everyone to see, I felt compelled to finally to do so after many, many years. So I could be honest with myself. So I could be honest with my children who may one day read this. In case I am no longer here to tell them.
So they will fully understand how much I want for them, how much I hope for for them, and how much I love them.
And perhaps, if I am lucky enough, many many years from now, I can prove Lennon and McCartney’s words to be true.
All you need is love…love is all you need.
What a beautiful post! And yay!! A girl! A little sister! A beloved sweet baby girl. And now you can re-use all of the clothes you’ve saved from Babisodes.
Cara´s last blog ..Blindfolded.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:40 pm
I can relate to your post completely. Although, I’m not expecting each time I was I made a silent vow not to allow the drama that surrounds both mine and my husband’s family to creep into the lives of my children. We even contemplated creating our own last name when we got married to chart a new path for our newly formed family.
We all want better for our children especially if the past is a bit sordid and complicated. I’m thankful that my husband and I came out relatively normal and I’m glad your DH did as well. I only wish that sometimes we could chose our family.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I get this in ways I can’t even begin to explain. Though–my experience is different–I wept when I found out I was having a girl . . . not for the exact same reasons, but because I feared her falling into the same complex cycle of so many of the women in our family faced before her.
I also wept because I felt I completely GOT JR. My boy. My little man, so much like me, yet so much unlike me in all the ways that mattered. And now, with this girl, a piece of me has pulled from my body, found a soft spot in the ground, and has begun to grow.
I’m petrified.
Yet, strangely euphoric.
Though I have no clue what lies ahead, so many of my doubts, my fears fell into tiny pieces that I could simply tuck away the moment my eyes met hers.
I can’t wait for you to meet your daughter. I can’t wait . . . Babisodes will adore her. So will you. So will he.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Cara- It is quite nice to be able to re-use all of the stuff we’ve saved.
Jessica- You are so right. We all want better for our children, especially with our pasts. If only we could choose…
LaskiGal- Thank you for empathizing. I’m so glad you had a chance to stop by and comment since you’ve gone through this already. It certainly gives me hope. Thank you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Yay! A baby girl! How nice for your daughter to have a sister. However, I understand how you’re feeling, my mother-in-law wants nothing to do with my son. She only had boys and thinks they’re all good for nothing. In fact, she got my older daughter 2 birthday presents this year and him nothing. It breaks my heart. While my little guy has his share of issues, he is the most lovable and generous boy a person will meet. I am in your shoes and trying to prove that “all you need is love” too.
Joyce-Anne´s last blog ..A Meme
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 am
happy, loving homes work miracles. you can’t do anything about his family any more than he can. i’m glad the two of you and your family will be able to shower those little girls with abundant love.
Jameil´s last blog ..Monday Mindspacing Vol. 22
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 am
well we can pick our spouces,we cannot not pick the in-laws.Me I got lucky that I have a great lady to call my wife and have some great in-laws.Children,well that was not in the cards.
mike golch´s last blog ..Seeing is believing Post 1261
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 am
What a lovely post. I feel the same way about my in-law’s though they are very few. My husband left at an early age so I think like Daddysodes, he was spared from that kind of upbringing. However, there’s a part of me that’s scared – what if one day he becomes just like them?
Anyway, congratulations on having another baby girl. I wish someday, I could write a post like this (like I’m having another baby girl, that is).
One last thing about the in-laws – sometimes you can thank your lucky stars that you’re not living WITH them, that you don’t see them on a daily basis. That’s what I always tell myself.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 am
All you guys need is each other. And somehow? I don’t think you’re done yet. More babies coming, according to the Tarot cards.
lceel´s last blog ..Monday Meanders 11-2
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:31 am
Another baby girl! Little girls are so precious that it natural for moms to want to protect them from everything, even from our own families. That is quite hard to do, especially these days. I get anxious thinking about the future of my own daughter. But, all we could do is place them in God’s caring hands and shower them with all the love we could possibly give.
ceemee´s last blog ..A Call From God
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 am
Congrats on the baby girl…and best wishes for that tough family situation!
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..Toothpicks
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 am
How exciting that you will have two little girls! They can grow up together and tell eachother secrets, and share clothes… So much fun for them! Our children are the hope for a better future. Someone once said that, can’t remember who, but it is true. All parents hope their children will have better lives than they had. That they will make better decisions than they themselves made. I am sure your girls will turn out beautifully because you are such a dedicated mother.
Amy´s last blog ..What Happened When My Navel Moved Out
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 am
awww…. that’s soooo exciting!
the planet of janet´s last blog ..Everything’s up to date in Kansas City … or, uh, somewhere like that
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 am
First…congratulations on another baby girl!!
Thank God your husband was able to break away from that generational curse and be a healthy role model to your girls, and be a great husband to you!!
Alicia´s last blog ..GIRLS NIGHT OUT
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:17 am
Aw, another girl! A baby sister for Babisodes!
Nothing tops love. I think children know and feel the love.
Holly at Tropic of Mom´s last blog ..Fun with Jeeps and trucks
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 am
I have perfect faith that you will raise your girls to be strong independant women that you can be proud of. It might make you pull your hair out and grind your teeth at time, but you can do it.
All you need is love. And each other.
(Also, yay! Congratulations!)
Veronica´s last blog ..I caved and created the damn lists.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:29 am
Gah, independent*
Veronica´s last blog ..I caved and created the damn lists.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:31 am
Congratulations! Having two girls is so much fun! And your little girls already have a head start in life just because of you and Dadisodes! You are a wonderful mother!
Lauren´s last blog ..Harvest Festival Fun!
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:18 am
Congratulations!! I think that’s wonderful =) Cast away all your fears! I agree with almost everyone, all you need is love. All your girls need is love and I am sure they will get tons and tons and tons of it.
louann´s last blog ..Needing Your Advice
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Congratulations on your little girl!!
I understand the in-law drama completely; only from the standpoint that the insane, sick cycle comes from my family. Not hubby’s. And to be honest? My little sister and I are the lone sane females in the family. How? Because my father is NOT biologically part of my mom’s insane, messed up family. It only took one person, one kind heart, one strong will to break the cycle.
I love my mom’s family, for what they are. I don’t care to spend time with them. I don’t care to play into their drama. But, I appreciate that they are family, and by some miracle I am not like them.
Just like both of your beautiful girls will love and appreciate their father’s family. They have you to show them the way, to help them to be different. They will raise above the sick cycle that happens in families like this.
Jac @ Wuzzlemakesthree´s last blog ..Innocent until Mom knows your Guilty
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:30 am
Aww another lil girl! It is easier/cheaper with the clothes thing.
I felt the same when finding out Max was a boy. I had been so sure he would be a girl – the pregnancy had been entirely different. I was sad, but happy… I know you know what I mean.
If your girls grow up to be half the woman you are they’ll do you proud!
((huggles))
Marylin´s last blog ..Four year old up for adoption… free of charge.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Oh, man. Been there, done that, except with boys, and #4. I only cried for a day–I was so proud of myself.
Here’s what I finally decided–Karma (’cause I don’t have a supreme being to blame this on) decided that the world needed four great MEN, and it was my job to produce them, being the feminist wacko that I am.
Obviously, YOU are being charged to produce two great WOMEN. When they’re old enough, I have some really great guys I can introduce them to.
The Mother´s last blog ..Kids are Supposed to Fight
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:59 am
You and Dadisodes are seperate from your family. You are raising your children differently. They will not suffer the same afflictions. You are not doomed to repeat the same offenses. Especially since you are so aware.
Congratulations!!! I am so excited for you! And Babisodes must be thrilled! You have two very lucky little girls, you know.
Kat´s last blog ..Oh, October
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
Congratulations! I understand completely how you feel, but I think your two little girls are going to grow up to be wonderful, caring, bright young ladies. How could they not when it’s so obvious how loved they both are?
perpstu´s last blog ..Off and Running…ok, Walking…Tiptoeing Even
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:54 am
Congrats Sandy! Babisodes will have the best ever tea parties now! I can’t wait to see you brand new infant draped with a pink feather boa around her neck pushed up against the play table with a tea cup, and Babisodes’ huge smile of course.
)
Of course, I can understand your fears about a double dose of eye rolling in your future, but I am confident that you are strong and smart enough to outwit them both (right?).
I am so happy for all three of you!
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am
I so hear you on the in law family issues, I have similar concerns with my father’s side. Although I wish that it was only about gender. His mother’s side of the family and hence 4 sisters are beyond dsyfunctional and there all kinds of problems not to mention his mother’s issues with me. And there’s his Dad’s side of the family where at least the his brother and sisters on that side are easier to get along with. bah. It never ceases to amaze me how difficult some in laws make life.
I’m happy you’re having a girl. I have 2 boys and wished for a girl but that was not to be. I’m lucky I have my step daughter I think.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
That actually sounds a bit like my fathers side of the family with which we – thank goodness – have no connections whatsoever.
On my Mom’s side, weirdos too, but no contact – only my Mom and she’s ok…most times,…. at least to hubby
I never, personally, met anyone of hubby’s family.
I guess I am fortunate
Och, I am most certain that your girls will make it just fine.
Remember, girls are string anyway, and for some odd reason I am sure yours will be very strong.
Just look at your Baby girl. She’s doing well. She’s smart. She’s cute.
Quit worrying now
Hugs to all of you.
Nicole´s last blog ..Ice rink at Soho square, Naama bay in Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
First of all…Congratulations! I for one, have no doubt that this child will learn the ways of her parents and that will be good.
The next one will be a boy:)
Puna´s last blog ..iHeartfaces ~ Balloons
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Congrats on the second daughter news! I understand about your hopes and fears. I remember telling my husband, when going through fertility treatments, that maybe we should allow the fertility specialist to inseminate with male sperm, so we wouldn’t have any girls who would carry their mother’s fertility problems, to stop these defective genetics in their tracks.
But we had a girl, and I’m so glad, because I couldn’t imagine life without a daughter. And if she grows up to have the same issues as her mom, I will be there for her, to hug her and hold her and talk her through it.
And you are going to raise your babies right, in-laws or no.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Dialog, Part 27
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Curt & I don’t have babies yet, but I can relate to this post on SOOOOO many levels, my dear. I am so thrilled for you guys, I know you wanted a boy, but.. I think this is the right fit for you two, for now. And I’m with Lou– I bet there is room for one more on the horizon, down the road
xo
Heather´s last blog ..Comments For A Cause Finale & A Winner
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Sisters…precious. I really wanted Melody to have a sister. And I hear you w/ the crazy family. My in-laws are so far gone…
Emily´s last blog ..True Story Tuesday and I’m not talking about you
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Congratulations! Being a mommy of two girls is WONDERFUL!!!
So brave of you to write your post. Can I live vicariously through you? Not that I have problems with my inlaws – but there are definitely things I wish I could go public with but won’t. I feel a bit stifled at times because I REALLY REALLY want to be raw and honest and VENT! I love that you are able to do just that!
Sharon´s last blog ..Halloween Past – Present
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I totally get this post except, I have the crazy in-laws in my scenario! Thank goodness he still wanted to reproduce with me:-)
Susie’s Homemade´s last blog ..Tackling the Gift Closet
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I am a little envious, Sandy. Even though I adore my baby boy and am glad he will be close to his brother, I admit to having wanted another girl.
We do the best we can with what we have as parents, as people.
Carrie´s last blog ..Showin’ my ass
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I totally get what you’re saying, Sandy. And while you could say that I don’t know, I’d wager a large sum (if I had one) that you and the ladies are and will continue to be just fine. Remember that you always have the ability to make changes, but if you’re looking at the past, you miss out on the present, right? (like I should talk)
x
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On the shame
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Yay another girl
I would love to have a girl… and be surrounded by pink for a bit 
Jeanette´s last blog ..A hint of green
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I hear you on the in laws. My MIL is something I can’t even describe in one comment section. To give you a glimmer of her: the first time I met her, she told me she didn’t like cooking for her family; she didn’t say one word to me on our wedding day; and she missed the first two years of her grandson’s life because she didn’t want to apologize to us. She’s a piece of work…who doesn’t work..or rather does, but spends unwisely. Then she gets her parents and siblings to send her money. I could go on and on.
But like you, I am amazed that with that craziness in his upbringing, my hubs is nothing like them. Thank God!
We just had baby boy #2, and there’s a little part of me that’s sad, I did hope a little tiny bit for a girl, but God knows what’s best for our family, and he’s a wonderful addition!
Congrats on your little girl, and enjoy the pink and ruffles!
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Congratulations!!
You’re going to be a great mother of two girls, and you’ve already learned what all NOT to do. I know it’s scary – we have our fair share of family issues to make sure it doesn’t get passed on.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Yay!!! Babisodes will be a great big sis:) The second was WAY easier, in my experience. Relax and enjoy…
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Aweee, CONGRATS! And think of all the money you’ll save on clothes! Yea!
Don’t sweat the passing on the name thing…just ask the girls when they grow up to hyphenate their married names. Simple. Problem solved.
sheila´s last blog ..A real moving post
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
HOOOORAYYY!!! Baby girls are the greatest gift ever! I should know!
I can’t relate though to the in laws, as I love mine dearly. I guess that means my wife got the short end of the stick with mine. Hmmm…
Shower those girls with the Lennon/McCartney lyrics, especially those.
“There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done,
There’s nothing you can say that can’t be sung,
…
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
…
Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.
It’s Easy.
…Love is all you need”
Hockeyman´s last blog ..Father’s Day
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Congratulations on the baby girl!!! You’re a great mom and Dadisodes is a great dad. That’s all that matters. Babisodes and her sister are very lucky to have great parents like you guys!
Mama in Suburbia´s last blog ..Say it with flowers
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:34 pm
What a beautifully written, raw and honest post. I come from a dysfunctional family and my husband often marvels and how my sister and I seemed to escape with so little baggage. And now your sweet little Babisodes with have a sister! Your self reflection, strong marriage and evident love are going to raise two amazing little girls!
Jane´s last blog ..Why Can’t I Let It Be?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm
What a beautifully written post
Coach Cassandra Rae´s last blog ..From Stressed to Centered in 4 Seconds
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
What a precious hat for a sweet baby girl. Congratulations.
And I hear you on the in-law DNA. Trust me, I do.
Elaine´s last blog ..WW – The ‘Look Who’s Talking’ Version
November 4th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Wow I get this – the screwyness is on my side of the family and I have not yet really talked about it but it is there and while it is totally split between the gents and the gals – I constantly hope that our kids will all be fine and break the chain…that our love will be enough!
I hope that honesty will help. I hope that consistency will help. I just hope that they will be able to find all the joy that I have in life and not be bogged down by some of the family stuff.
As always, I love reading your posts and congrats on having another baby girl! We both have little princesses waiting to meet us!
November 4th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I can relate to your in-law drama. I have also avoided venting about my feelings about my in-laws on my blog. There’s just no nice way to share it and I fear it would only make matters worse. I commend you for finding a way to let it out without saying to much.
Congratulations on another girl! Sisters are awesome!
Run DMT´s last blog ..A Bootiful Masterpiece
November 4th, 2009 at 6:36 am
A girl, yay! We’re both having girls, I can’t believe it, that’s so cool. Where have I been the last two days? Under a rock / at work… So exciting, baby sister.
What a beautiful heartfelt post Sandy. I think so many of us can relate to it because so many of us have “those” kind of family members or in laws. But I firmly believe that it is how you are raised and NOT your blood that matters and will shine through. And you are going to have two very special, very wonderful and very loved little girls. Congrats!
November 4th, 2009 at 11:02 am
awesome post! I’m totally still on the fence with this issue. BUT if I were pregnant? I’d get it too. Nothin to mess with there.
I linked to you today.
sheila´s last blog ..Are You There God? It’s me, Sheila.The first time she said “I Hate You”
November 4th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Aww, sorry you didn’t get the chance to have a boy. That’s disappointing, but it sounds like you’re okay with it. As for “…string up my in-law dirty laundry,” you’re barely hinted at what problems are there.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I missed this post somehow. God must have felt you needed another girl and not the pressure for that little boy to carry his family’s name into better times and on to better things. So, it shall be up to the girls.
And they will succeed. With you as their mother, I feel certain they will.
November 4th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I love the way you write . . . I grew up in a crazy house with crazy people – I left the day after I graduated from high school and have NEVER looked back. I don’t have any contact with pretty much anyone in that crazy family. As an adult, I really don’t even consider that family mine. I am not like that and I never will be. A bunch of crazies, I want no part of. I will not allow my children to ever meet these people either.
BUT – two girl s- YEAH – 2 – TWO – TWICE the fun!! Sandy – it is ssssooooooooooooo much fun having two girls! AND you can always try for #3 and get your boy!!
November 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
She’s gonna be wonderful…just like her big sis and mama.
I just know it.
Carrie´s last blog ..Fear and Loathing in the Doctor’s Office
November 4th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
This will be a lovely, happy baby because she has you and Dadisodes as parents and Babisodes as a sister.
I’m sorry Dadisodes and you have had to go through the dysfunction that is his family, but again, you have your OWN family now.
Sending love to you and the little one growing inside.
Jen of a2eatwrite´s last blog ..Slow Food Huron Valley’s Local Harvest Cook-Off
November 4th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
happy *sigh*
I miss reading you. I love reading you.
I need to be better at reading.. but, it’s such a toss between the life and this…
It’s called organization, someday I’ll learn it. Until then, daily you are in my heart.. know that. pink bubbles and unicorn dreams xoxox
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..2 Kids, 2 Halloweens, 1 Costume
November 5th, 2009 at 12:35 am
I have absolutely no doubt in my heart that you will make an amazing role model for your daughters.
Congratulations!
Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..Love This Site Award Nominee
November 5th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I’m a little jealous. I have 2 boys and no girls. I’ll never get to have those precious mother daughter moments or pass on the girly secrets that my mother did with me. Maybe we can trade a boy for a girl
Cookie´s last blog ..Good Bye Soccer Season
November 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Sounds like your Dadisodes is something special … and just the type of person you want to have children with.
Jenners´s last blog ..Always…Sometimes…Never
November 11th, 2009 at 10:35 pm