Reading between the lines
Several years ago Dadisodes and I had an incident. It was before Babisodes came into the picture.
Living in absolute sin, Dadisodes and I shared an apartment in southern California. I had just decided to stay in San Diego for him, rather than continue with travel nursing. And after a yearlong courtship, still unwed and not engaged, my period was late.
<pause>
It would be important to mention here that at the time, I was still working in very acute neonatal intensive care units. Although I was dating someone seriously, I was still unsure as to whether or not children were going to be in my future. Especially since a normal infant in my eyes at the time was approximately 3-4 pounds and attached to life support. Not to mention the constant smell of burning flesh in the O.R. during cesarean sections was not doing much to sway me towards motherhood.
Just like any woman not trying to conceive and taking precautionary measures, I panicked. A lot. And then proceeded to empty the shelves of the pregnancy test aisle at CVS. Generic, early detection, fancy-overpriced name brand. You name it and I scooped it into my arms, dumped them into my car, and raced home at alarming speeds.
It is truly amazing how difficult it is to pee during times of crisis. And how slow three minutes can take to go by, pacing in front of a test.
Finally, there was only ONE pink line in the control section.
I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and then lowered the test back down towards the trashcan.
Wait. What’s that?
An ever so faint pink line shadowed alongside the dark pink one.
After several hours, it went unchanged. I called my gynecologist to schedule an appointment for a blood test to make sure.
Upon arrival, the nurse immediately gave me a similar urine pregnancy test to take. As she administered the drops of my urine onto the test strip, she immediately noticed two developing pink lines.
“Well,…*holds up round pregnancy calendar*…it looks like you’ll be having a May baby!”
My knees gave in and I nearly passed out. Luckily a chair sat behind me to catch my fall.
“Are you okay, Sandy?”
“Yeah,…um…can you check the test again to make sure. I got a faint pink line on my home test.”
“Let me see. Well…hmm…. you know,… you’re right. It is barely pink. We should really make sure.”
It turns out I was not actually pregnant. It was just a false alarm.
Trying to conceive over the last year or so, I still revisit that moment every month while taking a pregnancy test. Month after month, the negative test results have taken their toll. It has evolved into a state of panic in a thick, heavy cloud of uncertainty, stifling as my time frame for trying to conceive comes to a close, our options become fewer, and biopsies come back unchanged. Not even a glimmer of a pink line has presented itself.
Until yesterday…
With heavy signs of PMS (read: tender breasts, sugar cravings, water retention, mood swings), my past experience, and a years worth of failure, I am torn on how to interpret the test.
I fear latching onto this weak line of hope. Because this time, so much more lies behind it. I fear I am not strong enough to handle being letdown again.
Could this test be testing me?
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek
I’m hoping for you that those are two lines there. Hang in there. Hugs—the uncertainty must be so hard!
Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Zumba: It’s Not You, It’s Me
July 16th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
oh my freaking god!! sandy!!! yay!! that’s what happened to me. all three times. i had to stare at the tests to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me!! i’m seriously tearing up here for you!! oh honey!! i’m so so so so so happy for you. because yes, that is for real! i have 3 to prove it!!
melissa’s last blog post..Thoughtless Thursday. Today Is Thursday, Right?
July 16th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
and ps. that line is darker than mine were!!
melissa’s last blog post..Thoughtless Thursday. Today Is Thursday, Right?
July 16th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Two lines!?!?! That is awesome! Now I have a fabulous reason to party next week.
Tara R.’s last blog post..SkyWatch Friday ~ 10
July 16th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Yup. Yup. Tears. Ok since you aren’t sure, we are just going to stay positive and hope upon all hopes that this is the real thing. *big squishy hugs*
Miss’s last blog post..And that was that….
July 16th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
OMG! You are so brave to share this with everyone. I don’t even know what to say…I SOOO hope it’s real! xoxoxo
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..Let’s Talk About….Um…You Know….THAT.
July 16th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Oh wow! I’ll be crossing my fingers for you!
TeacherMommy’s last blog post..If You Need Me, You Might Want To Check With The Men In The White Coats
July 16th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Nope-It’s for real. Mine was that faint, too. Congratulations!
Mrs4444’s last blog post..A Thousand Words Thursday
July 16th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
I’m really really hoping that 2nd line is darker tomorrow when I’m sure you will take another test. They say those tests aren’t quantitative but I know from experience that the 2nd line will get darker and show up faster each day if you are indeed pregnant. I’m really hoping for you Sandy!!!
Melissa’s last blog post..Adelle is so lucky
July 16th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Wow! Even the barest hint of a line is supposed to be positive. Take another test! Fingers crossed for you.
annettek’s last blog post..If you aren’t going to BlogHer, well, I’m sorry for this
July 16th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I’m holding my breath and crossing my fingers for you.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..The Open Road
July 16th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
u gotta take another test i guess.. how far late are u from ur period due date? i hope its positive for u!!! except for that last false alarm, i believe God wont be cruel to u this time. i think u cld be pregnant! do let us know so i can party over here with gd news!!
wen’s last blog post..2 In 1 Chicken
July 16th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
A line is a line, as long as the line was within the time frame specified, right? My first pregnancy symptoms (after insomnia) were very PMS like, but more amplified (more painful cramps, breasts, mood swings, etc…). Keeping my fingers crossed those are the first symptoms for your second pregnancy!
Jenna’s last blog post..Abode
July 16th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I’m with everyone else who has said that two lines is two lines. I’m actually really surprised the test you took so many years ago was a false positive. False negatives are MUCH more common.
I also second the comment that you are so brave to share this. I wish you the very very best!
Sweet Em’s last blog post..Independence Day/Dependence Night
July 16th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I wish I knew what to say. What the world needs, more than anything else, are good children, raised by good parents. I have no doubt, you are a wonderful parent. I hope for that second line!
Chris’s last blog post..Photostory Friday: The Artist
July 16th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
I hope it’s what we all want it to be a BFP. I’m in a similiar boat right now. I’m a little late but don’t want to take the test and be dissapointed because I too have all the PMS signs. I’ll give it another couple of days and then we’ll see. Best of luck to you!
July 16th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Yay! I’m so glad the timing just fixed itself. For the record, mine was that light, if not lighter! I went through a couple of boxes in one week just to convince myself that I didn’t have a messed up test
Congratulations!
Ashley’s last blog post..One Chip, Two Chips
July 16th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Sandy…I’m praying for you, my friend!!!!!!!!!!!
Alicia’s last blog post..FRIDAY PHOTO FLASHBACK
July 16th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
OMG!! Sandy…keeping fingers and toes and everything else crossed!
I’ve been thinking of you this past week…and I was going to send you an e-mail saying I had a weird feeling you are…
I was also surprised about the false positive you had years ago too!
I’ve got a feeling, Sandy…and I’m going to be checking in on you (again and again) to see how things turn out!
Love and hugs! XO
Chrissy’s last blog post..Oh, It’s Not What You Think…
July 16th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
P.S. I just about fell out of my chair when I saw the photo you posted of the two lines!
Chrissy’s last blog post..Oh, It’s Not What You Think…
July 16th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Keeping the fingers crossed for you!
Sharon’s last blog post..PSF~Risky Busyness
July 17th, 2009 at 12:02 am
WOW SANDY!!!! Don’t keep us hanging — it could be dangerous for our health! Go, go, go, get it confirmed, oh my gosh, what a rush, I can’t imagine how you feel right now! Ruuuuuuuuuuuun
)
I’m hanging at the edge of seat, waiting and praying.
Carlen
July 17th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Oh, honey! My heart is seriously doing that happy/gitty beat for you!
Sending all positive vibes your way!
Angela’s last blog post..Sticky Cheeks
July 17th, 2009 at 12:19 am
I am praying that it is positive for you. What a wonderful mother you are to babisodes. I hope everything turns out for the best!
Amy’s last blog post..DIY Bathroom and Awards
July 17th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Crossing fingers!! I always waited until I was way late and both lines were dark (saving money on pregnancy test being the cheapskate). It does look promising though, because I know what no line looks like…
Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..PSF – Dova Gets her Zen On
July 17th, 2009 at 1:38 am
The unclear line always causes so much anxiety. Hope to hear the good news from you in a matter of days to come..
Agnes’s last blog post..Kathleen’s 11th Birthday
July 17th, 2009 at 2:05 am
I can fell how agonizing this is for you. Hoping and praying this is not a false positive. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Carrie Keiser’s last blog post..Foto Story Friday #58– take a little 1900+mile trip day 2
July 17th, 2009 at 2:35 am
My fingers are crossed for you!
Jeanette’s last blog post..Like sands in the hourglass…
July 17th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Hoping for the best for you, Sandy!
ceemee’s last blog post..Ask Rhino
July 17th, 2009 at 3:04 am
I have my fingers crossed for you!
jess (fushmush)’s last blog post..Project 52: Week 25
July 17th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Keeping everything crossed for you sweety! xx
Marylin’s last blog post..My beautiful baby boy
July 17th, 2009 at 4:34 am
All I have to say is that First Response tests are the best… and rarely give a false positive.. (unless you did hcg injections). And.. I think you’re pregnant, chica! I got chills when I saw that test..
July 17th, 2009 at 4:58 am
::hugs:: I’ll be thinking of you, whichever way things work out.
Allison’s last blog post..My Little (and Dirty) Scaredy Cat
July 17th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Praying for two dark lines!!!!
Beth (A Mom’s Life)’s last blog post..Ehhhhh….What’s up doc?
July 17th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Mine started out super light this time, too! Good luck Sweetie!
July 17th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Well – I guess I know one young lady who is going to stay stone, cold sober during BlogHer. Which is fine – that way you won’t miss anything.
lceel’s last blog post..Friday Haiku – Golf
July 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
with both of my pregnancies I had a very faint second line and now I havea 4 and 7 year old! Good luck Sandy, sending positive thoughts your way….
Leidy’s last blog post..Our trip to Baltimore
July 17th, 2009 at 7:58 am
YAY! As someone who always tests way early, that’s how they look!! Congrats!!
VHMPrincess’s last blog post..Dick’s Sporting Goods
July 17th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Crossing fingers, toes, legs, etc for you!! I’ve heard that when you are still brand newly pregnant sometimes the lines aren’t as clear because the pregnancy hormone isn’t that strong in your system yet. That is probably my terrible explanation for a medical reason, but that’s what I’m going with.
Cara’s last blog post..Shampoo and Cilantro
July 17th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Praying for you, Sandy! Good luck and I hope for the great result for you.
Amy @ The Q Family’s last blog post..Day Trip from Bangkok – Sri Racha Tiger Zoo
July 17th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Sandy, i truly hope it’s not just a false alarm!! You and Dadisodes really deserve this. I’ve got all of my crossable parts crossed for you!!
Jac’s last blog post..In the swimming pool…
July 17th, 2009 at 8:34 am
OMG! I’m so freaking happy for you!!! Everything is crossed for you
lis’s last blog post..Recipes..come check them out
July 17th, 2009 at 8:59 am
It sure looks pink to me.
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Cute Chinese Dim Sum
July 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Sending you lots of virtual hugs! It looks like two lines to me and in my experience those test are usually pretty accurate! praying, praying, praying…
Emily’s last blog post..PSF – baking cookies
July 17th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Oh my gosh Sandy, I’m praying that those two lines (faint as the one may be) turns out to be exactly what I think it is! I don’t think you’d have a fluke like that twice in a life. I think this time it’s real.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Oh, I so want that 2nd line to get darker!!! I will be praying for you! *hugs*
Lauren’s last blog post..PSF – Let Me Show You How
July 17th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I just keep hoping right along with you. I wish there was more I could do. At least I’ll get to hug you next week, either way, but I hope it’s in the good news kind of way.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..The Problem with Vague
July 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I have everything crossed for you Sandy. I am even going to braid my hair in the hopes that all of those extra criss crosses will help! (((HUGS)))
July 17th, 2009 at 10:40 am
My fingers are crossed for you!
Cafe Fashionista’s last blog post..New York State of Mind
July 17th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I’m rooting for your pee! That’s kind of weird, let me rephrase that.
Go go two lines!
Tea’s last blog post..Casual-Casual
July 17th, 2009 at 11:40 am
My fingers are crossed and tears in my eyes…I’m really hoping that this is it for you, Sandy. *hugs*
Sarah’s last blog post..Truncal Hypotonia-In Layman’s Terms
July 17th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I hope this is the news you’ve been waiting for!!! Keep us posted!
July 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
OMG…I’m crossing my fingers and toes for you. Good luck!!!
Mama in Suburbia’s last blog post..Aloha Friday #2
July 17th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Sandy, I’ve been waiting for MONTHS for a post like this. Thank goodness we met at blogher and I can officially stop feeling so weird for being irrational attached to your happiness. There are definitely two lines there. I declare it to be so!
(I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you and hoping to read that definitely pregnant within the next two weeks. We should go out for a celebratory…uh…cupcake once you know for sure!)
Mishi’s last blog post..All the crazies come out for midnight showings of Harry Potter
July 17th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
WOW!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!! Off to the fertility clinic for double assurance!
I’m so happy for you Sandy!
Tiaras’s last blog post..The Summer Home Tour Continues
July 17th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
*HUGS*
JamericanSpice’s last blog post..Aloha Friday#5: blog
July 17th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Keeping my fingers, and toes, crossed,
Employee No. 3699’s last blog post..Pre-BlogHer Post and Tim, Pick Me Pick Me…
July 17th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!!!
Nicole’s last blog post..Juvenile Marsh harrier flight show
July 17th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
It is SO RARE to get a false positive. SO RARE.
Praying and hoping that when you take that test again tomorrow that second line will be bright and obvious!
Kat’s last blog post..PSF- Honesty
July 17th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Oh wait! It IS tomorrow! I HOPE that line is still there!!!!!!!
Kat’s last blog post..PSF- Honesty
July 17th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I really really pray that this is it!! Thinking sticky thoughts!
Jeanette’s last blog post..Bad night at camera club
July 17th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Oh my goodness, that naughty non-committal line. I hope you get the results you are looking for.
Michelle’s last blog post..PSF – Designer Jeans!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Oh, the anticipation is a killer, isn’t it?!
Good luck
Ashlie- Mommycosm’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Back to my roots
July 17th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
OMG! Fingers, legs, toes – everything is crossed for you.
Kimberly’s last blog post..When is zero not really zero? When it describes your food.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Oh Dear! I do see it … I’m just hoping and hoping and hoping. Good luck.
Jenners’s last blog post..Bushy Eyebrows, Nerdiness and Reading: Getting to Know Grandpa
July 17th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
You know I’m rooting for two! C’mon two!
Nap Warden’s last blog post..Mooooo
July 17th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Oh! Oh, I’m holding my breath. Please let me know when I can breathe again. I so hope this means great news!
Holly at Tropic of Mom’s last blog post..Humbled
July 17th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
I hold out hope for you. I know the frustrations and the fear and the pain month after month, so I hope and pray for you!
Ryanne’s last blog post..Summer Time and the living is easy…Photo Story Friday
July 18th, 2009 at 1:38 am
Aaaaawwww, that’s GOOD news!!! I’m holding my breath, crossing my fingers (and my toes) and keeping thumbs up for you! BIG BIG hug, now I’m even more sad I won’t be able to see you next week!
July 18th, 2009 at 1:56 am
I think that that test? Has a darker line that the test that told me Isaac was on the way. Test again, lots and report back immediately. I have everything crossed SO HARD for you.
Veronica’s last blog post..Well now
July 18th, 2009 at 6:46 am
wow… i’m getting all emotional
jameil’s last blog post..Excited!
July 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
That looks like a good line to me!!!!!!!!!
July 18th, 2009 at 11:28 am
That one is hard to tell if it is positive or not. If I were you I’d wait another week. If you still haven’t gotten your period yet retake the test. I hope it is a positive one! Good luck!
Cascia @ Healthy Moms’s last blog post..Weekend Reflection #63 | Birthdays, Family and Fun
July 18th, 2009 at 11:42 am
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alana @ The Good Girl Gone Blog’s last blog post..Check her out!
July 18th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Oh I sure hope so!! I’ve been praying daily for it!! Can’t wait to find out!! But I totally know that awful feeling of a false alarm, also. I so hope that’s not it.
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life’s last blog post..Snowmen, Skinny Jeans, and Storms.
July 18th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Keeping my fingers crossed in irrational hope. Good luck.
The Mother’s last blog post..Hippocrates and the Hodos
July 18th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I’m sorry I’m so late posting on this one….things have been crazy. We went to the zoo today and blah-de-blah-de-blah!!! Who CARES! This is so exciting and I know you don’t know what to make of it now, but keep us updated (as I know you will) and I will pray it is what you want it to be!
Lisa (Jonny’s Mommy)’s last blog post..My dad is Mark Martin. . . er. . . sort of.
July 18th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
I’ve had lines like that! FOUR of them!
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Weekly Winners {MAKfest09 Edition, Part II)
July 19th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Will we learn more in Chicago?
July 19th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
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July 19th, 2009 at 11:48 pm