Refracting
I cannot help but feel a slight sense of urgency.
Not that kind of urgency. Well, actually, I frequently have that feeling of urgency too, but that is not what I am referring to.
Last night while flipping through prime time TV, I stumbled on the show Mercy (don’t worry, you do not need to know about the show). The main character, Veronica (a nurse), was standing in a patient’s room when his wife barged in and announced she was pregnant. Veronica had recently hoped to be pregnant, but blood tests proved that she was not.
I couldn’t help but recognize the look on her face when she overheard their news. Her sinking expression quickly followed by a forced smile.
I remember it all too well. Every emotion behind that crooked grin, and that abrupt inability to blink or breath.
Every heart-string pulled taught, and then let go.
I remember.
Though it may not appear so in my writing, this pregnancy has been passing by much quicker than I had hoped.
Perhaps those unhealed wounds from trying to conceive have blinded me all this time. Or maybe I am merely being superstitious. Whatever it may be, the reality is for the past seven months, I have avoided all preparations for the arrival of this child.
I have not done anything.
No potential names. No nursery set up. We do have not even have a car seat to take home the new baby from the hospital.
Perhaps I know too much or have seen too much; cognizant to the fragility of life.
Up until a few weeks ago, I knew my baby was not even viable. However, now that the baton to my final trimester is in hand, I cannot fight back the pressure to quicken my pace. But I am unsure if I’m ready to cross the finish line.
For over four years, my life has been so singularly focused on my role as a mother to Babisodes. Part of me wishes I could mosey along a bit more. Hold her hand for a few more laps before she becomes a big sister.
If only I had more time to savor these highlights in my life, before my focus scatters in a new world of chaos.
Just like those rays of light, though, it’s a beautiful chaos. And I’m excited for you!
Holly at Tropic of Mom´s last blog ..Sky and sea
January 7th, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Wishing you a very happy and healthy third trimester.
And there are definitely a mixture of emotions when you go from one to two babies, but believe me it’s wonderful and babisodes will love her little brother/sister (even when she doesn’t). 
Kelli@GohnCrazy´s last blog ..365 – Week One
January 8th, 2010 at 12:00 am
Gorgeous choice of pics, Sandy.
Love this. Giant hugs and many prayers to you for peace xoxoxo
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Challenging Myself
January 8th, 2010 at 12:03 am
Yes, enjoy the quiet moments while they last.
But watching Babisodes being a big sister will bring so much joy.
Asianmommy´s last blog ..Head & Hair (Mandarin)
January 8th, 2010 at 12:03 am
First of all, SUPER cool shots.
And secondly, were it not for the fact that I HATED being pregnant and just wanted it to end, I would have felt the exact same way when I was about to have Gracie (she and Isaac are four years apart too). I worried about him and how he would deal with it, and how I would deal with it. Could i love her as much as I loved him, etc. etc. But it all works the way it should. Babisodes will do great, you’ll do great and your heart will get bigger to add your newest in right next to the rest of the family.
Cecily R´s last blog ..Photo Story Friday and 14 Years
January 8th, 2010 at 12:21 am
Savor your last two months. You are prepared so much more this time around!
Angela at mommy bytes´s last blog ..Babies Love Nintendo DSes Too!
January 8th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Only 2 months left?! Have I been reading your blog for that long?!
Cookie´s last blog ..A Note
January 8th, 2010 at 12:39 am
Your writing is so beautiful. I love how you cradle life in your words – and right now in your belly :~)
Coach Cassandra Rae´s last blog ..Video: small moments lead to big results
January 8th, 2010 at 12:59 am
It is so wonderfully amazing how different life is with 2 instead of 1. Savor the peace you get now, and also enjoy the mess one kid leaves behind, that part doubles!
Great pics as usual!
Hockeyman´s last blog ..Yoda was a Genius
January 8th, 2010 at 1:02 am
“No potential names. No nursery set up. We do have not even have a car seat to take home the new baby from the hospital.”
Same for me.
Fear?
Hope?
So many emotions gripped me. And with it all was this throbbing urgency to spend as much time with JR as possible, to give him all of me before I had to split his share.
She’s here now.
I didn’t have to split anything. I only multiplied.
Laskigal´s last blog ..How to Rip Off a Label
January 8th, 2010 at 1:05 am
Oh I remember that all too well. I was terrified that Isaac just wouldn’t happen. After all, we’d tried for so long and then had a difficult pregnancy, surely I wouldn’t actually get a baby out of it? I think it took until he was 4-5 months old for me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Good luck with your final trimester!
Veronica´s last blog ..Growing up
January 8th, 2010 at 2:54 am
Love your visual images and your honesty when you write. So many people live life without ever really paying attention to much of anything but ‘distractions’ … I suspect you’ll figure it all out as you go along. The only advice I have to offer is … savor it all
Hugs and blessings,
storyteller´s last blog ..Sharing Monday’s Sunrise Surprise
January 8th, 2010 at 8:13 am
As a mother, it’s hard to ever let your guard down and stop worrying and protecting. But the best advice my mom ever gave me is: “it’s okay to be excited.” Let yourself look forward to that sweet sweet newborn stage!
As for the love of the first born, I think every mom worries and wonders how to love a second child as much, and let me tell you: it’s amazing. Your heart just expands right there at the first sight. It’s a wonderful feeling and I’m so happy for you to get to experience it soon!
January 8th, 2010 at 8:51 am
It’s normal and natural and things will never be the same once the baby is born. The cool thing is, it’s not nearly as scary as you think it’ll be.
Good luck.
M@´s last blog ..Almost…cut my…
January 8th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Soon mother of two! Cute! Congrats!
THANK YOU!
for supporting me in my struggle for achieving justice for my rights to my pictures. RESPECT!
January 8th, 2010 at 10:06 am
I avoided preparations for my last baby until the very end too. It is frightening to face the unknown. Enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy and having only one child. Life is about to get soooo much more chaotic! (in a good way!)
Lauren´s last blog ..PSF- We Are the Champions
January 8th, 2010 at 10:23 am
Gorgeous. I, too, have experience Veronica’s feeling, way too many times. But you’re right – life always goes quicker than we expect.
January 8th, 2010 at 10:54 am
You, and the baby, and Babisodes and Dadisodes are all going to be fine. This is what you wanted – what you prayed for – what you worked so hard for. And it’s coming close now. Hang in there. You and 2.0 are going to be just fine.
lceel´s last blog ..Loopy
January 8th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Fear?
Escaping reality by not preparing for your new baby’s arrival is cool, a car seat is probably 15 minutes’ drive away, imaging the Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, 3 months fly by, …8 weeks to go, you will be just great to know, everything will be there, greetings, blankets, and …
Enjoy A Refreshing Friday!
jingle´s last blog ..Pink Is Cute!
January 8th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Last night I thought Jonathan said he wanted a sibling. I panicked a bit. I’m not ready. I’m fat. I need to lose weight. I like my time with him, I….he was talking about his shadow and that there were two of him. He doesn’t want a sibling … yet.
Riiight. Just me worrying then.
You have the right perspective…slow down and take it all in. It’s going to be great!
January 8th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Sandy, the photos are genius! So beautiful
And did I ever tell you I LOVE how you start each of your posts, always some quick words to draw the reader right in — a super skill, if you ask me.
I imagine I’d be doing just as you are with a second baby on the way, you already know what to expect. You are in the flow. You are creating light. you ARE light.
Enjoy each moment, they are all precious.
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Funny Typos, “Like A Bord on A Wire,” 14
January 8th, 2010 at 3:34 pm
Change is a hard thing. I still don’t feel ready for my baby and she has been here for nearly two months now! You will be great. Just think of all the joy you have with Babisodes and multiply that. Lots of smiles and love to go around!
Amy´s last blog ..Bookstore Bliss
January 8th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
And a happy New Year to you! Don’t rush it, enjoy it…Your bump looks beautiful.
Puna´s last blog ..January 8, To Have And To Hold
January 8th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
What a beautiful post, and beautiful pictures to accompany it!! My thoughts have been with you..and I’m sure you’ll make it through with flying colors!!! (pardon the pun *G*)
Sarah´s last blog ..5-6-7/365
January 8th, 2010 at 6:04 pm
I totally get where you are coming from. Before you know it, you’ll be staring into the eyes of your precious newborn and though it will be hectic, it will be beautiful.
Maria @ Conversations with Moms´s last blog ..Friday Friday Top 5 Customer Issues over the Holiday
January 8th, 2010 at 6:15 pm
What a beautiful post! Makes one think, that’s for sure. Beautiful analogy.
Oh, but don’t worry, reality is gonna set in Reeeeeeal quick, lol.
sheila´s last blog ..Aloha Friday ~ 1040
January 8th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Oh yeah I know what you mean. After all that time is was hard to get my hopes up and realize that wow, a baby is really coming. But now, hooboy nesting in furious style. Though I wish my hubs would stop dragging his feet and commit to a name already. BC to me, that’s when it really feels real.
And if you want to really freak out, get one of those pregnancy tracker things that tells you how many days you have left, as in oh… 74. Yikes, so little time to get everything ready and perfect (ha ha).
January 8th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
That was beautiful and I think I know how you feel. Although I had no trouble getting pregnant, I had trouble carrying my pregnancies and I lived with a lot of fear until my children were born. So enjoy just being pregnant. Everything somehow gets done when the baby is born. People help and it happens.
Brenda´s last blog ..Fridays’s Fave Five
January 8th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
I am so excited for you, Sandy. I think that this is going to be so awesome for you. I am keeping my fingers crossed that you start to relax a little, and let yourself buy a couple of things for 2.0, or at least pick a NAME!
I love the photos, they are gorgeous.
xo
Heather´s last blog ..Only Fools Rush In
January 8th, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it. You got it. Now enjoy it.
The Mother´s last blog ..That’ll Teach ‘Em
January 8th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
If it makes you feel better, my husband and I didn’t have a name until 24 hours after Monkey Girl was born. Just thought I’d share that little known factoid.
Joyce-Anne´s last blog ..That Damn Tree
January 8th, 2010 at 8:05 pm
I’ve often wished for time to savor the beautiful moments of life, and have just as often realized that time is relentless.
So you look forward to the next one, because it is coming.
I hope you’re doing well.
January 8th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
With my anxiety, I am always, always, always feeling the way you do now.
But I have to say one of the best joys in my life are the moments when my children are playing together or hugging each other or talking to each other.
It will be different, but a good kind of different.
Carrie´s last blog ..Doctor visit….and a sigh
January 8th, 2010 at 10:02 pm
Cool shots:-)
January 8th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
I felt the same way when my second baby came along…there are still many special moments for the big sister though!
January 8th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
You are such a lovely person! The pictures were beautiful, and your writing even more so. I understand your feelings 100%….The amazing thing is that loving another child does NOT, in any way, diminish the love you already have for your first. It’s magical that way. I think your heart just grows bigger!
SO excited for you!!
Kelly´s last blog ..my funny memories
January 9th, 2010 at 1:19 am
I love how your writing just flows, and how you express yourself so eloquently!!!
Beautiful post!
Alicia´s last blog ..FRIDAY PHOTO FLASHBACK
January 9th, 2010 at 3:33 am
The new baby is something you’ve yearned for and longed for for so long. Part of you wants to hold on to the old life a while longer. I think it’s only natural. Enjoy the last two months to the fullest. You will be fine.
Jientje´s last blog ..Friday’s Fave Five, First Week of 2010
January 9th, 2010 at 3:41 am
Your refracted light analogy is right on. Nicely written. I watched Away We Go last night, odd movie, but had a very realistic look at pregnancy and some very strange looks at other family structures. There was one family where the wife had miscarried 5 times and they had adopted but the whole reaction felt very real.
killlashandra´s last blog ..Sandia Crest in Winter
January 9th, 2010 at 9:10 am
Enjoy these last months as mother of one. Mother of two will be great too. Best wishes.
Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Fitness Friday
January 9th, 2010 at 9:14 am
I can only imagine – hugs!
Nicole´s last blog ..Egyptian Museum in Cairo
January 9th, 2010 at 10:35 am
The pictures are fabulous !
Enjoy these last months dear !
Stéphanie´s last blog ..Winter
January 9th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Ahhh – the homeward stretch. Breathe, breathe, breathe and savor the moments. It will be here soon enough! (btw, you’ve been tagged! http://theycallmejane.wordpress.com/2010/01/09/tag-youre-it/)
Jane´s last blog ..Tag! You’re It!
January 9th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I know that feeling all to well too. But at the same time I feel that longing for another one is taking away from the one I have now. You are such a beautiful writer.
Amy´s last blog ..Indy Birthday Party!
January 9th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Wishing you the best, Sandy. You have a beautiful heart and I’m sure your honesty here will touch many.
Genny´s last blog ..Grace is…
January 9th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
Those photos are gorgeous … as are your thoughts. It will all come together in the end.
Jenners´s last blog ..Jasonlocks and the Three Girls: Game 12
January 9th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Maybe it’s just me, but I felt like the first two trimesters were SOOO fast and then the third was SOOO slow. Kinda gave me time to adjust to the idea of a new baby. Take your time and savor these last days.
Cara´s last blog ..They Really Are Angellic When They Sleep
January 10th, 2010 at 12:00 am
I know exactly how you’re feeling- we didn’t start the nursery until after little G was born. Don’t you worry, you’ll still have your “moments” with the new big sister, and your world will be even more beautifully chaotic with two. And your heart will be so full seeing the love between them, I guarantee it.
Enjoy your last trimester, it will go by quickly!
Gorgeous post, as usual
.
Karen MEG´s last blog ..Happy New Year Fragment Style
January 10th, 2010 at 1:49 am
I can SO relate to this post!
After waiting so long to conceive, the fear that my pregnancy with Ethan was too good to be true. Waiting to truly let myself believe I was blessed for the second time. Treasuring up all my “last” moments with Evie before she became the Older Sister instead of my Only.
But your third trimester will fly by. It will be a memory soon. The nursery will be ready and Babisodes will be ready and you will be mostly ready! And you’ll have a sweet baby in your arms. And you’ll watch Babisodes in her new role, and you’ll love her more than you thought was possible.
SarahHub @ Oakbriar Farm´s last blog ..Smile
January 10th, 2010 at 6:40 am
First, I love your photos! You have an amazing gift! Next, I can’t say that I totally feel your “pain” but I know a similar kind (long story…one day, I may just tell it). I can however relate to minimal preparation for the 2nd little one. Could have been due to total exhaustion from running after a 2 1/2 year old with a ginormous belly hanging on me…or could have been just feeling like I already had everything…or just having no clue how to get ready for a boy. Don’t feel too bad…we all go through it one way or another but it all is truly a blessed time. Oh, and “another world of chaos” is putting it mildly, my friend. Start nursing your vocal chords now! LOL! Hang in there!
Christie – The ChatterBox´s last blog ..Taking You Back to The Old School with Flashback Fridays
January 10th, 2010 at 11:20 am
enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! everything will come together in time.
Jeanne´s last blog ..Can’t Have Anything Nice!
January 10th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Don’t worry…not even the most beautiful nursery can prepare you for parenting two children at once! But congratulations for reaching the third trimester!!! I’m so happy for you! Now you can REALLY let it sink in. It’s time to be excited! Pick a name! Buy some baby clothes!
Melissa´s last blog ..Six Years
January 11th, 2010 at 3:10 am
This post hit so close to home. My last pregnancy right before G ended in miscarriage and I too tried not to get too prepared for this last baby. I had to go to the store to get burpcloths, washcloths and a bunch of other items the day before he was born and it was a little more exciting to leave it all to the last minute. Besides, you’ve done this before. You’re totally a pro now. Who needs to prepare?
Take care of you. Btw, you look awesome!
kspin´s last blog ..Merry Merry
January 11th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
I remember those forced smiles, as well. Going through fertility treatments while friends and family conceived and had babies. It was hard. But I’m a nester and planner and I was, surprising for me, optimistic. The nursery was ready one month before the twins’ birth.
You’ll get there, hon. And it will be awesome.
January 11th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Oh I feel you on so many levels here. We did not struggle with conception, but with miscarriage, and as I enter my last week of being pregnant (ever according to my husband) I am cognizant of how fast it has all gone. I may never again feel a baby inside me. I may never know the fear while trying to conceieve and waiting through the first trimester and then second or the absolute wonder and amazement that I will have a baby with me at the end of it all. I am most certainly melancholy right now as I think back over the past few years and multiple pregnanices, 2 of which gave me the beautiful children I have now. It is amazing and pregnancy is an experience that cannot be duplicated – it is absolutely a blessing that we are able to conceieve and have babies. There are so many people who can’t. And I know this and I am blessed and I am trying to enjoy the last few days with this baby inside me.
On a lighter note – I will be unable to enjoy them in any sort of relaxed manner because I, like you, did not prepare at all. We still have the co-sleeper from our other kids and I remembered to call our firends who we had lent the car seat to and I just picked up something warm to put on her when we come back from the hospital. Oh – I also just dug Sophia’s old clothes out of the attic. However, I am doing a lot more to preapre Sophia and Miles for the baby than for the actual baby herself. We dod not have a name yet. She is sharing a room with Sophia at some point but you would never know it because there is no nursery furniture anywhere. We are just not in baby mode because I think I didn’t realize how close it was and also because when it is not your first, as you know, you are so busy with your kids!
So, you are not alone – and hey – at least you still have 2 months. Next Tuesday is the day. That means I now have 6 days. Uh-Oh.
I thought this was a great post. Sorry I wrote a small novel here it just really resonated with me! Enjoy these last couple months of pregnancy and enjoy these last couple months without dristraction from little Babs. It will all come together!
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..The Pregnancy Packing Dilemma
January 12th, 2010 at 9:59 pm