Shades of pink
Anticipation can seriously impact how you think. For some, it’s a build up, a time of growing excitement. For others, it can snowball in the opposite direction, sending thoughts spiraling downhill, or to other places it doesn’t belong.
For the most part, I do my best to walk into situations with no expectations. At least, this was how I approached some of my recent medical procedures with my gynecologist.
A few months ago, my doctor scheduled me for a cervical biopsy. She gave me no instructions beforehand. I was to arrive just as I would if it were a normal yearly checkup. Despite my legs splayed in the air at 90º degree angles, I had no expectations. I figured, “Eh, it’s probably going to be like my yearly pap smear.”
*SCRAPE!!!*
Remember that post? Need I re-post the photo?
There was no numbing medication. No direction to take painkillers beforehand. Nada.
It hurt like hell.
I had a laser procedure a few weeks after receiving my biopsy results. The nurse assured me that it was a quick and easy procedure. Again, there was no direction to take painkillers beforehand.
That hurt like hell.
So this week, when my doctor suggested that I take Ibuprofen before having an HSG because, “it can be painful and there is lots of cramping,” I panicked a little.
Okay, I panicked a lot.
As I laid naked on the cold, stainless steel table, with a speculum, light, and catheter all wedged up in my va-jay-jay, the radiology tech stood firmly by my side.
“Don’t worry Sandy. Hopefully this will be quick. Here, put your hand in mine, and squeeze if the pain becomes too much to bear.”
Holy. Crap.
“Okay, Sandy. They’re about to insert the contrast solution. This is the part that’s not so great. Just remember to squeeze if you need to.”
Holy. Crap.
In that moment, my head tilted up and my eyelids closed in anticipation of searing pain. That poor woman’s hand lost all circulation for a solid thirty seconds.
“Okay. All done.”
“What?…That’s it?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
After all the foreboding warnings, I barely felt a thing. I was so anxious with anticipation, I had to take a moment to release a long exhale. As I remained horizontal, several personnel scampered around the room, removing instruments and tubing from my body, and cleaning up surgical trays and equipment around me. I couldn’t help but ask myself, “How much more? When will this madness end?”
As of today, all of our fertility test results have come back normal, so it is still unknown as to why we are unable to conceive. But my doctor does not want me to get discouraged. She highly recommends that I take advantage of this month and monitor my ovulation (see photo below) since I took Clomid for a challenge test.
But now I am afraid of how I should approach things this month. How can I stifle the anticipation?
Something tells me that I better find a hand to hold.
Woah!
Muthering Heights’s last blog post..Prom Night, Part Three
June 4th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Are yall trying too hard? Is it not fun anymore? I think you didn’t feel anything because of all the adrenaline rushing.
Undercover Princess’s last blog post..I am an insensitive, bad girl…
June 4th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
The way I see it, anticipation is good. I’m praying for you guys. Just take it one day at a time and try to enjoy time with the hubby and babisodes.
Ashley’s last blog post..When Your Heart Stops
June 4th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Something tells me that I know what you are doing tonight! ENJOY IT GIRLFRIEND!
Tiffany @ Paging Doctor Mommy’s last blog post..Thursday Random Ramblings
June 4th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
oooh i was in pain reading your post…autch!
Take care!
BLOGitse’s last blog post..Obama’s speech in Cairo 4.6.2009…Obaman puhe Kairossa…
June 4th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Just try to distract yourself in every way possible. I hope these next two weeks pass quickly and bring you good news
Melissa’s last blog post..Conversations with Adelle
June 5th, 2009 at 12:11 am
I was on the edge of my seat, also anticipating the searing pain. That is one anticipation I do not enjoy. I guess you have two hands to hold, Dadisodes’ and Babisodes’. I can lend an extra if you want.
ceemee’s last blog post..Canvasses
June 5th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Trying to conceive is so tough! The two week wait (between ovulation and when you can take a pregnancy test) is the worst! I hope the time flies by and I’ll be praying that this is your month! I know it’s easier said than done…but relax and enjoy the process!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Ahh, poor thing. I guess all the anticipation wiped out all the pain, huh?
Good-luck and just totally enjoy the whole thing. It’ll be a wonderful surprise before you know it
June 5th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Oh, Sandy…don’t be discouraged, my friend!!!!
I’ll be praying for you. The most secure hand you can hold onto is Gods!!
Alicia’s last blog post..FRIDAY PHOTO FLASHBACK
June 5th, 2009 at 1:35 am
(((big hugs)))
Fingers crossed for you sweetheart. Hopefully soon.
Veronica’s last blog post..And then, I choked on a hair…
June 5th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Yeah. Keeping my fingers crossed (and my toes) for you too.
Jientje’s last blog post..Friday’s Fave Five, Life is Good.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Yay for those lines on June 4! I took enough of those damn tests to know exactly how exciting that is!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Have a glass of wine and get at it girlie! Enjoy yourself!
Kat’s last blog post..TT: The Name Game
June 5th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Good luck. Glad it wasn’t too bad.
Secret Mom Thoughts’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
June 5th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Hugs Sandi.
OHmommy’s last blog post..Great Expectations in Ohio
June 5th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Crossing my fingers.. and sending little baby dust.. and lots of hugs..
Kim’s last blog post..What the heck? Showing off your best online
June 5th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Best of luck! Baby dust… I like that. Glad this latest procedure was a blip.
Jen of a2eatwrite’s last blog post..Local Love Fridays: "Return to Your Senses" – RoosRoast Free Speech Coffee
June 5th, 2009 at 9:04 am
You can hold my hand and squeeze as hard as you want.
((Hugs))
Employee No. 3699’s last blog post..Lazy Post…
June 5th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Wait, those two lines are good, right?
Karen’s last blog post..It’s Rather Random
June 5th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I’m so glad it didn’t hurt. As I read these different medical stories, I feel for you so much. It’s horrible to be suffering so much physical and emotional pain, not only with no one there for you, but with you feet up in those hellish stirrups. I’m so glad someone offered you a hand.
On the other hand, I’m not hearing much of any GRRL power assertiveness coming from you. I know it’s hard when you feel so out of control with your body. If you can, it would be good to bring one of your most assertive girlfriends with you as an advocate. Then you or she could have told the doctor that in the past you’ve been very sensitive to the pain of things that weren’t supposed to hurt, and that you also had a lot of fear and dread beforehand. You’re entitled to do that, and it would make these procedures a little easier to take. That’s what I told my dentist, and he gave me a prescription for a couple of tranquilizers to take beforehand, which cut the anxiety down to about 1/3 of what it was beefore, plus he numbed my gums with a swabbed-on gel before he even gave me the novocaine. And he gave me some advice about trying to put my mind in another place, so I wouldn’t be feeling the places he was working on. Sound good?
Dot’s last blog post..Creating a Household Notebook
June 5th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Oh I’m glad the HSG wasn’t bad for you… my second one “hurt like hell”! But then again, it can also be a “flush” and help the process too.
Annoyingly normal is the worst about unexplained infertility.
You’ve got a hand to hold here (and I’m always just an eMail away).
Karen MEG’s last blog post..Living the dream
June 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am
*Hugs* Sandy. You have so many hands to hold, both real and virtual! I’m keeping everything I have crossed for you!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Good luck! Hope things work out the way you’re hoping for.
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Sunday & Holiday (Mandarin)
June 5th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Fingers crossed.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Friday SkyWatch ~ 4
June 5th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Big Hugs for you! You have a lot of hands across the net to hold. We are rooting for you!!
Amy @ The Q Family’s last blog post..Destin in Winter
June 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I got pg after having an HSG. I’ve heard that happens a lot, sort of like a clearing of the cobwebs sort of thing. Best of luck to you!!!
Shelly’s last blog post..Lessons from the Food Pantry
June 5th, 2009 at 10:54 am
(((HUGS)))
Praying for you both! Just don’t worry so much…emotional stress always get in the way the say…so just enjoy it and before you know it, it’s there!
Mariposa’s last blog post..I’m Clueless, Yet Shouting TGIF
June 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I wish I had more words other than I’m hoping and praying for you. And, of course, keeping my fingers and holding my breath too. I sincerely hope you are able to conceive soon (((hugs))).
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..A Friday Haiku
June 5th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Sounds like you need a kinder, gentler doctor!!
susieshomemade’s last blog post..Update
June 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Pillows!! I know this sounds dumb, but after you do the deed, prop your hips up on pillows so the sperm runs upwards. You and millions of other women probably already do this…
Good luck, my fingers are crossed!
Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..PSF – Turn Turn Turn
June 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I felt the same way for my HSG – I actually cried a little beforehand. But I felt NOTHING! Yahoo! I’m so glad it went well for you!
Oh, I am wishing and hoping and thinking and praying for you!
SarahHub @ Oakbriar Farm’s last blog post..Rock Star
June 5th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
What is it with doctors? I’ve had very similar experiences in that the ones they don’t warn you about are terrible, while the ones they do aren’t. I just preemptively take Advil before all gynecological procedures now.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Cara’s last blog post..Grits, Grits, Grits – The More Times I Say The Word, The Weirder It Sounds
June 5th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I’m with Angela @ Mommy Bytes. Stand on your head if you have to. Better yet, lounge around propped up on pillows and have your hubby fan you with palm fronds and feed you grapes. Maybe that can make the scientific part of it seem a little more romantic.
Channeling all my most fertile thoughts to you…..
Lisa’s last blog post..artistic inspiration
June 5th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Good luck!
The Mother’s last blog post..Mummies and Mommies–NefHxMotherhood
June 5th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
wait…I’m so confused? Two lines means pregnant, right?
workout mommy’s last blog post..Ideal vs. reality
June 5th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Whenever I read one of your infertility posts, I can only shake my head in agreement with empathy. If you ever want to yak – let me know. We went through 6 LOOOONG years of infertility exams, tests, procedures, visits, exams and countless OB/GYNs. I was ready to spread ‘em for anyone in a white coat after a couple of years. Sad but true.
The HSG, for me, was the worst of the worst (and NO I didn’t become preggo afterwards like people claim). Anyway, 6 years later, alas after finding a really good RE via IVF helped us conceive our first child (and now our twins on the way) but it was SUCH a long, painful journey. I applaud your sense of humor, because it certainly helps!
Sending sticky vibes your way.
MamaGeek’s last blog post..Garden of Weedin’.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Hey, Your Pregnant , Right!
chris’s last blog post..His Moment
June 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Good luck to you. I couldn’t handle the intrusion of fertility studies, etc. I tried the hormones for a couple months and was ready to check myself into the nearest mental health facility. That’s when I decided that an only child might be a wonderful thing, after all. (I had gone through missed abortions and false pregnancy. It was too much.)
Eve’s last blog post..Memorial Day Weekend Report
June 5th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Yikes! My sister and one of my cousins are both dealing with this stuff right now. Doesn’t sound very fun…
jenn’s last blog post..Ouch
June 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Have a fun and romantic night tonight. Anticipation can be fun as well. Your explanation of your exam was very well written.
Good luck!
Maria@Conversations with Moms’s last blog post..Friday Frustrations – Mr. Linky Etiquette
June 5th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Ok, virtual hands are hard to hold and squeeze, but I’m here holding out a hand to you as you wait, as you do, as you go on with life. Squeeze as hard as you need to.
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. You have been through so much these past few months (Dadisodes job loss, Babisodes change in schooling, your looking for a job, Dadisodes starting his own business) These things are all called STRESS and they add their two cents worth in strange ways. Try to let as much of it go as possible. God does have a plan and He is in control — in you life and in mine.
The Bible verse I’m claiming now for myself and for you is from Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Patsy’s last blog post..Haiku Friday — Facebook Frustration
June 5th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Good luck to you – at least there is some fun to be had in the trying!
Before my first mammogram, by way of introduction, the doctor said, “It’s OK to scream in this room.” Awesome.
Lisa Rae’s last blog post..Learn Something Already: Day 5
June 5th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this hardship. Thank god it wasn’t painful! Reminds me of my recent endoscopy/colonoscopy, which they told me wouldn’t be painful. They are big, fat liars, those medical people.
Here’s hoping things turn around for you REAL soon, and there’s a GOOD test result to show.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post..Ice Cream Memories
June 5th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Are these ovulation tests or pregnancy tests…either way, it’s good news. Either your dropping the egg or the egg has hatched???
The suspense is killing me…..
Dejoni’s last blog post..Rent a Rim
June 5th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
We’re all here holding your hand, Sandy!! I’ve got everything crossed for you and hope that this works out for you!! Best wishes!!
Sarah’s last blog post..The difference of a day…
June 5th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Hugs and good wishes!
Kimberly’s last blog post..One more time, with feeling
June 5th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Oh geez, I was kind of cringing while reading! My BF and her husband tried 12 years and then out of frustration quit trying. Much to their surprise soon afterwards they got pregnant and had two boys in 2 1/2 years!! Don’t give up. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Jeanne’s last blog post..Oopsie Daisy
June 5th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
First, I was crossing my legs in your honour. Then, I was giggling, looking at the dates on the sticks and thinking, “I know what she’s doing tonight!”
Good luck, sweets!
Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Sand in her you-know-what
June 5th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
dont think abt conceiving but just have fun with hubby, that way u wont be too stress!
wen’s last blog post..Eat Healthily, Live Happily
June 6th, 2009 at 3:12 am
Hugs and keeping my fingers crossed for you! xx
Karen @ If I Could Escape’s last blog post..Photo Hunt . . . Advertisement
June 6th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Sweet mother of genitals!
I hope I’m not out of bounds to ask if the husband/SO has been checked? Just in case?
I hope this period will help the doc figure something out.
And that quote at the top is now my fave!!!!
You do have a way with words.
Jamericanspice’s last blog post..Aloha Friday #uno
June 6th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Really hope it happens soon
Jeanette’s last blog post..Shaelea turns 5
June 6th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
All my Best wishes for you!!
June 6th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Best wishes and big big hugs to you on the results. I’ll cross my fingers for ya! That test sucks. I only had it once but hope to God I don’t ever need it again. Scraping isn’t even close to descriptive. Maybe more like shredding.
sheila’s last blog post..Aloha Friday~
June 6th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I . FEEL. YOUR. PAIN.
Having gone through literally hundreds of pregnancy tests in the period of two years myself, I totally remember those days of not wanting to get too excited but yet feeling very hopeful.
However, don’t be too worried if it doesn’t work. I took Clomid for three months then quit. Then got pregnant – on nada fertility anything – 6 months later.
God has funny timing like that. Or ironic. Or he has a great sense of humor. But I must say it was much more exciting to see Him answer at the exact end of 40 days of prayer rather than getting pregnant on the Clomid. Seems more “real” that way.
My virtual hand is there to hold, and I don’t even mind if you cut off my virtual circulation.
Rachel @ Grasping for Objectivity in my Subjective Life’s last blog post..Fabulously Fun: What a Summer Saturday is Supposed to Be.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Thinking of you, sending you all the good wishes in the world. I hope everything works out beautifully for you. You so deserve it.
MommyTime’s last blog post..That’s Just How Dogs’ Lifes Are
June 6th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Waiting 2 weeks can seem like forever… Hope it’s worth the wait!
Cookie’s last blog post..Why?
June 7th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
i really am praying for you guys, Sandy. and i’m glad this procedure was less painful than the last.
jameil’s last blog post..Crazy Movie Lady 20
June 7th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I know – what was all that hype for?? so didn’t hurt!
I refuse to take another stick and pee on it. Really, I am that done with those damn sticks! My diagnosis is the same “unexplained infertility” – sucks – I don’t like that answer AT ALL. I want a definitive answer.
Best of luck to you
June 7th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Been there girl…I’m here to tell you…things do work out. We were lumped in “unexplained infertility”, so frustrating…
Nap Warden’s last blog post..Mom Takes on the World
June 7th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
thinking of you – well done post as always
good luck – I do like the suggestion of your husband feeding you grapes and fanning you
sign up for that!!
Elle’s last blog post..Artist Artist, how does your garden grow?
June 8th, 2009 at 2:11 am
good luck, hon!
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Weekly Winners: May 31-June 6
June 8th, 2009 at 2:51 am
I think it’s good that the procedure wasn’t as bad as you had thought. Sometimes expecting the worst helps, although hoping for the best still is better.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I never know quite for sure the right words to say other than that I’m so very much hoping for good things for you, Sandy. I also love the way you write.
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Inverse Proportionality (Maggie Math)
June 8th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I’m glad the test wasn’t painful. Weird how you had warning about the non-painful one?!
Good luck….I am so hoping this all works out for you!
xoxo
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..DysFUNctional Mom and the Crazy, Surreal, Bizarre, Horrible and Wonderful Day
June 9th, 2009 at 5:17 am
Glad it went well. The meltdown with my HSG was before the procedure! All the best!!!
Nola’s last blog post..Hip Hop to the Hospital
June 9th, 2009 at 7:54 pm