Standing still
I was oblivious to the blazing heat just outside the windows. On the right we passed an open field. Tall, lush crabgrass gently swayed side to side as a woman played catch with a golden retriever. To my left, the skyline of Boston sat in the shadows behind the late afternoon haze. The sun perched in the distance, a perfectly round glowing orange medallion. Soft pink clouds cushioned the sky around it, as if to showcase its brilliance.
I had never seen a sunset like this since we moved here. Never. Not like this one. And somehow, in that moment, as I sped away from Logan airport leaving Dadisodes behind, I knew.
For a moment, the wind ceased, the grass stood still, and the world was silent. In that moment, I just knew that the world was about to lose an incredibly special person.
As soon as I returned home from the airport, I phoned Dadisodes to say goodbye before his take off. But through his trembling words, it was clear he was too late.
His grandmother passed away before he even had a chance to board his plane to see her.
Hours before he had received a phone call that his grandmother was unexpectedly in the hospital and suffering kidney failure. It had only been a week since we last spoke to her to share the news of Babisodes 2.0 over the phone. She seemed to be doing fine, but now the doctors were warning that she would probably not make it through the night.
I bought him the first flight out of Boston in hopes that he could be by her side in her final moments, so that she would know how much she is loved, so that he could somehow say goodbye.
But he never made it.
Despite her declining health in recent years, this was all unexpected, and far, far too sudden. Now he is struggling, we are struggling, not only with the loss of her, but also with finding a way to cope.
We hope that she knows how much we wanted to be there, how much she means to us, and how much we love her.
Although she is not my biological grandmother, in the past 7 years, I had grown to love her as if she were.
She embraced me in a way that no one else in Dadisodes’ family ever had. She was a prolific writer, with a gift for storytelling, and wrote me more letters than any person in my life. Perhaps that was the glue that bonded this young Chinese girl with a seasoned all American woman.
Her handwritten envelopes will be missed on our doorstep. But no more than the sound of her breaking voice saying, “I love you” over the phone.
She is the only family member besides Dadisodes and Babisodes who has ever said those words to me.
As Babisodes runs squealing throughout our backyard blissfully unaware, I cannot help but wonder how the world can so easily move on; how inside our home time stands so still as our hearts sit heavy with little will to budge.
I like to think that part of grandma lives on in Babisodes. At least I hope, because I am unsure if her young mind will hold on to the memories they created together.
Perhaps it is her strength that will one day pull us back outside, where the wind continues to blow and each day offers a setting sun.
a beautiful tribute. i’m so sorry for your loss.
xoxoxo
August 24th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Thank you for sharing. Your post made me smile. It’s beautiful how you honored this woman with your words; she would be so happy!
August 24th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Oh, this made me so sad!! I’m so sorry for your loss!!!! My condolences to you and your family!!
August 24th, 2009 at 3:37 am
I’m so sorry for both of you
Hugs!
August 24th, 2009 at 3:58 am
So sorry for your loss. Sending hugs, sympathies and best wishes in coping with your loss. My your memories never fade.
HUGS.
August 24th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Oh love. The path from here is hard. Apparently it gets easier, but I’m not there yet.
Holding your virtual hand.
August 24th, 2009 at 5:22 am
The words “I’m sorry for your loss.” ring so hollow as I think them and say them to you, but I truly hurt for Dadisodes and you and Babisodes right now. Losing a grandparent, especially one so special, and so suddenly is not easy. I pray that God will comfort you and strenghten you. Mourn for your grandmother and cherish the memories of her. As I looked at the picture of this lovely lady holding a precious baby memories of my own grandmothers with my babies came flooding back. They were also strong loving women who helped mold my girls even though the girls don’t remember them — I had the memories and pictures and they received the stories — Babisodes will know her through you.
August 24th, 2009 at 8:09 am
She must have been a VERY special person. I am so sorry for the loss you feel. Would that I could hug you – hug all three of you – during this painful time.
August 24th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I’m sorry for your loss. HUGS!
August 24th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Sandy,
I am praying for you all. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Beth
August 24th, 2009 at 8:23 am
I’m bawling my eyes out, so beautiful yet such a sad loss! Sounds like the two of you had quite a lovely connection. I’m sure she’ll be around you more than you know. Wonderful wonderful post!
August 24th, 2009 at 8:37 am
I am so sorry for your loss, I dont think you ever get over the lost of a loved one, the good news is that they live in your heart and mind forever.
August 24th, 2009 at 8:43 am
So sorry sweetheart. xx
August 24th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Sudden death is so much harder to deal with than death after you’ve had a chance to say what you want to say, and then say goodbye. That photo is beautiful. I’m guessing that she knew how you all felt about her from the expressions on your faces, your staying in touch and visiting, and the words you used when with her. Sometimes it helps to write a letter, telling the person everything you want to say that you couldn’t say because there wasn’t any time. This tribute also says a lot about what she meant to the three of you. Hugs to you, Sandy. I’m thinking of you.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I lost my Grandmother a year and a half ago. She was in a car accident so it was very unexpected, but very quick and we are atleast grateful for that. When you said how difficult it is to see the world moving on when your family is at a standstill – I know exacly what you mean! I wish I could say it gets easier with time, but for my family time hasn’t meant much. Every holiday, birthday, special occasion, she is still missed just as much. I still find myself, whenever I sit down to send out cards or birthday invites or pictures of my kids, thinking of sending them to her and then realizing a second later that I can’t. She passed a month before I found out I was pregant with Olivia and knowing that they will never meet in this life is still difficult to think about. She truly rejoiced in her family, especially her grandchildren and great-grandchildren!
However, as sad as it is for us to have to cope without our loved ones it’s those memories that are sometimes hard (often times happy) to think about that keep them alive.
This was such a great tribute and such a wonderful way to honor your loved one. Thank you for giving us all a glimpse of what a special person she was!
~Sassy
August 24th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I’m sorry for your loss. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here…
She’s one special grandma…her wonderful memories will be with you and your family forever…
August 24th, 2009 at 9:48 am
August 24th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Sandy, I’m truly so sorry for your loss! It’s hard to cope when it’s sudden. I pray that you and Dadisodes will find a way to find peace in knowing that she is now in a good hand.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I do believe that love never dies and your daughter will always be connected to her grandmother, whether she can consciously remember her or not. I made a memorial website for my mom with music and pictures after she died last September. My sister’s granddaughter, who is two, often asks my sister to play grandma’s song on the computer. She listens and looks at the pictures. I didn’t realize that it would become so important to the little one, but it has so it will stay online! My son and his wife had a baby six weeks ago and Brooklyn will never “know” my mom. But I plan to show her the website someday when she is old enough:)
August 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am
What a beautiful tribute. I’m so sorry for your loss Sandy. *hugs*
August 24th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I’m so sorry to hear the news, Sandy. Those letters will truly be a treasure. Someday, your kids will be able to read them and see more about who their great-grandmother was. Take care!
August 24th, 2009 at 10:43 am
I’m so sorry sweetie….hugs to you all.
August 24th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. That picture of your grandmother and Babisodes is absolutely beautiful….a testament to enduring love.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
How eloquently written. She sounds like an amazing, caring woman.
August 24th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep her and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers at this time.
Babisodes will remember her great grandmother, all you have to do is tell her stories of their time (and your time) together.
August 24th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
This was beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss.
August 24th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Beautiful post. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
August 24th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Oh Sandy,
I’m so sorry. There is nothing harder than that, and I cannot imagine going through it with a child old enough to miss them. My heart goes out to you all! I will be praying!
August 24th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
OH i am sorry.
August 24th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I’m so sorry, sweetie *hugs*
August 24th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Oh Sandy, great big hugs to you! My greatest heartbreak is that my daughter will never know my grandpa. He was such an amazing guy who died right before I got married when my daughter was still the proverbial twinkle. At least Babisodes and her great-grandmother were able to spend some time together. Cherish those memories.
August 24th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. We felt like this when we lost my grandmothers in the same year. Neither of them ever had a chance to meet my son and it breaks my heart.
That photos is precious and beautiful.
I’ll pray for comfort in this difficult time.
August 24th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
i am very sorry for your loss. what a wonderful picture to cherish and pass on to your little one!
August 25th, 2009 at 12:07 am
I am so sorry for your loss…there is nothing that can ease the pain in this situation.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Two special ladies – how lovely that you found each other.
Thinking of you.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:26 am
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for Dadisodes. I am sending you my love sweet Sandy. Take comfort in the love she not only had for you, but showed for you. You truly are blessed that she loved you openly, and knew you well enough to “get you”.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:38 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. How nice that someday you’ll be able to share those beautiful letters with Babisodes & Babisodes 2.0.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:26 am
She seemed like such a lovely woman with whom you share special memories. Losing a grandparent is indescribable as they are the ones who spoil us just to see us smile and laugh. My grandpa’s health is failing right now, and seeing him suffer under those tubes is heartbreaking.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:18 am
I’m so glad you had the opportunity to know such a wonderful person. But I know it makes your loss even harder. I’m sorry…
This happened to us four years ago. My husband’s mom had cancer, and very suddenly took a turn for the worse. We took the first flight to Detroit, but we didn’t make it. She was the kind of mom I’d always wanted, and I still miss her terribly today. She prayed so hard when we were going through all of our infertility treatments, but never got to know about Evie…
Time does soften things a bit, but you never get over this kind of loss.
Hugs to you.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Sandy I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a hard time for you and your family. What a testament to her that you have so many wonderful stories to share about her. Our deepest condolences.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Oh, man. I’m so sorry to hear this. Warm thoughts to your family.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
My heart is with you. It’s hard losing someone special, not in the cliche way we call someone special, but when it’s someone who really and truly is, indeed, special. I’m sure she knew that he wanted to be there, and I’m sure that it mattered even more for all the times he was there and then with you and then with your little one. Those are the moments that really count and that hopefully give some peace even when it hurts so much. Sending hugs!
August 25th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
So sorry for your loss. She may not be here in body, but she’ll always be with you guys spiritually. <>
August 25th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I’m so very sorry. My condolences to you and your family
August 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Little Bug’s paternal grandfather was 90 years older than him. When Little Bug was three, my father-in-law died suddenly. Six years later we still talk about “Pepere” daily and that has kept his memory alive for Little Bug.
There is such sadness now. But know that ever so gently the sadness becomes bearable and the memories will shine through…for you, Dadisodes and your daughter.
Take care.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
She would have loved your post, hon. What a wonderful tribute to her and to your love for her.
I missed my father by 30 minutes. On my drive from the Charleston, WV airport to Huntington, that’s when my father died. I was devastated. I understand. Give Dadisodes, the little one, and yourself many hugs from all of us.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
This post was a lovely tribute to her.
All the best to you and your husband on the loss of what appears to have been a very special woman.
Hugs.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I am so sorry for your loss, hon. Many thoughts & prayers to you & your family.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I am so sorry to hear this, Sandy. Praying for your family =)
August 26th, 2009 at 9:48 am
((HUGS)) My thoughts are with you guys.
I understand that unbearable pain when someone truly special dies. My grandmother was that person for me, and she died shortly after Wuzzle was born… she held on long enough for her to be born, but never got the chance to meet her
August 26th, 2009 at 10:52 am
((hugs))
August 26th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I am so sorry for your loss.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I’m so sorry for your lost. Your family is in my prayers. May the Lord comfort you in your time of need.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I’m sorry he didn’t make it in time but glad he got there to be there for everyone else. I hope you and the family stay well.
August 26th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
So sorry for your loss. {hugs}
August 26th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I’m sending my love to all of you from way over here on the opposite coast. I know that she knows how loved she is by you and Dadisodes. Take comfort in her letters and how easily her love for YOU flowed onto the words on those pages.
hugs for you, my sweet friend.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Sandy I am so sorry for your family, what a wonderful blessing to have had her in your life! You’ll cherish the memories forever.
Big hug,
C
August 26th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Oooooh, hugs dear. Big big hug.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
She sounds like such a special person. I’m sorry Dadisodes didn’t make it to see her in time and that Babisodes 2.0 won’t get to know her. Blessings for your family….
August 26th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Oh, so sad. And so sweet that she said I love you. Hugs to you and your family.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I am so very sorry to hear this. I lost my own grandmother very suddenly when I was pregnant with my first child, and I know how devastated you must feel. I send you and yours whole family much sympathy.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Oh, Sandy, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. She sounds wonderful.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
she sounds like a lovely lady – I’m sorry for your family’s loss
August 27th, 2009 at 12:25 am
my sincere condolence to u and ur family!
August 27th, 2009 at 2:41 am
Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful post and tribute to her though. I lost my Granny at Christmas and have been unable to really write anything about her as I just get too upset.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Sandy, I’m very sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you and family. I didn’t get to see my Dad soon enough, he left us this June. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:51 am
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts. You’ve made a beautiful tribute to her here….and I’m sure that she knew how much you all loved her.
August 28th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
That is so sad. It sounds like she was a beautiful person. I lost my grandma last spring and miss her so much.
Blessings to your family and may she live on in you all.
August 29th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Love. Loss. Sorrow. Almost too much to take sometimes, yet you will make it through. So sorry, Sandy.
August 29th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
So sorry to hear about the loss of Dadisodes grandmother.
Love the photo of her with you daughter.
Thinking of you all…
August 29th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Wow. Wonderful, wonderful post.
Exactly wheat I’m talking about with my most recent post “legacy”. My grandmother passed away 1 month before my son FINALLY came home. It broke my heart that because of government slowdowns and waiting lists, she never got to meet her second grandchild in person. She left me an inheritance exactly the amount we needed for a second adoption. And our daughter is named in her honor.
August 30th, 2009 at 1:53 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a lovely woman.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 am