Sure, Why Not? I Guess Not EVERYONE Has Seen It.
Disclaimer - The following post is a true story. There are no actors. Only the names of the people involved were changed to protect the (sort of) innocent. This is merely just another story of a dumb girl with an affinity for welcoming complete strangers to look at her vagina.
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Sometimes I really wonder if the blogging gods are truly looking out for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. By no means do I believe there are brilliant stories or decent prose published here, but every now and then, I freak out about not having a thing to write about.
Seriously, I live a rather ho-hum life. A trip to the local Tar-jay Greatland is quite an outing for us during the week.
So by Friday (and Monday), I sometimes find myself suffering an internal panic attack over what I could possibly say here. And just when I begin to tell myself, “Screw it. Just don’t post. No one will notice,” it seems as if the blogging gods look down upon me in pity, and then throws me a bone. It is heavy, aimed directly at my head, and laced with humiliation
Wednesday morning? = blank Word.doc screen.
Wednesday afternoon, post pelvic exam with my Ob/Gyn? = blog fodder galore.
Remember the last time I had my hoo-ha checked? Well, I had to do it again.
Nurse: Go ahead and undress from the waist down and Dr Hoo-ha-Checker will be here in a moment….Oh! Dr Hoo-ha-Checker has a resident following her today. Would you mind if she stands in during your exam?
Me: Um….er…sure.
Alright, alright. Before you go and raise your brow, she did say “resident” and “she” this time (unlike the last, where HE was a student, and was barely old enough to ride a bike drive). Technically, residents are M.D.’s, meaning they have already endured many, many years of medical school and clinical scenarios. There was little chance my hoo-ha would be the first she had ever seen. Plus, I already saw her in the hallway on the way in, and she seemed very kind and professional. So I took a chance.
*knock knock*
“Hi Sandy! How are you doing today? This is Ms. Kind-Hoo-ha-Checker-In-Training.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Okay Sandy, I need you to lie back and scoot your pelvis all the way down to the edge of the table and let your knees fall the to side. Ms. Kind-Hoo-ha-Checker-In-Training will be placing the speculum to start the procedure.”
*dies*
“Okay Sandy. Deep breath in….”
My intuition was right on. She was precise and gentle. Plus, she was quicker than an inmate on a conjugal visit. Score.
“Okay, now we will use the Colposcope to see if there is any abnormal tissue to biopsy from your cervix.”
<<Click. Click. Click…..Silence>>
“Um. The Colposcope doesn’t seem to be working.”
“Ms. Kind-Hoo-ha-Checker-In-Training, can you please call the nurse?”
*Door opens, nurse enters*
“The Colposcope isn’t working? Let me ask the other Hoo-ha doctors if they used it recently and had any issues.”
*Door opens, nurse leaves*
*Door opens, nurse enters as half a dozen other Hoo-ha checking employees stand at the doorway*
Did I mention that while my exam room turned into Grand Central and spectators huddled around the Colposcope near my feet, my knees and ankles were still mid-air at 90º degrees with a SPECULUM hanging from my va-jay jay like a subway freakshow performer?
<<Click. Click…..Clank>>
“Yay! The Colposcope is working now. Great job Ms. Hoo-Ha-Checker-In-Training.”
*Door opens, nurse leaves as audience remains outside the doorway in case of an encore*
“Okay, lets continue.”
“Alright, Sandy. I do see one small area of tissue that looks a little questionable, so I’m going to go take a tissue sample to biopsy.”
“Ready. One…two…thr…
<<Scraaaaaaaaaaape>>
Sweet, juicy mother of Genitals!!!
Did I mention there is no numbing medication for this procedure? Or liquor? Or heroin to inject directly into my veins to trick my lady lips into saying, “Helloooo docs! I see you have some sharp, pointy knives and instruments over there. C’mon inside! Turn the lights on and have a look-see.”
I think I’ll forgo Tampons for at least a year now.
And from now on, when I find myself with blogger’s block, I’ll revisit this post as a reminder to never freak out about it again, and to beg for mercy from the blogging gods.
Do I EVER know how that feels.
The OB/GYN I switched too after my daughter was born is actually on office that is a part of the medical school. So during my first visit there – there were like 4-5 additional people in the room besides the doctor. They asked if it was okay and I said yeah. Definitely a STRANGE feeling.
Frances’s last blog post..Social Anxiety
March 19th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Cracked up over this one, Sandy!
Hope the tissue sample comes back just fine and dandy.
And congrats on the Mommy Blogger Award! you sure deserve it.
I love your blog.
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..After May 10th
March 19th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
As a man, I feel terribly unqualified to comment here.
I’ll just leave you with I AM SO GLAD I AM NOT A WOMAN!
You do have a way with words though…
Chris’s last blog post..Photostory Friday: Jackson
March 19th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Dontcha LOVE those check ups?! But it did make for a seriously great post. All of us girlfriends out there can definitely relate.
Hope all the tests come back clear!
Kim’s last blog post..Excuse My Sparse Posting
March 19th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Okay. I would have seriously freaked out with the door opening and closing and my legs still in the air. Are you kidding me? How does this always happen to you and your obgyn visits? I think if I were you I would switch to a non-teaching hospital.
Love the pics. hehe
Kat’s last blog post..It Was A Lucky Day
March 19th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
my now ex friend had the same procedure. Her doc wouldn’t give her any pain pills so I gave her a couple of Vicodin I had left over from surgery. I want them back.
OUch!!!!
jessica’s last blog post..It’s a Real Shame, Really
March 19th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Love the photos
. But really, it’s not a scraper, it “the claw”! Those things are nasty! I always go in with Motrin a 1/2 hour beforehand, which helps with the aftermath pain, but the actual claw pinch? OUCH!
Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..PSF – Springtime is for Baseball
March 20th, 2009 at 12:08 am
oh hell no!!!!!!!!! That would freak me out!! FREAK ME OUT!!! No interns for me!!
But, I hope you are okay and get the BEST news ever!!!!!!!
March 20th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Um, yeah. You just convinced me to just say NO to any unexpected visitors in my OB’s office. Yikes! and OUCH!
kspin’s last blog post..Luck
March 20th, 2009 at 12:30 am
Yup, there’s no way that I can know what you’re going through as a woman, but it sounds about as embarrassing as anything. But I have to say, that photo of the lemon zester with your story is totally a crack-up!!
bri’s last blog post..Will Be Back in A Minute
March 20th, 2009 at 12:55 am
I think you should switch doctors…at least to one that has the decency to pull the paper sheet down over your hoo-ha before more people pile into the room!
Melissa’s last blog post..Embracing Change
March 20th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I had to swallow…hard…as I’ve been on the edge of my seat while reading this post…and I feel the ouch!
I’m not married yet, but I do get my annual check-ups…not sure if being married or not spell a difference…but so far, I never had something like this happen to me…thank goodness! Yet, this is a good way to prepare me of what’s to expect in my future.
I hope the biopsy result will be just fine!
Mariposa’s last blog post..A Call For Vigilance…
March 20th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Well you made my night…I haven’t finished laughing yet but will work on it. I will not say I am sorry that you went through that cause I would have missed out on a good post. SO STINKING FUNNY…..can’t help it
March 20th, 2009 at 1:53 am
Someday as the pain and nightmares go away…You will forgive me …won’t you????
March 20th, 2009 at 1:55 am
ok, so here’s the deal. i was a little squirmy over this story, but the lemon zester?
that put me over the edge.
*ewwwwwwwwwwwwww*
the planet of janet’s last blog post..From my microwave to an A in French cooking
March 20th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Lol! The last time I was “checked out” I had a “visitor” such as yours. Less awkward, but only slightly and equally hilarious!
jameil’s last blog post..Giddy
March 20th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Ouch! Hope you feel ok down there soon. O.o
Marylin’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Me n my boy.
March 20th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Boy you are brave. Your visit reminded me of when I gave birth to my son and all the residents came to visit after my C section. I had lose all inhibitions thanks to the heavy pain drugs.
Secret Mom Thoughts’s last blog post..Becoming More Natural
March 20th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I lost all shame when my daughter turned breach and about 10 different nurses and doctors decided to play a game of “what’s that body part” while shoving their entire hand up my Hoo-Ha to feel around. I thought they might call the janitor in for a turn.
Winning part was her butt crack, btw. After me threatening her life if she touched me one more time, winning nurse had the honor of calling the anesthesiologist in for an emergency c-section. Good times.
Great post. Hope the tests come back clear and your Hoo-Ha feels better soon;)
Ashlie- Mommycosm’s last blog post..Novel
March 20th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Ahhh, yes, that scraping is HORRIBLE. Had the same test 2 yrs ago. Worse than I remember childbirth, that’s for sure. Mine came back negative, thank God. I hope yours will as well. NOT NOT NOT a pleasant test. Damn, I can actually feel is right now! ARGHHHHHHHH
sheila’s last blog post..How to lose 250 lbs without dieting.
March 20th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I obviously missed my calling in life. I’m willing to bet I could handle a mean speculum.
Oh, and BTW, where did you EVER get, “quicker than an inmate on a conjugal visit.”
Now I’m going to have visualization issues for the rest of the day.
lceel’s last blog post..The Eagle Sh*ts
March 20th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Holy Cow! All women can surely feel your pain! Even though, I did laugh a time or two….sorry Sandy.
Cathy’s last blog post..Photo Story Friday – "Feed Me"
March 20th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I.Am.So.Sorry. Both that you had to endure that and that I’m laughing over it.
Karen’s last blog post..Called Out
March 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Oooh! That’s scary, the pain I mean. Yikes!
Hope the biopsy result will come out desirably. I once had a biopsy on my leg and the doctor did not even use topical anesthesia, and he did it quite slowly, too. I think I even told him to hurry up. It’s quite painful.
ceemee’s last blog post..Getting Ready For Summer
March 20th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Lou was reading my mind, I loved the line “quicker than an inmate on a conjugal visit.” That was really funny. I’m glad the nurse asked your permission to see the resident, still in all it doesn’t make up for your room becoming Grand Central Station. Really, your doctor should have taken over at that point. I hope everything turns out ok.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Venting
March 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Hope everything comes back fine!
Leidy’s last blog post..Thankful Thursdays – Mom
March 20th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I hope you were going for laughs, because I’m laughing. Thanks for the lift. Well-told, as always.
daniel (writing problems explained)’s last blog post..Don’t tell me How I Feel
March 20th, 2009 at 10:32 am
YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW! Thank God I’m a guy and thanks for reminding me to do my daily thanks. I hope the results are all good.
Hockeyman’s last blog post..Is that bad?
March 20th, 2009 at 10:54 am
My sister delivered a couple of months ago in a government Hospital. After giving birth, she was stitched up by 2 student nurse. The wound didn’t cure for some time that she had to seek advise from a private Hospital. The doctor told her that the stitching was done very badly. The painful part was they had to remove it and did a restitching.
March 20th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Thanks for the early morning cringe. And Hoo-ha checker in training!! That made me laugh out loud.
Michelle’s last blog post..PSF – Spring and a rude visitor
March 20th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Wow, I don’t think I will ever complain about not having anything to write about ever again. Next time I come up with writer’s block, I will just post a link to this post, and no one will care about my lack of interesting things to say. Thanks for the cringe/laugh. I love the pictures of fruit. They made your point exactly. Hopefully everything comes back alright.
March 20th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Ouch! Hope the path report comes back OK.
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Book Review: Chinese Characters for Beginners
March 20th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I think I would have died a little and then complained loudly to the doctor.
So if the tests come back negative then everything is ok? Hoping for good test results!
March 20th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
The accompanying graphics? Priceless.
If it were me, I’d TOTALLY score some sort of liquor or something and go in a little medicated. OR SOMETHING. DUDE!
Just have someone drive you or something. Oy.
March 20th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
this has got to be the worst experience ever. i’m sorry you had to go through this.
Felicia-I Complete Me’s last blog post..Get Fit Friday | Wii Fit Experience
March 20th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Ugh, the most dreadful thing ever! You poor thing! Hoo-Ha Checkers *and* scraping.
I *loathe* that speculum business.
And yeah, why don’t they serve liquor at the Gyno?
Holly’s last blog post..Nature activity for kids: feed the birds
March 20th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I am so glad I have a penis. Everything that women seem to go through with regards to their genitals seems to be painful.
Solomon’s last blog post..Things I’m Grateful For on Friday 20 March
March 20th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Nice close up on the lemon… hope you heal quickly.
Nino’s last blog post..Notte Sento
March 20th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
At least once a year for the past 40 years with a couple of years where there were more than one because paps came back less than steller. I totally understand what you are writing about. Love the pictures. They sum it up well!
Patsy’s last blog post..100 Word Challenge — Snapped
March 20th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I too have to say I am terribly sorry that you had to endure that, and that I am laughing over it. Great prose!
kontan’s last blog post..Things I have…
March 20th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Ok really? As if the dentist didn’t leave me in enough agony today… the pictures you posted have me crossing my legs and dancing to avoid the pain that clearly is NOT there!!
(And I would so TOTALLY rather spend a day in the dentists with the drill going than a visit to my gynecologist… while I like him as a person… I dread my visits more than anything else in the world.)
Jac’s last blog post..9 Months In – 9 Months Out
March 20th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Sweet mother of Hoo-Ha Checkers! That made my skin hurt.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Friday Fragments
March 20th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
yikes
holly molly batman
no thank you
March 20th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Ummm well the beginning of that was quite funny, and I was laughing until it came to the ouch part, at that point literally sprayed out some Coke Zero.
How in the world do you end up in these situations? all be it they are rather comical.
I do wish and pray that the sample that they took comes back ok.
I have been thinking about you. Hoping that everything is ok!
Amanda’s last blog post..From the mouths of babes…….
March 20th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Aackckkk! You are KILLING me.
Literally.
I was imagining everything a little TOO well. and internally contracting during all this.
I think I told you about the time I said it was okay for a fellow to perform a wee-little procedure in my hoo-ha. A fellow, gosh darn it, has her (in this case) MD and internship under her belt (hee! hee! slip of the fingers there). But that didn’t stop her from screwing up and cause agony to me. But no worries, because the specialist CORRECTED her right then and there. On me of course.
CC’s last blog post..Welcome to my Super Party!
March 20th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
i hope it turns out ok. but i gotta tell you…my teeth curled…just a little…on your very. very. graphic. descriptions.
and those pics.
i’m NEVER going back to my gyno. ever.
March 21st, 2009 at 12:06 am
I asked my readers to share other bloggers that they felt had “great attitude” for me to check out. Instead, I nearly send my laptop into a smokey afterlife reading what you wrote WHILE trying to drink a Diet Coke.
Thanks for that.
I’ll also be thanking that reader because you’re full of the funny!
Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..How to ensure your realtor will report you to Child Protective Services
March 21st, 2009 at 1:05 am
Is it officially Not Quite and Official Hoo Haa Checker in Training week or something?! I have one too. SHe was nice. And I am SO grateful I didn’t have the horrifically painful hoo haa experience you had, I drew the line after she struggled with the blood pressure cuff.
brittany’s last blog post..Rainbow sherbet makes me smile.
March 21st, 2009 at 8:13 am
Hahaha! Oh, the blogging gods are good to you!
I had that procedure done a while back to check me for abnormal cell growth. PAINFUL is so very very true. You’d think they would give you something! At least a lollipop at the end.
Allison’s last blog post..Hand? Hand! HAND!
March 21st, 2009 at 11:00 am
Ahhh! I am cringing thinking about the “scraping” pain. I hope everything turns out okay — thinking of you
March 21st, 2009 at 11:58 am
Ouch ouch ouch ouch!
Joy’s last blog post..friendly places of friendship around the country & living optimism
March 21st, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Why can they not drug you up before they do that? Why could they not have lowered the drape? What are those people thinking? I would like to go and smack them all! Stuff is bad enough without them making it all worse than it needs to be.
One thing, you sure have a great sense of humor but I was not sure whether to laugh or cry. I am praying that the test will come back good and that this will be the end of your ordeal. Hugs.
Christine’s last blog post..Saturday Morning = Fishing Shows
March 21st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
My sister has to endure this every six months as well….I am so sorry that you have to go through this too. You are far more patient of a patient than I would be!!
abunslife’s last blog post..Jake’s Journal
March 21st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Yes…the blogging gods sure “smiled” on you! This was so funny but so awful. And those photos….you are brillant!
And I have “make OB/GYN appointment” on my to do list and now I think I will push it back even further ……..
Jenners’s last blog post..A Virus Has Struck…And A Poll
March 21st, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Oh My God! That cracked me up.
And girl, I know what you mean. I resorted to a ‘ask me a question’ post and then half the state burned down and I ended up in hospital.
So blogging Gods? Sandy and I would like a little ‘win a bucketload of cash’ and ’spontaneously lose weight through no medical problem’ kinda blog fodder from now on.
KTHXBAI
March 21st, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Okay Sandy – what is up with you and your hoo-ha checkers? I have NEVER had a resident/assistant/janitor/sidekick ever ever “assist” my OB/GYN in all of my pelvic exam history…including any of the births of my three kids!! Waz up???? You are so friggin’ understanding – I might have been like – “No thank you.”
Everywhere I go – it’s all about the gyno these days….including my current license plate!! Have you seen? Stop by to see…. if you have a spare moment.
Lee of MWOB’s last blog post..Don’t Label Me! At least not with this one…!
March 22nd, 2009 at 2:13 am
Ooooh my God Sandy! Giggle, snort!!
We all have been through this at some point in life ( well,at least the girls have) but this beats it all! To write about this the way you do? You crack me up!
And the pictures to go with this post are hilarious.
But they show exactly what it’s like!
You’re some piece of work girl.
But I guess I already knew that!
Jientje’s last blog post..Weekly Winners, Let Me Take You There …
March 22nd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Oh Sandy, between your story telling and your visuals…you’ve got a way, girl!
yeah, that’s the sorta blog fodder I could take a pass on as well.
And congrats on getting in … whoot!!!
Karen MEG’s last blog post..Weekly Winners – Our nation’s capital and lights!
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I know. I apologize. When it came to the distribution of biological struggles, God did not spread it equally. For many reasons, women have it tougher. But you do get to live longer.
.
Wishng you well
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Sandy I feel your pain. I HATED this test with a fiery passion. The only difference with mine was being in a teaching hospital when they did it…they used a video camera and had a large TV that it came up on…ah…good times
Jessi’s last blog post..Weekly Winners
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:20 am
I am squeezing my legs together SO tightly right now! OWWWW!!!
dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..Not Me Monday 3.23.2009 ~ Weekend WrapUp
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:10 am
i can never endure so many audience! i need my privacy and dont accept residents. i just cant…
u r brave girl..hope everything is well for u.
poh poh and lil one ok?
wen’s last blog post..New Illustrated Header
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
“scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape” Oh.my.God. I am not ashamed to say I am cringing and laughing all at the same time. I think hooha horror makes great blog fodder!
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Oh Sandy! I’m sure that must’ve been a horrible experience, but the way you put it in writing is so hilarious! This really made me hit the floor……Hope the results are positive.
katcarneo’s last blog post..Hands
March 24th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Ask and ye shall receive… blog fodder… Good luck with the test results
Sugarplumsmom’s last blog post..Helllooooo? Anyone home?
March 24th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Good grief! I hope you’re okay. Sorry they found an area they were interested in, and hope the test comes out just fine.
Puts me in mind of one of my own gyn stories. First story, the nurse practitioner has a student. Would I mind, etc. etc. So I get into position in the stirrups and they start discussing THE PIMPLES ON MY ASS! I had no idea I had any, and here a couple of strangers are discussing them WITHOUT ME. They were supposed to be looking elsewhere anyway. PS – They were both women.
Dot’s last blog post..The Painfulness of Hope
March 24th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Yikes! All I can say is, Thank Gawd that wasn’t me!
Cookie’s last blog post..The Elements
March 25th, 2009 at 12:23 am
YYYYEEEE-OOOOUUUCCCHHH!!!!
Emily’s last blog post..ww – rub-a-dub-dub…
March 25th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
This totally reminds me of when I was at the beginning of labour with my daughter and my doctor did something that felt like swirling a rusty nail around my cervix. And that I’m due for a pap. Dammit.
Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Being an Asshole
March 26th, 2009 at 1:56 am
That lemon scraper pic…..now THAT is a Wordless Wednesday photo for you! I am so happy I am reading this post AFTER I got my Hoo-Ha checked! Or else I would’ve been thinking of lemons the whole time! lol
Now – what picture would you use for a mammogram? A potato masher?
Sharon’s last blog post..Firefly Shop’s Zojirushi Bento Giveaway!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:22 pm