Like when I turned 30, and some jackass thought it was appropriate to send me an AARP application.

Thirty!

Or last year when a Golden Girls-esque wig catalog arrived on my doorstep, addressed to moi.

Shimmery, permed kind of wigs (click above link to see the scariest blond Asian woman ever).

Last month I even received an American Express Black Card application in the mail.  Did you know they have an annual fee of $2,500?

Think they’re aware I paid for a coffee and $1 menu apple pies in quarters at McDonalds today?

Apparently thirty marks a time of retirement, hair-loss and wealth.

Perhaps when I hit forty, they’ll send me information on Craftmatic Adjustable Beds and reverse mortgages.

However, on the flip side, there are some companies with an uncanny way of being in the know.

For instance, last year, major diaper and infant formula companies began sending products to my parent’s house addressed to me.  All before I even tested positive on a pregnancy test.

How did they know?

With this in-depth method of learning about a target audience, you would think that companies would automatically remove me from these sorts of mailing lists…

“I love my body?”

Well if I did, then I don’t anymore, thankyouverymuch.

I swear every model’s waistline in this flyer is as wide as my thigh.  And their thighs are thinner than my ankles.

Not to mention, I haven’t been able to see my crotch in months. I’m sure it’s a hot mess down there, and I’m not about to try and squeeze it all into their delicate $25 underwear.

Being on every pregnancy mailing list possible right now should somehow preclude me from receiving any ad with hot women.  And at 9 months pregnant, while carrying an extra 25 pounds and struggling to put one pant leg on at a time, trying on G-strings right now is up there on my to-do list with having an epidural needle wedged into my spine.

Don’t get me wrong.  I do not dislike the store or anything.  But until my granny panties no longer look like a twist-tie on a loaf of bread, no thanks.

However, if Victoria’s Secret could somehow figure out how to keep my boobs this size as they rear up to breastfeed, I would be ALL over that.