Five years ago I went to a casino. I was invited by two co-workers to a gambling establishment just outside of San Diego.

I figured I would try my luck one more time.

The only other occasion I had to step foot into a casino was on my 24^th birthday. Dadisodes and I just started dating, and we headed to Las Vegas to celebrate. 

It was my first experience with gambling. And although my 4-inch black heels sank deeply into the luscious casino floors at the Venetian, the entire place reminded me of a facility set up for children. Is it me or do casinos remind you of Chuck-e-Cheese or Dave and Busters…with a lot more booze?

Anyhow, I was clearly in over my head. Especially after I withdrew $200 from an ATM and perched myself in front of a group of slot machines.

They were not just any slot machines. These had a $50,000 Mercedes Benz within arms reach begging to be won.  A lit a neon sign above the hood flashed, “Win this Mercedes or $40,000 cash!”

Within five minutes, I had sunk $100 into one slot machine below the car.

I was no idiot. It was time to move on.

Upward and onward I went to the blackjack tables. And just before my legs sat crossed upon a stool, a roar of cheering erupted behind me.

Someone had just hit the jackpot…on my slot machine.  

One of my worst birthday memories is of watching a crew haul that Mercedes down from the tops of the slot machines for someone else.

So when I entered the local casino with co-workers, I was a bit hesitant due to my unfortunate past.

As soon as I arrived, I wanted to pass out. The thick, congested nicotine air was enough to kill the gaudy silk plants in the décor. I had to break apart from my co-workers to seek refuge in a smoke-free area of the casino. It was a hallway, barely wide enough for one 80-pound cocktail waitress to walk up and down with a beverage tray.

But I had no choice. There really was no other place I could go, other than the inside of my car. And of course, in the confines of this claustrophobic space, there were two ratty nickel slot machines. One of which was already occupied by a moo-moo wearing elderly woman with rollers in her hair.

She didn’t smell so I sat beside her. I had another hour to kill and $5 in my pocket, so I lowered my chin into one hand and began dropping silver coins with the other.

Five bets later, my machine lit up.

I mean it lit up while setting off deafening sirens and flashing lights. All I remember seeing on the screen was “Tilt.” And the only thing going on in my mind was, “Score! Maybe I won back my $5 dollars.”

After the commotion died down, a tiny slip of paper slid out from the machine.

“What? That’s it? I get a lousy receipt?”

But as I looked down, the voucher read, “Winner of $540.00!”

I nearly passed out again. This was far better than the five bucks I was expecting.

As I held that meager, thin slip of paper, the world around me froze. The surrounding voices, ringing, and music all muted. I tightened my grip around the fragile evidence of my fortune, and wanted to shield it from the world.

Worst of all, I dreaded the long haul back to the cashier to claim my winnings. What if an employee walked up to inform me this was all a big a mistake? What if my sweaty palms erased the proof on the slip?

What if this was all just a dream? I knew I would not breathe again until I was safely cashed out.

Yesterday morning as I sat on my cold bathroom floor, I revisited those two days of gambling. My head was still spinning from Thursday’s questionable pregnancy test. For two minutes, I sat with my eyes closed, imagining the slot machine wheels spinning and spinning, as I hoped for a set of three. It reminded me of these past months of hoping for a pair of pink lines.

However, this month, part of me felt as if I am just destined for line solidarity on pregnancy tests. So I decided to mix it up.

And this month, took matters into my own hands…

I may not have 2 lines, but I have these two sticks…

And I feel like the luckiest gambler in the world.

Perhaps in 9 months, I’ll start to breath again.

Post title- Saying from William Bolitho

Living in absolute sin, Dadisodes and I shared an apartment in southern California.  I had just decided to stay in San Diego for him, rather than continue with travel nursing.  And after a yearlong courtship, still unwed and not engaged, my period was late.

<pause>

It would be important to mention here that at the time, I was still working in very acute neonatal intensive care units.  Although I was dating someone seriously, I was still unsure as to whether or not children were going to be in my future.  Especially since a normal infant in my eyes at the time was approximately 3-4 pounds and attached to life support.  Not to mention the constant smell of burning flesh in the O.R. during cesarean sections was not doing much to sway me towards motherhood.

Just like any woman not trying to conceive and taking precautionary measures, I panicked. A lot. And then proceeded to empty the shelves of the pregnancy test aisle at CVS.  Generic, early detection, fancy-overpriced name brand.  You name it and I scooped it into my arms, dumped them into my car, and raced home at alarming speeds.

It is truly amazing how difficult it is to pee during times of crisis.  And how slow three minutes can take to go by, pacing in front of a test.

Finally, there was only ONE pink line in the control section.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and then lowered the test back down towards the trashcan.

Wait. What’s that?

An ever so faint pink line shadowed alongside the dark pink one.

After several hours, it went unchanged.  I called my gynecologist to schedule an appointment for a blood test to make sure.

Upon arrival, the nurse immediately gave me a similar urine pregnancy test to take.  As she administered the drops of my urine onto the test strip, she immediately noticed two developing pink lines.

“Well,…*holds up round pregnancy calendar*…it looks like you’ll be having a May baby!”

My knees gave in and I nearly passed out.  Luckily a chair sat behind me to catch my fall.

“Are you okay, Sandy?”

“Yeah,…um…can you check the test again to make sure.  I got a faint pink line on my home test.”

“Let me see.  Well…hmm…. you know,… you’re right. It is barely pink.  We should really make sure.”

It turns out I was not actually pregnant. It was just a false alarm.

Trying to conceive over the last year or so, I still revisit that moment every month while taking a pregnancy test. Month after month, the negative test results have taken their toll.  It has evolved into a state of panic in a thick, heavy cloud of uncertainty, stifling as my time frame for trying to conceive comes to a close, our options become fewer, and biopsies come back unchanged.  Not even a glimmer of a pink line has presented itself.

Until yesterday…

With heavy signs of PMS (read: tender breasts, sugar cravings, water retention, mood swings), my past experience, and a years worth of failure, I am torn on how to interpret the test.

I fear latching onto this weak line of hope.  Because this time, so much more lies behind it.  I fear I am not strong enough to handle being letdown again.

Could this test be testing me?

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

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]]> http://www.momisodes.com/reading-between-the-lines/feed 80 http://www.momisodes.com/preliminary-test-results http://www.momisodes.com/preliminary-test-results#comments Sun, 06 Apr 2008 04:38:09 +0000 Momisodes http://www.momisodes.com/?p=595

March 30th -April 5th

Not sure if it was too soon to take a test, but for now I’m breathing a little sigh of relief. Thank you to everyone who left a comment here.

Period started
last Friday night, and was
abnormally “light”

And then suddenly,
just three days later, it stopped
for unknown reasons

Over 18 years
cycle lasts for seven days
Could something be wrong?

Exhausted lately
Wishing I could sleep in more
Craving Entenmann’s

Apprehension builds
Should I go pee on a stick?
Not sure what to do

….to be continued

It’s snowing all the time, it’s so cold I can only feel my toes about 30% of the time, hubby is working 14-hours a day, and I’m preparing for our move, blogging, working online, and holding up the fort with a toddler at home by myself every. single. day. Funny how the drug and alcohol epidemic seems much clearer to me now.

Here’s how I greeted hubby when he walked through the door last night:

Me- *runs over to give a big hug and starts crying*

Hubby- What’s wrong? Are you alright?

Me- I don’t know. Something’s going on. I think I’m pregnant.

Hubby- Uh….err….um…..uh, okay. What makes you think you’re pregnant? Are you late?

Me- No…*sniff*… but I just cried while watching an episode of The Facts Of Life!!!

Yes, I’m pathetic. No, I’m not usually like this (nor do I usually watch The Facts of Life), but I just don’t feel right. If I didn’t have a toddler that would run for kitchen knives or unlock the front door and walk outside and hitchhike her way out of town while unattended, I could honestly sleep all day. I’m exhausted. Yet I still find the strength to heifer myself to the kitchen for food every 15 minutes. This is precisely what my first trimester was like while pregnant with my daughter (minus the constant urge to barf).

As I forced myself out of bed this morning, I knew exactly what I needed to do. The first urine of the day is the most accurate for pregnancy tests, so I had to do it. The trick was holding my bladder until I got the damn thing out of it’s package! It amazes me how much harder it is to hold it for those extra 45 seconds. I ripped open the brand new box of generic Target brand pregnancy tests, removed 1 individually wrapped test (of course it’s sealed tighter than vacuum pack of beef), and did my best to not pee all over myself and the floor. Immediately the lines on the stick fill *heart races* and I scream through quivering lips (and not in a good way), “HOLY $#!@! There’s 2 lines! There’s 2 lines!”

Hubby outside the door says in a soft, broken voice, “uh, …Sandy… what does that mean?”

Note to self: READ THE FREAKING DIRECTIONS FIRST before peeing on the stick!!!

Thank GAWD! I was just thinking that I totally missed out on the process if it were positive.