Two months, three days and 10 hours after I graduated from high school I had an epiphany.  Okay, so perhaps it wasn’t quite that exact.  But I did have a rather enlightening experience.  It was a few weeks after I had tossed my square, white cap into the air.   I received an adorable, used compact Honda from my parents as a bribe to not go away for college graduation gift  (I was not allowed to drive at all during high school).   Along with a minimum wage paying job as a grocery store cashier, I signed up to volunteer at a local hospital during summer break.

It only took about 8 weeks.  By then my heart already knew that the medical field was where I belonged.  I was just not sure precisely in which role.

As a volunteer, I caught a glimpse inside the world of nutrition, radiology, lab, emergency, geriatrics, physical therapy; the list goes on and on.  But throughout the long days of shuffling through sterile walkways, I always found myself drawn right back to the pediatric wing.  Perhaps it was the fish tanks or the pastel colored murals on the walls, but each day I secretly wished to be assigned there.  The look of hope on children’s faces, loved ones actually at their bedside (rare with adults), and nurse’s who clearly enjoyed working with this population.  It all convinced me.  Besides, it was one of the few units in the hospital that did not constantly smell of urine.

It was there that I somehow strolled by the Neonatal ICU for the first time. I peered through their high security windows and saw the ultimate challenge. Monitors, IV drips, and an endless sea of beeping machines. A fast paced, acute-care setting, sure to never bore.  Tiny lives so pure; so fragile; so…precious. Like a moth to a flame, my eyes never wandered.

Fast forward 8 years and include pregnancy issues and a child of my own, and I find myself here. A stay-at-home mom dedicating this week to fulfilling her yearly Continuing Education (CE) courses in order to maintain her Nursing license.  It’s been over a year since the last time I cared for a patient, and this gap of time has wedged a sense of doubt within me.   Will I still be able to keep up physically? Mentally? Emotionally?  And as I sift through the online courses to choose from to fulfill my CE hours, I begin to wonder…”am I still cut out for this?”

13 Online Courses I Can Take To Fulfill My License Renewal Requirements

1) Suicide

2) Cancer nursing

3) Chemotherapy and Biotherapies

4) Obstetric and Gynecologic Emergencies

5) Menopause

6) Cancer in Women

7) Bioterrorism Readiness

8 ) Biological Weapons

9) Mental Disorders in Older Adults

10) Ethnicity and the Dementias

11) Surviving and Thriving in Nursing

12) Treating Victims of Mass Disaster

13) Death, Dying, and Bereavement

…Can someone please send me a bottle full of happy pills?

Maybe I should check out what #1 #11 has to offer.  Or perhaps I need to revisit those sterile walkways and reassess my role there.  Or if I even belong there anymore.

*Update on yesterday’s sink status- Still full, and dishes have multiplied.