The Black Hole
(Warning: Title may also substitute for size and quality of post)
The rain has not let up here in Boston. For weeks, it seems it has rained every day. Thick, overcast skies blanket the city leaving me guessing whether or not the sun is coming or going. I never know anymore.
I don’t mind rain much. In fact, the heaviness in the air often reminds me of being in love. Reminds me of times when I’d take cover in a tiny apartment alone, my body wistfully perched along a windowsill, gazing through a haze of water droplets. Trickles of rain would carry my thoughts to wherever my lover was. Hopeful, that somewhere, his mind was flooded with wants of me too.
Over the years, I’ve discovered I am a firm believer that love is blind. That while drunk on all of the euphoric hope and endless affections that love brings, one may not see things as clearly as they would have otherwise.
I am no exception to the rule.
I have an unfortunate habit of overlooking many, obvious personality flaws once I find just a few redeeming qualities. And even if I consciously recognize them, I fool myself into believing that with time, and love, they will change. Especially if the other person aspires to do so.
But it rarely happens. The changing part, I mean. At least, usually not in the way I had hoped.
In my life, I spent a fair amount of time dating. It took many years and several relationships, to learn that those who abuse usually don’t stop. Those who cheat will often cheat again. And most recently, those who promise change…may not follow through.
At least, these are the realities I’ve come to learn so far.
Nearly two years ago, Dadisodes and I purchased our current home. This is not the first home we have owned. Back in California, we bought a run-down townhouse and remodeled it ourselves. From the landscaping to interior load-bearing walls, we completely gutted it out on our own. Dadisodes proclaimed himself to be a fast learner and a handy guy, so with that, we did it. Through blood (plenty of it), sweat, and tears, we transformed the place. But it took time. A long time. Long enough that by the time we had to sell and move, Dadisodes was driving in the last screw for the under-cabinet lighting I had dreamed about for years, 2 hours before we boarded a plane to move to Boston.
I may be a self-proclaimed girly girl sometimes, but when hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake, I am willing to swing a hammer. And I did. So much so that both the staff at Home Depot and the staff E.R. knew us as regulars. I was more than willing to help, but I really have little knowledge on most things “handy.”
So when we arrived in Boston, I wanted a house that was mostly livable. Mostly. No more washing dishes in a bathtub. No more eating and living with a constant layer of drywall dust. I wanted to avoid it, at least for a little while.
When we purchased our home, we knew it could use some upgrades, but maybe after 5-7 years. We never anticipated that the grass would not grow, the ceiling would mold, or the solid oak kitchen cabinets would fall apart. Thankfully, none of it has been major (yet, knock on wood).
But over time, things here and there have begun to pile up and grow worse. The backyard is full of weeds, the bathtub glaze is peeling, there is carpet that needs to go, and the basement is uninhabitable…The list goes on and on. Dadisodes has also started about ten other separate projects around the house and has yet finished one. Although he makes frequent promises of following through on all of them. I mentioned his condition here before, over a year ago: A Half-Assed Disorder. Or as BusyDad artistically calls it, “Demi-asserie.”
Everyday, I sit in my house like veal. These walls are often times the only ones my daughter and I see all day long. Everyday, they remind me that the to-do list grows longer and longer with no end in sight. And this past weekend, it all came to a head.
The question of whether or not we should continue trying to conceive was brought to the table. Despite the risks of doing so, Dadisodes clearly wants to continue, perhaps with the help of Clomid again. But with all of my underlying medical issues, and after over a year on this emotional roller coaster, I do not know if I can. Besides, it is not as if Dadisodes plays a huge role in our household. The entire first year of Babisodes’ life, he refused to bathe her. And after nearly a year, I am still cooking in a kitchen with a gaping hole where a drawer once broke. A simple drawer needing to be fixed is apparently too large of a task for a man with an entire basement full of expensive tools, a man who once rebuilt the interior of an entire home.
I am the sole person in this house, and in every home we’ve lived in, who cooks meals, wields a cleaning tool, looks after our child, and plans and manages schedules for everyone. Everyone. Not to mention, I also did this as a full-time working mom. I often wonder if perhaps his lack of participation has sent my ovaries into dormancy.
This home is where I live and work. And sometimes, I really feel as if I am working alone. If one of Dadisodes’ employees consistently turned in incomplete work that amounted to nothing but more clutter, he would fire him.
Sometimes I wish I could fire Dadisodes. Serve him partially cooked pork. Or just wash half of his underwear and never put them into the dryer.
But I can’t. Like this house, this relationship is always a work in progress. And right now there is not nearly enough rain falling from the sky to drown away my frustrations and leave me dreaming about love.
There is only enough rain to help the new grass seed that landscapers put in our yard to grow. And thank goodness for that, because heaven knows someone would probably just turn on the hose and not use it.
Perhaps holding a small flame below his demi-assierie would be a nice reminder.
It sounds like you live in “The Money Pit!”
June 21st, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Oh my word…Sandy. You never fail to leave me w/ a smile on my face!!!!!
LOL @ the drawer!!!!
Alicia’s last blog post..HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!
June 21st, 2009 at 11:52 pm
As far as the half-assed stuff goes…I know how you feel. I’ve tried everything! The only thing that works is positive reinforcement when he finishes something and keeping him happy in bed! It’s funny how if he’s happy in the sex department he’ll do anything I ask!
I have seriously thought about conveniently forgetting to wash his underwear or just hide them all when he doesn’t follow through on his share of the household chores.
Melissa’s last blog post..15 Books
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:27 am
we have NO LESS than 5 unfinished projects going right now. i’m about ready to call in a handyman and landscaper to get it done.
perhaps the threat of spending money to do things he could and SHOULD do himself will spur him into action.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Stream of unconciousness
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:36 am
I feel your pain. My husband doesn’t do squat around here. When he get home from his job, he is waaaay to tired to help with the kids ( I have 2 boys that are 17 months apart). Its rough. I fix things that break, I clean, do laundry, cook and care for the kids. And to top it off… This fall I will start homeschooling my 4 year old preschool (we only have one car and he has no wiggle room at work to leave and come back).
The one thing that I have done is make my husband a chore list (i.e. rake trash out, scoop the litter box). It helps, but I still end up doing everything.
Men….
krystal’s last blog post..An Award.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:54 am
That’s men for you! ((hugs)) sweety, hope you manage to kick the hubby’s butt into actually finishing something!
Marylin’s last blog post..Picking myself up again.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:09 am
*HUG*
lceel’s last blog post..Reruns
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:52 am
“Demi-asserie” ~ thank you! I now have a name for the ailment my own Hubs suffers. I have a bathroom with no wallpaper, no paint and it’s been like that for years, YEARS! Forget me fixing the problem, because no matter how good a job I do, something will be wrong. It’s just not worth the headaches.
We need a support group: Half-Ass Anonymous
Tara R.’s last blog post..Coppola has nothing to worry about…
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
You should go on strike!
Alana @ The Good Girl Gone Blog’s last blog post..Weekend DIY: Man Stuff
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 am
My father is the King of Demi-Assierie. I dread the day my dad dies and my mom has to sell the house b/c it’s going to take some handyperson months to figure out what the heck my dad has been doing (or not doing) all these years. You have my utmost sympathies.
Shelly’s last blog post..Ballerina Girl
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:04 am
I grew up in a house like that. My Dad was a carpenter-contractor, and when he got home from work, he was too exhausted to do more carpentry, so his “projects” became famous for being unfinished. Living in the unfunished half of the attic while my sister lived in the finished half made me feel awful. I finally tacked up some linoleum on the walls since there was no drywall. This made him mad, but I needed to have something.
I’m glad you’re not so fed up that you’ve forgotten why you married Dadisodes. “A simple drawer needing to be fixed is apparently too large of a task for a man with an entire basement full of expensive tools, a man who once rebuilt the interior of an entire home.” I’d say that his rebuilding the interior of the entire home might be a good part of his reluctance to do more. Not to mention that he works full-time. However, these things need to be talked out. If he’s refusing to take on jobs that need to be done, then someone can be hired to do them, starting with the most important.
Dot’s last blog post..Life and Mad Lib-eration Answers
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:25 am
Let’s hope that he will read this post and maybe the light bulb will turn on.
I can understand your situation because we also have an expensive, *unopened*, tool box that we bought from Home Depot when we moved in at the promise of doing things around the house. But after 3 years, I just recently had my new kitchen table to replace my K-mart table that we bought as a temporary set 7 years ago. I believe that when men are gifted with computer skill, their home improvement skill (desire) is taken away!
Amy @ The Q Family’s last blog post..Dreaming of: New Zealand – The LOTR Trilogy Epic Tour
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:15 am
(((HUGS))) I think we all have aspects of our relationships that we would like to change. Fortunately, my husband does more than hie fair share around our house. In fact, I am quite certain that he grumbles ablout my lack of cleaning at times! That said, he is a teacher and is at home all summer. In my opinion, he should be doing more.
Time to get a little pink hammer and fix that drawer! LOL
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:12 am
I think “Demi-asserie” is the perfect word. If it’s ok, I plan on borrowing the term. Just so you know you are not alone – I am also a member of the club of incomplete house projects. Maybe Tara is right, we need a support group.
Joyce-Anne’s last blog post..Where does the time go?
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:45 am
my hubby suffers from that too
Lauren’s last blog post..Bye, Bye Monster Review and a GIVEAWAY!
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I have to chuckle at the revival of demi-asserie as a term. Wow, that was a while ago when you wrote that post, wasn’t it? Alas, when it comes to home projects, I am also the king of demi-asserie. That is why I don’t trust myself to do anything “handy.” Luckily I got the taking care of the kid thing down so I don’t have to fear getting fired.
BusyDad’s last blog post..How to Completely Remodel Your Home in 30 days and 12 Easy Steps
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Having been pretty immobile for the last two weeks, I totally relate to the feeling of staring at the walls around you all day. And when I’m home a lot, it is so much easier to notice the things that need to get done (and with not being able to walk right now, it’s been that much more frustrating not being able to hop up and get things done). Anyway, just wanted to leave a note that you are not alone, mama. Sounds like you’ve had quite a year, Sandy. Hang in there!
By the way, I’m starting a Monday mom-thing over at my blog and would love for you to join in. I know you’d have some great insights to share.
Genny
genny’s last blog post..The First Mom Monday
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Ugh…sorry about all the rain. That is depressing. I love how you take an idea though and can totally change it….
Emily’s last blog post..Happy Father’s Day!
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I love how you said you sit in your house like veal. I SO FEEL LIKE THIS!
brittany’s last blog post..Daddy
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Sometimes, you just gotta remind those men who’s boss.
Unfortunately.
The Mother’s last blog post..The Curious Case of the Phone Call in the Afternoon
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
You wonder why nature really did not balance this part of life. Woman can handle a lot more at the same time. I’m not just saying this because I’m a woman. I have so many projects that need to get completed too.
My backyard weed problem? My husband was suppose to take care of all the ugly bushes and flowers that die after 2 weeks, not to mention the weeds. I think he took care of 3 of the 100 we have. Crazy, I tell you.
Yesterday he came home from work tired. Tired. The past 4 nights, I haven’t slept more than 3 hours each night because my 7 month old has an ear infection in both ears. I’ve been up with him every night while he cries himself to sleep for 20 min. only to wake up again crying. While he’s sound asleep upstairs.
Oops, I think you opened my faucet.
Maria@Conversations with Moms’s last blog post..Another use for Google Map
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Every man has the half ass disorder. It’s genetic. Think long and hard before you journey down this path again. It’s so hard to do it by yourself…it’s hard with help. But the truth of the matter is, no matter how much they help it’s never equal….NEVER!!!!!!
Sending hugs!
Dejoni’s last blog post..Happy Father’s Day
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Veal solidarity.
Lisa Rae @ smacksy’s last blog post..Anatomy: 101
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:32 pm
If he CAN do what he is not doing (which he clearly can), then something has to give. Either he has to start doing more with Babisodes so that you can hammer things together and abate mold, or he has to start doing those things — or he has to acknowledge that it’s time to start paying someone else to do them. Because you shouldn’t have to live feeling like everything is your job. I know lots of people will say, “oh, honey, that’s just how men are; they just leave their wives to do everything,” but I think that’s selling yourself short because it fixes nothing. I know it’s exhausting to have to inform him of every little thing that needs doing (which is my situation much of the time), but making lists and having conversations about OUR plans for the weekend has helped in that regard here. I wish you much peace in your negotiations, for negotiations they will be — but these are conversations so worth having. (((hugs)))
MommyTime’s last blog post..Bedtime? I Scoff at Your Bedtime!
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:57 pm
My husband is the same way. I have to kick him in the ass to get him to do anything. And even then, it’s a fight. The whole time. I’m starting to understand why my mom is insane, because I married a guy just like the guy that married dear old mom.
Good luck!
Cara’s last blog post..File This Under: $55!!! You’re Outta Your Damn Mind
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
i’m married to the same man with the same demi-asserie problem.
hugs honey. i know how frustrating it is. when half your hallway is painted a nice taupe color and the rest of it is dirty white. or the socket covers have never been put back on in the dining room after painting 3 years ago. or…a perfectly perfect purple bathroom…demolished…still.
i know. it sucks.
xo
melissa’s last blog post..Mommas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Teen-agers
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:28 pm
wow. so do i want to get marry? i don’t even know what to day.
savvymode’s last blog post..More Hiking…
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Believe me–you are not alone in this!
Asianmommy’s last blog post..Sesame Place
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I like your “demi-asserie” statement, and think I might borrow it. I know you know I’ve been going through some stuff, and the fact that my son’s nick-name is “Captain Half-Ass” is only me trying to make light of a tough situation. It’s not his issue I struggle with.
A friend of mine reminded me to read some of the posts about why I love my hubby…but instead…I’m here reading yours and have an understanding all the same.
Hugs to you, my bloggy friend!!
Grandy’s last blog post..A Lesson In Words
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Oh, dear. We seem to be go on a hubby bashing spree didn’t we. I hope you find that some of the projects get completed — that you find some peace with it all.
But I did have to smile when I read this — if for no other reason than I’m not alone.
Patsy’s last blog post..Just So You Know
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Oh boy…goodluck with all your projects! I’d just dance to itunes while fixing stuff here and there….
And we’re praying for no rain today since it’s my 17yo’s HS graduation.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:05 am
It took us 7 years and the 4th child on the way, to get the house renovated….
We knocked down a wall and lived with a hole in the kitchen for awhile and I can’t believe we managed.
Try wine, cheese, and toolbox – Goodluck
Jenjen@GottaLoveMom’s last blog post..Traditions, celebrations and other fun stuff!
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
I have a “same but different” situation here. I do ALL the cleaning and 95% of the cooking, but Todd seems to think he is a super duper big help. All his coworkers think he is this super fabulous hubby who cleans and does dishes. All the open houses we had he kept making these plans for how we were going to clean it all up and I would look at him like he was crazy. He was at work while I watched the kids and cleaned everything. Amd then he would come home right before the open house and walk all over my nice clean hardwork floors with dirty shoes, and throw his clothes around. It was maddening.
Men can be so stinking clueless sometimes!
Kat’s last blog post..Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
I love rain and wish it would do so here. Such a cocoon of happy gloom. Love it!
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..10 Great Mysteries of the Universe
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
We’re drowning in rain here too … I think we are getting Seattle’s weather!
I can’t say I have the same problem … I’m actually the starter/non-finisher and Mr. Jenners is the anal-retentive “must complete task in a timely way.”
I hope this post helps to get his butt in gear.
Jenners’s last blog post..Help Wanted Ad
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Amen – to the husband who doesn’t have time to work on our tiny landsscape but ONCE a year!!! After all, he’s out earning a living so I can “have the luxury” of staying home with our son….it’s an old song at our house, lol.
Very funny post, you crack me up! Love the drawer. Love the half washed- half dried underwear!
Hey, I actually went out and bought one of those tp holders that are upright on the wall and you just throw a new roll in. It’s a marriage saver! Like $10 bucks at Home Depot, so worth it! (ok, there have been breakdowns over the holder being completely EMPTY, with no tp in sight, but we worked thought it).
Thanks for the laugh
)
Carlen
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
That must really be hard for you. I hope he follows through and finishes his house projects. I couldn’t imagine living in a home with that much wrong with it. I also hope that you are able to find healing in your marriage. I totally understand what you mean by your marriage is a work in progress. I believe the same thing is true with my marriage. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything will fall in place for you.
Cascia @ Healthy Moms’s last blog post..Potty Time Tuesday A Continuing Journey
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I’m with Alana…go on strike. If he doesn’t finish a job for once in his life, refuse to make him anything to eat or do his laundry. That’ll show him!
Cafe Fashionista’s last blog post..Scorpion King
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I would like to go on strike with you;) Sick of the rain here as well…
Nap Warden’s last blog post..The Good…The Bad…No Ugly
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
No offense to Dadisodes, Busy Dad or my own D, but demiasserie seems to be Y chromosome-related.
Jen of a2eatwrite’s last blog post..A Bit of This and That: Stratford, some really good coffee, and a great local book club
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I tend to daydream about living in tribes again, where the men go off into the jungle and do “men things,” while the women hang out with the kids, take care of homes and support each other. Because men are really, really good at not being terribly helpful.
I have seriously lowered my expectations over the last 12 years of marriage and save money to pay a handyman. And I remember why people make a big deal out of Mother’s Day and barely remember Father’s Day.
I feel ya.
C
Carrie’s last blog post..I’m with David Sedaris on this one
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Wow, I felt like it was me talking when I read your post. We have such similar issues, it’s not funny. We’ve been trying to conceive also to no avail. We’re in the process of buying a bigger house and my biggest fear is that I’ll get stuck doing it all, even though my husband will say he’ll help with the responsibilities but never does. All I can say is hang in there. The clouds will go away and eventually the sun will shine again. =)
P.S. – Weather in CT is miserable too.
Mama in Suburbia’s last blog post..The ants go marching one by one….
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Wow. And you’re always so perky, you MUST be mad!
I didn’t know there was a name for this disorder. But I’m glad, now I can stop worrying about my own husbands problem, lol.
Same thing here…starts a million things. Finishs none. Always a bright idea, a new invention. VERY frustrating.
Over the years he’s learned to do his own wash (and everyone elses) if..for some reason…it’s not done (and especially after his underware turns pink from being washed with something red).
He’s learned to help out in the kitchen and to even cook a meal now and then…because frankly sometimes I just don’t feel like cooking.
Early on I showed him how to do stuff and even once I went on strike. No one starved and maybe they wore dirty clothes for a few days, but that’s the price they pay when the maid refuses to work.
Set some ground rules and stick to them. Life will be MUCH easier. Much. And learn to fix little things by yourself. It’s a great sense of satisfaction. And when you can’t…get estimates of how much it’ll cost HIM to get them fixed. You’ll be amazed at how quick they get done. ;o)
sheila’s last blog post..(Wordless Wednesday)Mares Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats
June 24th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Sounds like Dadisodes needs a swift kick in the reminders. I’ve had my moments, but OhCountess can be a grand master of the project starting and never finishing class.
This worked for me, OhCountess start finishing one of my projects…believe it or not, it got my attention.
Good luck! No rain here…just heat and humidity. I’m so ready to move north.
OhCaptain’s last blog post..Best Concert Ever: Because @MomoFali asked…Here’s my answer
June 25th, 2009 at 12:42 am
[...] drawer sticks. It does not close very well. And I am still unsure if it is sturdy enough to handle [...]
June 25th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
*hugs* Let me know when you find a cure for the half-assedness.
Ashley’s last blog post..So in love…
June 26th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Heehee — fire Dadisodes
I am similar to your hubby…starting projects and never finishing which annoys my hubby constantly. I feel for you both!
June 27th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
All I have to say is AMEN sister!
Andrea’s last blog post..Where is that road?
June 27th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
UGH – so relatable. I’m not sure how it is that I get accused of being … various things – “contrary” “buzz-kill” “shrill” come to mind, when I voice opposition to hubby say, demo-ing a bathroom when I’m 7 months pregnant, or when I ask him to finish the work four months later, as if I’m being unreasonable to want to have my razors/brush/pantyliners in the bathroom.
…and the rain, will it ever stop?!
Sweet Em’s last blog post..LEED AP
July 1st, 2009 at 4:39 pm