Trying over here
Divorce can be such a challenge.
While some couples are able to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship and move on, others are not so fortunate.
There are those whose divorce has far-reaching catastrophic effects on the world around them.
Like my in-laws.
Before moving to Massachusetts, Dadisodes and I lived in Southern California. Our house was approximately a 3-hour drive from nearly everyone in his family: six siblings, and two very divorced parents.
While planning our wedding, my husband had to sit down with each of his parents and explain our overwhelming concerns that they would start a fight as we exchanged vows.
After our daughter was born, the struggles only grew worse, as only one paternal grandparent came to visit her. In fact, only one paternal grandparent has ever come to visit her.
So while Dadisodes and I juggled our full-time jobs, renovated our home, and adjusted to parenthood, we made the 6-hour round trip drive with our newborn so that she could somehow get to know her grandparent and extended family. A frequent 1-day weekend trip that often left us pulled over on the I-5 freeway to breastfeed, and my husband and I taking turns at the wheel because we were so sleep deprived.
But we felt they could care less, especially when we received off the cuff comments like, “You’re young. You can do it.”
When Babisodes’ first birthday rolled around, we were thrilled to celebrate with friends and family in our home. My mother flew 7 hours from Florida for the third or fourth time that year to be with us. My father was not able to get the time off from work, but had visited with my mom just two months before. The paternal grandparent who was making an effort, RSVP’d immediately for her party and graciously offered to help with the party in any way possible.
Unfortunately, this was too much to handle for the other grandparent, who confessed (days before the party) he/she could not attend their only granddaughter’s first birthday because their ex would be there.
He/she was incapable of pulling it together, and putting differences aside for an hour, for the sake of a grandchild.
There is so much about the meaning of family we had hoped to instill in our daughter. Things we planned to teach by example, and things for her to discover on her own. Which is why we made repeated grand efforts to surround her with the family she had in California. But there is only so much we could do. It soon became clear that our daughter would have to suffer through this tangled divorce for the rest of her life. Every birthday. Every Christmas. Every milestone. Which is why we ultimately made the decision to move across the country. A decision made in hopes that distance would shield our daughter from the turmoil, make it easier to explain the absence of her grandparents in her life, and provide opportunities for our daughter to build healthy relationships of her own.
We are very fortunate to now be surrounded by wonderful friends and family living on the east coast. They help provide the sense of importance, belonging, and love that is so vital to any child’s development. But it makes me sad knowing we had to move over 3,000 miles away from family to find it. That there are half a dozen individuals with the same blood as my daughter’s coursing through their veins, whom she may never get the chance to know. It hasn’t been for a lack of trying, but things do not always work out the way wish. Those are the explanations and questions I do not look forward to.
So for the sake of my daughter, and my unborn child, I can only hope that their grandparent will one day come around.
Or at least return our phone calls.
Perhaps they would like to know that he/she might become a grandparent again one day soon.
Oh, Sandy.
I’m so sorry that you have anything at all that mars the joy of your new Bebisode 2.0. I have a similar situation with my in-laws and their selfishness hurts me and it hurts their son and their grandkids.
and it does make me fairly punch-y.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
OK, dude, first, you SCARED me with that first line. I thought you were delivering bad news.
Second, yes, hugely sad. I’ve always been struck how when all of these other huge milestones (e.g., weddings, births) are going on for people others take it upon themselves to make the situation about THEM. When it’s so not about them. When it means missing out on relationships and moments. When it hurts others enormously… hurts everyone really.
Sigh. I hope there will be some resolution and coming around too. Will be sending lots of (well deserved) good mojo your family’s way. xoxo Christine
August 10th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
You are a lovely woman and are making a nice life for your daughter.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Wow, what a hard situation. I am in a similar situation in a sense. My kids granparents are not divorced but my mother in law favors her daughters grandchildren and isnt fon of me. I have tried but she wont budge. Its too bad, but my kids are great and we love them enough to fill the hole.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Oh, Momisodes, this is pretty heartbreaking. It must be some sort of family time right now, because I was reflecting on some of these same things, as well. Is the involved grandparent still involved? Happily, children are very resilient, and Babisodes and mini-Babisodes will eventually be able to handle that one relative doesn’t understand the meaning of family, but that their other relatives do.
I’m so sorry that the ‘Sodes family is stuck going through this.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I’m so sorry that you’ve had this problem!! Family can be a blessing and a curse, I’m all too familiar with that…though not to the extremes that you are. I’m glad you’ve found wonderful friends to surround Babisodes with!! That is very special!!!
August 10th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I’ve got a difficult family situation too, that maybe one day I will write about. But what I have learned is that some people just do not understand that everything isn’t about “THEM”. They are too self absorbed to realize that they are denying people in their lives great memories. They simply can not get out of their own way.
It’s sad, but you seem to have a healthy perspective on it. There is just so much you can do. The rest is up to them.
Hugs
August 10th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
You know, by doing your part and then letting go of the outcome, you are being an awesome role model for your little ones. Family is a two-way street and it’s healthy to keep it that way. Consistently putting those invitations out there is a great way to show Babisodes that you are a loving, kind, and considerate daughter.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
p.s. I liked how you didn’t let us know which grandparent it was. That information would only have given fuel to judge and criticize.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Sandy, this is so, so sad. But unfortunately, the reality of it, and I just feel so badly for you, your husband, your darling daughter and that cutie-pie on the way. One of my oldest friend’s parents divorced when they were in their 60’s, and her father never visited her kids once after the divorce. My friend was devastated about the divorce for herself, obviously, but quite furious about the treatment of her children – his grandchildren! This was a man who had been the main caregiver to my friend’s first child (a daughter) from the time she was born until she was about 3. And then he just totally dropped out of their lives a couple of years later. He hasn’t seen them since, and her daughter is about 14 now. I knew him growing up, and I would have never expected this of him. Ever. The mind boggles, absolutely boggles.
But you’ve done what you can, and surrounded your daughter with love. I only hope that the grandfather realizes one day, before it’s too late, how much he’s missed by this really, selfish behaviour.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Oh man. That is just such a horrible situation. I’m so sorry.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
This hits very close to home for me, only it is my parents. One of them visits several times a year, was on a plane within hours when we called to let them know a baby was about to arrive, calls regularly and is generally a presence in my and my child’s life. The other? None of the above. It breaks my heart. I am just so thankful that my daughter has my in-laws and my one parent and step-parent. They provide a world of love for her. Divorce sucks.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
That’s just awful Sandy. I hope they come around {hugs}
August 10th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I’m .sorry you have to deal with that Sandy; but your daughter is surrounded by plenty of love regardless.
Personally, I think it’s selfish and childish to not be able to put aside your differences for the sake of a child, but that’s just me.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I’m sorry. It’s horrible and sad that the grandparents can’t put aside their differences for the sake of family. I hope they see the light and come around sooner rather than later.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
she’ll be confused by the dysfunction when she’s old enough to understand, disappointed and now i’m at the point where i’m annoyed but have essentially given up. it’s not the grandparents for me but i have uncles on both sides who don’t speak to each other. really? you’re grown men. i need you to get it together. no one in my family other than my mom has seen my uncle in 10 years (and she’s only seen him once) b/c he returns no phone calls. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!? ridiculous. i remembered you talking about the guilt gifts a while back so i’m still praying that (s)he will come around and embrace her grandbabies while she still can and stop wasting precious time.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
My oldest daughter’s father and I divorced five years ago. We agreed to always put her first, no matter what. No matter what differences we had, they were ours and we never have let them come between the relationship with the other parent. We are civil. We attend functions together with each other’s significant others and get along. Her dad and step dad attend “Doughnuts for Dad’s” at school and get along so well that they chat in the parking lot for half an hour afterward.
It is one of the things I am most proud of as a parent. That my child never has to feel that she has to choose sides or hear derogatory comments about the other parent.
It’s so sad when someone doesn’t love their child enough to be an adult.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Unfortunaly a divorce is so hostile that the parties never get over it.It took me years to get over my divorce.And that was after I had remarried.I did come to forgive my ex and she did the same. We told each other that in emails than We our seperate ways and have not communicated since.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Oh, I’m so sorry! I hope things change for you. In the meantime, you’re giving a loving family to your children. That counts more than anything else…
August 10th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
That is unfortunate. Both my husband and I have absent fathers, neither of which have met any of their grandchildren at all! Sadly, it’s probably for the better. We do the best we can to surround our children with the loving and caring people in our family.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Divorce sucks! My inlaws are divorced too and even though they can make it through a party without fighting, it is still uncomfortable. It just amazes me that two adults that have been divorced for far longer than they were ever married can still have so much tension!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Sandy,
If it makes you feel any better, I am both the child you described and (sadly) the wife you are. I grew up without really knowing my paternal grandparents and never really questioned it. My parents somehow did a great job of letting me know (without stating it explicitly until I was old enough) that my Dad’s family just wasn’t together enough to participate in my life. Maybe it helps that we were a Navy family and I never saw either side very often, but I just implicitly understood that my Mom’s family was involved in my life and my Dad’s just wasn’t. I wasn’t sad about it. I didn’t think it was about me. It was just my normal. I don’t think your kids will internalize the conflict unless you overtly attempt to. From the tenor of your post, I can tell that isn’t happening, so don’t worry.
That said, as the wife of a child of divorce, I take the various rejections personally and resent them beyond belief. I can only imagine how that resentment will grow when (if) we become parents. I understand your reaction completely.
I guess the long and the short of it is that you should feel free to be offended and resentful on your own behalf, but don’t worry too much about the lasting effect on your kids. They’re resilient and don’t know any differently. Bottom line, they’ll remember the love and support they DO get far more than any that might have been.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Oh Sandy! What a horrible position for you and Dadisodes! Someone needs to tell this particular to grow up and realize that sometimes life is not about them. Sometimes they need to suck it up if they want to be part of the greatest thing in the world – children.
I hope the grandparent comes around, but if not I don’t think Babisodes or Fetusodes (hee hee) will feel the absence at all, they already have so much love around them. xoxoxo
August 10th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Oh Wow! My heart goes out to you and your family… I live far away from my kids grandparents too… It can be tough and it can be a blessing. I must say that compared to some of my friends with lots of grandparents around, my family is much closer. Things do have a way of working out.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:07 am
I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way that you hoped for. I’m glad that you’ve found love and belonging in your new home.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:19 am
It’s sad when people can’t put their differences aside or just humble themselves regardless of who is right/wrong. Even if the one grandparent never makes an effort to have a relationship w/ your babies, I’m sure they will not feel the lack of love!!!
August 11th, 2009 at 12:35 am
funny you should bring this up. although it has nothing to do with divorce, it has taken till roo was 15 for her grandparents to figure out that she’s no longer a crying toddler.
i hope babisodes 1.0 and 2.0 eventually get the family they are entitled to.
August 11th, 2009 at 2:45 am
Boy, they are really missing out, aren’t they? I’m happy to say the cycle will stop with you, and your children will learn what grandparents can offer, when they have children of their own.
August 11th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Often good friends are better than any sort of stupid family members.
Hugs!
August 11th, 2009 at 4:48 am
I’m sorry for your daughter. Families are complicated things aren’t they?
August 11th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Wow. That’s tough to deal with. I know. The children of divorce, and the grandchildren, apparently, are the REAL victims in the dissolution of family. And that’s a shame. Not only id the paternal family missing out on the truly lovely and precious Babisodes, but now 2.0 (I LOVE that, Anissa) is going to come along and there will be twice as much that he/she will be missing. That’s a shame. And it’s not anything I know how to fix.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Have they any idea what they’re missing?
August 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
That kind of thing was the norm for my family. I think you have to accept, as you have, that you’ve done all you can and the best you can do now is to find other ways to meet Babisodes’ needs, including, perhaps, having her consider some goodo, close friends of yours as her “aunts” and “uncles.” You can’t change other people, though God knows I’ve tried.
August 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
That’s such a sad situation. I totally understand why you moved across the country and it sounds like it was the right thing to do. Why do family ties have to come with so much baggage?
August 11th, 2009 at 10:43 am
I’m glad he is no longer able to manipulate those within his orbit to cater to him. Or, I guess, that his gravitational pull can’t overcome the miles. Let’s hear it for miles apart!
August 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Wouldn’t it be nice if our aging parents would just GROW UP????
I have a MIL that still POUTS, for gods’ sakes. She’s nearly 80.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I can relate to this. I remember planning for my wedding and my mom tells me she is not coming because my father was coming with his new wife. I was so furious and told her I would probably never speak to her again if she didn’t come. My wedding is about celebrating me not you and your issues. Luckily she came and had a wonderful time.
August 11th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
That’s very sad
I say…send them a webcam for Christmas…with instructions on how to contact you.
August 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Wow Sandy, that’s so sad. But it sounds like you and Dadisodes are doing everything that you can do and should do. The rest is up to them. If they continue to be absent, they are missing out. I’m sure your daughter and little one on the way gets so much love from the rest of the family, the won’t miss it, especially if they’ve never known that person to begin with. You’ve done all you can do.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
My mother-in-law never sees my son. Part of it may because when he was about two months old she watched him for about a month, for a couple hours a day, and when I came home he would be crying and screaming…every time…sitting in a swing, untouched by his grandmother, who was sitting in a chair and knitting. Part of it is because when my sister-in-law was living with my mother-in-law for a short time, with sister-in-law’s five children, my mother-in-law proceeded to yell at them, scream at them, call them brats and left marks on at least two of them. One day Hubby arrived at MIL’s and found two of the girls on the front lawn screaming and crying. One of them was almost hit by a car running to her mother. Another child was inside screaming and another was asleep, alone…while MIL was out back of the house. She came to the front of the house to tell Hubby “what those children” had done to her, never apologizing for letting them run around her front yard completely unattended.
That day Hubby told her he never wanted her to be around her grandson. And she hasn’t. She’s never made an effort even. She never called before that time either. To see how he was or how we were. We were, however, expected to call her.
We ran into her not so long ago, in our small town….she looked down at my son, as if he was the child of a co-worker and said “Oh. He’s grown.”
So, yeah…I have a bit of an idea of where you are coming from.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I’ve seen this in my family, on my moms side. It took MANY years for the two people to get over themselves and focus on their children again but it happened. I really hope it does for your family too.
In the mean time, have faith that you and Dadisodes are doing everything you can to bring this person into your lives. If they chose not to, well they lose out on more in the long run and that is something THEY have to live with, not you.
xo
August 11th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I just don’t get people. At all. I see this situation with my friends’ parents who aren’t even divorced! It’s like a jealousy thing between to two sets of grandparents. I’m even wondering what’s up with my mother who lives 3 miles away and hardly ever comes over even though we don’t fight. It’s weird.
I have vowed never to do that to any of my kids or grandkids, no matter what happens between me and Tyler or us and our in-laws.
I’m glad you found family that is supportive.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Divorce can be very painful – with many entanglements
so sorry
so glad you have one more addition to your family on the way
August 11th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I can completely relate to this. My own parents, divorced longer than they were married, rarely attend the same grandchild events. It’s sad for everyone involved.
August 11th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I’m so sorry Sandy, that’s really unfortunate. Even in my mother’s craziness, her & my father are able to sit together, and I know I am lucky that their divorce has at least allowed me that. At least you and Dadisodes have done the right thing for both of your little ones by stopping the cycle now and surround Babisodes and v 2.0 with loving friends who can show them that family isn’t always about blood.
August 11th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
It’s very tough and can be hard not to become bitter about. I can relate. My kids have a grandparent who has yet to acknowledge our baby’s birth.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
That’s a tough situation. I’m glad you do whatever you can to make the situation better with the relatives that you do have who are not acting like toddlers.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Oh, I do share your pain. No divorced parents, but ditto the inability to want to be part of our son’s life. It’s just too sad to talk about.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:28 am
So sorry to hear this but it sounds like you’re making a wonderful life for you and yours. I can relate. Families. *sigh*
August 12th, 2009 at 9:33 am
This is really heart-breaking but I think you’re doing a great job — that strawberry cake deserves a prize! You’re doing the right thing making sure your child is surrounded by love. It’s too bad about the paternal grandparent who is so self-absorbed that he/she can’t put his/her precious grandchild above his/her own ego. As a grandparent I’d like to pass this warning on to future grandparents — your children may be younger, but they also have their hands full. If you want to enjoy your grandchildren and be part of their lives, you’re the one who needs to make a BIG effort. Prima donna grandparents get awfully lonely!
August 12th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
This makes me sad.
I’m so sorry.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Wow. That is incredibly sad. As a divorced parent, I understand how hard it can be to be around the ex. However, never, EVER would that stop me from being there for my kids.
My parents, for a long time, refused to be around MY ex, and missed some of my kids’ special occasions because of that. It hurt me and the kids, and my ex couldn’t have cared less. I finally got that through their heads, that they were only hurting US and themselves.
Thanks for posting this, and reminding me to never let this divorce get in the way of being there for my kids, and their kids one day. I’m sorry that the grownups in your life don’t get it.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:40 am
So so sad. You’d think that supposed grown-ups could put aside their differences for a short amount of time for the sake of a child. Sadly, too many people just can’t. I hope for all of you that they get it together some day … life is too short.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Wow! Seriously? That is so sad!
Life is definitely too short to waste on things on things like that. Plus, you’d think that grandparents would want to be there for their grandkids…unconditionally and regardless of other family members that they don’t get along with.
I was feeling bummed that my parents and Hubby’s mom (his dad passed away 6 yrs ago) all live 4 minutes away and rarely visit us. FOUR freaking minutes!!! The only time they see Little One is when we bring her over. That pisses me off. It’s far easier for them to just come to our place where she’s on her schedule, in her environment…and for me to not have to pack her and everything else up just to take her over to see them on their schedule. It also pisses me off that everyone says how lucky I am to have both sets of grandparents living close by because they get to see their grandchild all the time and that I get all the help I need. Right. None of them have come to help me. I guess they figure that why should they? I must be able to handle things on my own, right? It still bugs me because my Mom (on the odd chance that she does pop by) comes in and just tells me how I need to clean my house and how it’s messy and I should vacuum or dust more. WTF?
Okay, sooooo sorry for this rant. I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s just that when I read this post about Babisodes’ grandparent, it made me really upset for you guys to have to go through this. I can sort of relate, but in a very different way. Bottom line: You’d think that grandparents would go out of their way to spend precious time with their grandchildren.
August 17th, 2009 at 1:31 am